My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Guest_7403]

I guess my first question would be....is he a drug user?

Was his criminal offence a result of drug use?

Don't need details of what he's charged with, just general info on what occurred leading up to him being incarcerated.

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22 . Thank you so much for that caring advice!! I will remember all that!!

We haven’t been able to visit due COVID and he didn’t want the video call but I write every 2 weeks💕

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline,

I am so sorry not to answer your question it I am very nervous talking about my son more specifically, even in this forum, as he still is in remand. I have only told one friend , ministers at a church and no family where he is

I found these threads when I googled release from prison and it came up with one on sadness and grief from incarceration. And you could read the posts without being a member. Helpful yes, but as my son still in remand I hate to say more. Trying not to be paranoid but this experience leaves you like this.
So let’s just say PTSD triggered off behaviours that resulted in him being where he is and still on remand due to COVID delaying all the normal legal processes I would like to say more but feel I can’t . No offence meant to anyone one 🌺🌸. Another question…
After court via AVL if they are given CCO or parole what is the procedure then for release? It isn’t covered in what you read as it is all pre COVID information. We try and keep calls to the lawyer a minimum!!!!
Thank you again for your help.

Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

I think from all my years inside the prison and dealing with inmates and families it appears to be a common theme....that families will bend over backwards to help them, to justify their offending and why they are now inside.

From the other side the prisoners take very little blame for their offending, it is always someone else's fault, the illnesses fault, my family didn't do this, or whatever choice did I have but to commit this offence....there's always a reason for why they're not to blame and everyone else is.

To put in bluntly, they have no accountability and to an extent families enable that behaviour first.

I challenge them in jail, I ask them what they're going to do when they're released, I tell them to make life style changes so that they never return again....its ultimately up to them to do it.

You can plan every intervention, program or assistance to them, but its upto to them to do it. They should be researching this themselves, finding out themselves what they should do....its all available to them inside...they choose not to act on it.

In regards to CCOs think of it as a long term bail on top of a sentence....judge will say what he wants him to do.

Report to such and such at this day for 12 months

Complete all treatments recommended by such and such.

If he doesn't follow through....back to prison he goes.

Most start the day after release

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline,

Thanks for all that.

I am sure from ignorance we do enable them in their behaviour … helping them too much, putting up with too much and also not knowing enough help to know how to respond or is that a cop out ? Not sure…

And how do we not enable them. They say make boundaries but what are good boundaries for someone just released . What does help and support look like? How much behaviour will be reaction to coming home and how much is unacceptable? How much should we feel sorry for them and much needs to be tough love

sirry god babbling and sounding incredibly anxious. Croix said use commonsense which is certainly good advice. Just trying to fine tune what this will look like.
Thanks again. I appreciate your insights and observations.
Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

Support is being there with them, every step of the way.

But they take the first step, you follow...and if they stumble you steady them until they step forward again.

Strong boundaries are following through on what you decide is not tolerable.

If he agrees to attend an appointment, set that boundary...don't allow him to say he's too tired, or he doesn't feel like it today.

Follow through with the boundary, he will test it daily, he will try to push it and see how far it goes...its human nature.

Support him in recovery, go with him to appointments, talk with him about what he's thinking, take him to the shops to get his medication, Support him to socialise with the right people...that's what support is to me!! Not doing everything for him...you only learn by doing and trying.

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

Thats ok, I’m always here remember that……..

Just something I will add…… when your son does come out of prison just try to guide him into normal life…..

It would have been a horrible day when your son was arrested something no parent wants to witness….

Thats great your son has started work in prison and doing a course…… the gym would be excellent….

One thing Kyle said was when he was in jail he worked out, worked on himself and prayed a lot…

He stayed positive he told himself jail was not his home and one day he was going to get out.

Another thing I will say is when your son is in jail he could teach himself to have a positive mindset tell himself positive things every day….., renewing of the mind is a wonderful thing….

Thats lovely you write every 2 weeks I’m sure he would look forward to receiving your letter………

They usually have an account in prison to buy toiletries ect you can pay into this account if you want to…….

😊

[Nameless1]

Thanks Borderline,

It is becoming clearer.

We did have battles with appointments before and I would push and push till he got in that car and I would drive him. He thanked me usually on the way home. Near the end he refused and I had no back up plan of consequences. We had talked about going , and when, and made arrangements for getting up in time like the earlier ones but the last 2 times I couldn’t get him to go and he cancelled another.

If he decides to live at home I know I need to enforce the boundaries but the emotional outbursts and other factors were hard to cope with before, so I hope they don’t return with him.

I guess their may be appointment times he has to attend that if he doesn’t get to will have dire consequences for him from the people he didn’t see !!

Another question about prison life, what are the responsibilities they have in a day as far as washing, cleaning etc. I know they have a routine time for the main meals and checking in and medication . Work and study and exercise fits in around all that.

I hope he can continue with a routine and get work and continue with his gym etc and be motivated to work on projects at home.

It would be good to hear what other parents have done that works so he doesn’t end up sitting on the couch, watching tv or sleeping all day!!

Thanks for your time in responding. I hope you don’t mind.
Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22,

Thanks for replying.
He has been in remand for a while due to COVID delaying everything.
Our lawyer told us about sending money and emailing.

Good advice about guiding and supporting him back to normal life.

I just worry about the friendship side of things and that the ones that part of his life before have moved on elsewhere and leave him alone and vice versa. As borderline said, we need boundaries, but some things we don’t have control over.

We pray a lot and have worked through having a positive mindset with our counsellor so we are ready hopefully to be strong and supportive .
In my emails I have tried to encourage him with that as well.
thanks for the encouragement and look forward to hearing from you again. It is maki g such a difference to be able to chat with you and others who understand .

Nameless1

[Petal22]

That’s ok Nameless1, happy to support you…… 😊

Yes I understand, I think it has to come from within your son to want to change… for him not to associate himself with those people anymore…… he needs to delete their contacts in his phone and get a new phone number…..

Im here to chat to you, I’m glad I can make a difference for you…. I do understand 😊

Chat to me any time