My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Guest_7403]

Hi nameless.

I did reply to you about parole...I think you missed it.....wanted you to know I haven't ignored you.

take care

[Petal22]

Good morning Nameless 1,

That’s ok….

I understand anxiety it is very draining…… I had severe anxiety in my life time I went through it twice but am now on the other side of it….. I totally understand about being paralysed with fear…. and sometimes not being able to function……..

Have you learned any strategies for your anxiety? Meditation is really good! Have you ever tried it? Mindfulness is great too…..

I’m sorry your friend reacted the way they did when you tried to open up that must have hurt…. Especially being a good friend I understand you not going further in the conversation…… there are people who do understand so just keep talking to those people…..

I know people are judgemental …..when I’m confronted with that I just tell myself myself and that person are on different levels and that’s ok…… it helps me to just let it go……

Have a lovely day today, enjoy your time with your husband 😊

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline,

Thankyou I have read that now . It was very helpful to know. When we spoke to our son said where he was he heard it is hard to get your minimum sentence even though you meet the requirements . Didn’t say why he thought that… except that’s what he had heard, so was feeling a bit down about how much more time he would be there. I heard something from the lawyer about the days that could also be deducted from his sentence due to the impact of Covid lockdown etc. I tried looking up information on this but there wasn’t anything much about this, except something went through parliament which it, so I am guessing it is something between corrections and the prisoner to decide.
I am sure you must be busy with your work, so I know you haven’t ignored me.
Thanks afain

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

You a have encouraged us to try a few things. My husband and I have favourite YouTube things we follow which are good and a few favourite TV shows. Mindfulness through Listening to music in a relaxing place, and prayer are very beneficial along with our interests and hobbies. Sometimes we want noise and people sometimes we just want quiet and solitude . Sometimes we want to do something active and other times something restful. We are trying to work through what helps us the most and share how we feel rather than bottle it up and put on a happy face to each other .
My friend who was judgemental is someone who I have known for 32 years but we are very different in how we think through things and our opinions. Normally that’s fine but not for this. I know if she ever finds out she will be offended I didn’t tell her .. so it is hard. My gut feeling says no … no one else needs to know than who we have told. I even worry what his siblings will say as he didn’t want us to tell them. They may have guessed but he has distanced himself from them for awhile and didn’t come to family functions after a few unpleasant gatherings when he first had his PTSD . When we said he wasn’t living at home any more and needed space and moved away they weren’t surprised ..,it wasn’t any different as he never contacted them or answered calls from them except occasionally before anyway. Very sad . We never imagined all this.

Thanks for your helpful ideas and taking time to reply

Nameless 1

[Guest_7403]

The emergency management days are auto calculated when his sentence comes through.

But it is usually a handful of days....and i mean a handful of days.

[Petal22]

Hi Namesless1,

Im glad I have encouraged you to try a few things….

It sounds like yourself and your husband have already got some great things in place….

I understand it would be hard with your friend but you know what’s best..

I understand with the siblings……. If he asked you not to tell them then I understand your decision not to…… you respect his decision and that’s between yourself, your husband and son……

The siblings maybe didn’t really understand what your son was going Through with his PTSD …….. maybe they couldn’t really understand him and his actions so they couldn’t support him in a compassionate way…… at the time…..

I think it takes a life changing event in some ones life for them to become more conscious……… when this happens it gives us a deeper understanding of life it leads us to LOVE, Compassion and Forgiveness …… maybe in the future the siblings can learn to accept your son for the way he is now and try to understand and support him on his life journey….. ( hopefully in the future the siblings can form a stronger relationship)..

No one can foresee the future……. But I believe our struggles are here to teach us something so we can grow and become stronger 😊

Thanks, I’m happy to reply to you..

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline.
Thanks for that, We were hoping to hear from our son but nothing now from him in over a week. We received letters addressed to our son from fines Victoria then the magistrate court. We were very surprised . They gave him the longer sentence and the fines so why didn’t they know that he isn't at home to see these and pay them . They aren’t our fines to pay and we can’t fill them out … but if he doesn’t pay them he might get sent to jail!!! Oh he is already there!! It’s amusing in a sad way. Rang the lawyer and he will deal with them he saidand advise out son. I read a few different ways they can dealt with but not sure what they will do. Not up to us sirely!! It’s not clear what help they get with finances in jail or gave access to. Is thete some help with outstanding payments and bills whilst in jail?

I have been reading information on sentencing, about parole and reading the “corrections” pages on parole etc and any other areas that give good advice on relevant info.
So much more to learn!!!
Thsnks for taking the time to reply!!
Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

thanks again for your encouragement We definitely agree with your comments about changes and growth … yes …more Love compassions and forgiveness towards others.We are grateful for what we have learnt and experienced and how we can in turn help others…. Just the situation is so hard and sad some days it is hard to see that. It could be far worse and we need to take each new day and give it purpose If what we learn can help some one else, then that is important. He and others in the family need our strength, not weakness or complaints, but it is nice to have this forum to express some of those feelings that get bottled up.

His siblings weren’t living at home so they didn’t see all the PTSD on a daily basis, but did see some of his bad days. I pray for the rebuilding of all these broken relationships !!

Thanks again

Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

Good question about the sheriff fines and I know the answer.

Once a person has been sentenced there's a form they can complete.....called calling in your warrants.

so basically they can pay the fines by doing jail time....I believe it's around $200 per day jail spent.

So if he's got $2k in fines....he could opt to do an additional 10 days jail to clear the fines.....10 days is nothing in the scheme of things....I suggest he does this.

If he's been moved prisons, it can take a few days for them to set his phones and finances up....so sit tight and he'll reach out when they're set up.

Phones are disconnected before they move prisons so they cannot contact family to say I'm leaving today.....its for security reasons. So don't stress.....he's just going through the transfer process.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks fir the information

Domes it usually get sent to their home address when they are in prison or do they get to see a copy too or told that by the prison when they are given paperwork? As they don’t have access to bank accounts don’t expect us to pay for it do they?

I wasn’t sure what the options were they were offered.

We have written to him just to encourage him not to be disheartened and to keep busy and keep working at the things he was doing and to do as many other courses programmes as he could. We told him we were proud at the effort he was putting in to making positive steps to being prepared for release and hope he continues to learn as many good things as possible that will help him .. new skills for work, and interests in spare tome.
We weren’t sure how much to say about missing him … we usually don’t dwell on that after someone mentioned that wears a bit thin after a while.
Thanks for listening and answering my questions

Nameless1