My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Guest_7403]

Thats fine, happy to answer any questions you have.

The prison will supply fresh linen (towels and bedding) once a week, and they will laundry wash his clothes once a week.

If he chooses to wash his clothes himself, he can do that in the unit....most don't, some do.

Routine wise, it's very structured from a prison operations perspective, medication at set times, meals at set times, counts at set times etc....but outside of that there's not alot for them to do....there's only so much exercising they can do each day, the rest is spent sitting around watching TV or talking to other prisoners.

Talking to other prisoners can be an issue, they network in there....find new avenues to purchase illegal substances on the outside, find new ways to sell etc...it can backfire and they come out better criminals.

You and husband need to discuss the boundaries and the consequences, im not sure what consequences there could be though. Perhaps speak to his case manager for his CCO on what can be done to ensure he attends these appointments.

When you talk about these outbursts and yelling etc, that is his way of avoiding doing what he doesn't want to do...he knows in the past that by behaving poorly he gets his way, that needs to stop...if he becomes abusive and refuses to follow his CCO, threatens or attempts to intimidate you into getting his way....call the police...let them come to the house and make it clear to him this behaviour isn't on...and if he does it again...have them arrest him and he can then learn to understand he can no longer behave and treat his family like that....it sounds harsh but that's unfortunately the type of thing you'll need to do.

We get guys like him everyday, first timers, used to be menacing to family, partners and abusing there way to get the desired outcome they want.

They try it as soon as they get off the bus, there first day in the unit....unfortunately what they soon discover is that people like me and other officers are not intimidated and we don't allow it to continue, it's nipped in the buds immediately.

I truly hope he's learnt a valuable lesson in there, it either goes two ways....scares them straight...or makes them worse.

The fact he's breached bail multiple times, and your concerns of his behaviour coming out leads me to believe he won't follow the conditions of the CCO and will wind back up in custody.

Nows the time to be strong, strong for you and him....you can still love/support him and not tolerate abuse and bad behaviour.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

tha ksnfor painting the picture as it is and not avoiding telling me some of what goes on and what will need to be done. Yes we need to be strong. We have never been in this situation before and need to know what ro expect and be prepared. There is stuff we will never know about prison. You have seen it all before. Maybe kids at school need hear someone speak to them about prison!! They get blasé about seeing all the police shows.. all a bit unreal.

He does work and courses and tries to stay busy is what he has said.

This maybe very naive and unrealistic but It is a shame that they aren’t made to do more with the time in the day rather than sit around. If it only encourages them to network etc why give them so much free time? More compulsory training/ attempted rehab while they are …again I am sure I am speaking from experience with the prison system. Some choose to work and do the courses. That is good , but others might actually enjoy doing more than just sitting around, even if they are made to at first. Most men need to stay more active . It may stop some reoffending perhaps . There are probs lot lots of reasons why that doesn’t happen I am sure as I have never worked in a prison!!! Sorry off topic.

Thanks again for your honesty and feelTo be as honest as you need. I have bombarded you with so many questions . Only then can we be a bit better prepared … and we are a lot stronger than we were in the early days of all this so we need to hear it
Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

For the most part programs like drug, alcohol and gambling rehabs are done in sentenced prisons, and are usually requirements for early release on parole set out by the judge.

As remand prisoners they are not required to do programs so they choose not to, and to be honest most don't want to do them, they like to use and sell drugs and have no interest in changing lifestyles.

Those who do try and sign up for programs are typically left waiting months, as remandees they are low priority and sentenced prisoners take the spots.

We have teams in the prisons who facilitate sports, games etc during the day....but most are not used....those staff typically stand in the yard with their sports gear going unused.

You know you're son, what do you think his attitude is going to be coming out of there?

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline,

Sorry, I haven’t replied .. busy day with my grandson yesterday.
After many attempts to write this, my answer to your question on his attitude to coming out is:-

His goal in life has been to have a good job family, friends and be able to buy his own house. Helping out people. I believe that still is.

However , haven’t been able to have long conversations with our son, snd he isn’t good at writing and ringing and talking about his emotions as It is often hard to hear him and there isn’t any privacy. If some attempts at changes the month before the arrest, and his remorse when and after he was arrested and the fact he is trying to work, stay fit and do a course, is a good sign, then we are hoping that is shows he will have a good attitude about never going back to jail when he comes out . Depends on who he mixed with, effects or remand on mental health issues …PTSD and bullying (work related and anxiety) ans loss and disappointment , … and getting things together, dealing with any issues that still plague him, accepting help and guidance, and finding new friends and activities and a purpose in life. We have seen him give up when it seems too hard, but we have seen him be strong and move forward in life too!!
Thanks for an important question

Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

Its a life changing commitment he has to sign up for, hopefully this was the wake up call he needed.

Take care of yourself, he's your son but you and your husband need to put yourself first.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderine,

I hear your important message. My husband and I have come a long way ..together !!

We just spoke to our son again and he said he has been trying to stay busy with course , work snd exercise as he doesn’t want to sit around all the time as time goes more slowly .

A really positive thing is he said that he wants to go to sleep every night having learnt something new from the day . Wehave taken yours and other advice about what to talk about and focussed on a couple of things he mentioned were good ..exercise .. and he said a lot about that and was very positive .
I hope have a good day!! We are having grandparent time!!

Nameless 1

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline or whenever else reads this,
Sorry I haven’t posted recently

We spoke to our son again. There has been some preparation for his court case so he is needing the contact again
That’s one of my biggest concern… maintaining that positivity . In reality I am not sure how long it will take to get work. Work was very important to him .
We have been busy getting ready…reading through lots of things from you and the other resources to prepare ourselves for whenever he comes home… from what we need to know to things he will need to do and have to do himself.

His lawyer has gone do over the various scenarios of what could happen but won’t know till the case is held.

It is a bit of a waiting game really… what will happen, will he get more sentenced beyond time served, or will he come out, will he live at home or somewhere else , will he get CCO or something else? IF gets more sentence will he stay where he is just in another section or move move away and how will he go with a move? Will he continue with his positive attitude he seems to have , or struggle to keep routine and activities. Once he isn’t it…. Will he get work, and how about friends? . While there he had work and study and a gym and other sports to fill up his days and in the common areas people to cook with together with the extra things they can buy and play cards when. It soo g his other activities. They can’t avoid doing what they are asked to do. When he comes home depending on how much freedom he has, it is up to him.

So many unknowns as the day creeps closer.
I presumed they couldn’t smoke, so I never asked him, so if they can smoke I hope he didn’t go back to it as he had started to give up.
A few things you don’t read about…I am not sure what to do with some alcohol in his room .. remove it or just leave it .
They say that the first few days , week they are at high risk, so do you hide any medications in the house ?
If he gets anxious I know all the people he CAN ring but who is the BEST to ring for someone just out of prison who is feeling anxious .

I guess they get phones again and can begin driving around again so it will be hard to monitor those things I guess so need to work out the best way to have those conversations.
Will he want to reconnect with people they met inside ! I guess they get a bit of a connection with people going through the same thing
Anyway, just veniting to people who will understand .

Thanks for listening

Nameless 1

[Guest_7403]

Hi Nameless,

Good to hear your trying to plan and prepare for his return to social freedom.

My question to you is....what is he doing to prepare for release? What boundaries is he putting in place to change his life?

As all I can see is you doing all the work for him, I can't see him taking ownership of his future if he is completely reliant on you to do all the hard work for him.

Thats not a slight against you, you're clearly a caring mother....but its time he grew up, and makes adult choices....turning to drugs and crime isn't an adult path....its a way of escaping what needs to be done.

He'll give you every excuse under the sun for why "he's relapsed" or why "he didn't meet his obligations"....they are simply excuses.

I suffer PTSD and my life has been severely affected by my work in prison, but I do not make decisions to engage in criminal activity or drug use. That is a choice he makes...there are many other avenues he could follow.

In regards to alcohol in his room, it's your house...you simply tell him that whilst he's living with you and you're supporting his recovery you don't want alcohol in your house. Booze is a pathway to marijuana, which is a pathway to meth.. .follow my drift.

In regards to the question about if he sentenced to more time...yes 100% he will be moved to a sentenced prison.....and this will be based on what security rating he is....A, B or C. Typically within days of sentencing they leave remand facilities.

aanymore questions feel free to ask...I'm always around and will respond.

And as always take care of yourself and your husband first.

[Guest_7403]

Forgot to respond to the smoking thing. If in VIC smoking is banned inside prisons or any government building for that matter.

As disgusting as it sounds....they all smoke tea bags in prison (yes drinking tea bags) they roll them like a cigarette and smoke them. Most do....but they're not actual cigarettes.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks for replying

Good comments and thanks for the answers .

Thanks for the reminders . I know I will have to be careful not to do the work . From being too caring and need tough love. There is the part of me that loves researching u formation and fixing and I know I will have to be careful I don’t step over that boundary. Truly , I was trying to be careful of that as you commented before about how they need to take a step then we follow and support, and if they stumble we e courage them to get up and keep going. I know he needs to do it. Then all the resources talk about planning so we wanted to find out what planning was needed … what we need to know to plan for our sanity and where there is support for us. I also needed to know what he can have access to when he came out and what he would have had in remand. We wanted to know what can go wrong and what will be hard.
We will need to find out what he has been planning for release . It was hard when he didn’t contact us but now he is ringing more again and talking about things a bit more we hope we can find out .
I’m sorry to hear about your PTSD from your prison work . Your good advice obviously comes from experiencing hardships and not dealing with it by succumbing to crime . Thank you for sharing that.
I have taken note of what you have said and will make sure we stick to it!!
Tea bags? Never heard if that before. We have never smoked, only our son . I wonder if he will ever say if he did or not.

Bye for now

Nameless 1