My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Guest_7403]

Hey Nameless!!

Borderline here...just my user name has changed.

I'm familiar with Vic prisons, specifically remand if you have any questions on the system.

Take care of yourself

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

what you wrote to Leth was very encouraging:-Anyone who has been travelling in the wrong direction can always make the decision to turn around and come back the other way for the positive….. drug addiction is a terrible thing for the addict and the addicts family….. it s just heart breaking…

That is so true and I hope that “turning around “is the case with my son and Leths brother and others who post here.
it has become such a huge pandemic of a different disease and so many young people are turning to the wrong things for relief of their stress and anxiety .
I agree that counselling Is essential .
when you are hiding telling people as you feel you will be judged and talked about and because you want to protect your loved one, you need to talk to someone!!
tha Ke to this forum for allowing these discussions.
i wish I had found it sooner.
Nameless1

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

Thank you I hope it encourages many….. I truly believe it….. addiction is such a horrible thing to watch someone you love go through….. the family are all impacted by the person going through addiction……

We can only HOPE and pray the addict can turn their life around for the positive and be free of the addiction……

If you ever want to see some true inspiration google Kyle Quilly…… he was a meth addict and spent 10 years in a Hawaii high security jail….. he walked out of jail …… sober….. he now spends his days going to schools educating young children of the dangers of drugs…….. his motto is Stay Humble Pray……….very inspiring man…

I think our children need to be educated early of the dangers of drugs…..

I understand you do need to talk to someone……… even if you have just one trusted friend…….

There really needs to be more awareness addiction is a disease in itself …… very sad…

I send you LOVE and I hope everything works out in the end for your family…..

im always here to chat to you anytime……. You aren’t alone in this many families go through this I just wish more could speak about it to others so it can help them aswell in their own being………. Please never blame yourself sometimes people just make the wrong choices in life but they can always change direction…

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Just a few questions if that is okay?

How are remand prisoners treated differently to sentences prisoners ? Are they completely separated?

Do they get paid for all work? My son doesn’t ring very much and doesn’t say much… is that common? He says it makes it hard to cope to speak to us too much .
if they get a call from a lawyer are they meant to be there ready for it themselves or does someone get them?
What is a good ting to write about or talk about to someone in prison?
When we talk we are not even sure what to say as he wasn’t interested before and doesn’t ask now and don’t want to trigger off a reaction to news of the family. We write and constantly tell him we love and support him and will be there for him. We try to find things that are encouraging and remind him how important he is to us and that we all go through rough times swill get through this time. We remind him that there is hope for a good future etc if he can look to things to guide him. We share bits and pieces about my husband and myself and work etc. BUT we never know if any of that is the right thing to write ..we just follow are heart and hope it helps .

is it okay to talk about any legal matters on the phone or in a letter? I k ow they say calls monitored and emails checked If not how do you get that sort of privacy
Another hard thing is family: Our son didn’t want family to know where he was … so they just know he is working away from home and wants some space and privacy. His older sibling a hadn’t been living at home with him during his last few difficult years. They have possibly guessed though . But will they be angry with us when they find out that we didn’t share this with them?

How does it work after and AVL for a court case if he is to be released as far when ams as far as him getting home or picked up ? Maybe these are silly questions but you can’t find out much about some of this .

What area of the prison do you work in? (If you are allowed to answer this )

thanks

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Thanks Petal22,

All we can do from here is love them and not judge them. There is a reason for whatever is happening inside them but that is the hard part. When you cannot get inside their minds or they can’t talk to you about it.
we hope and pray a lot.
I will look up the story of the man you suggested. What a great way to use his experiences and move forward!!

Thanks for replying and I look forward to chatting again soon.
It is hard to be open as for so long we have feared telling anyone. I still worry I am giving too much information and say too much!!

thanks for your support

Nameless1

[Petal22]

That’s ok Nameless1,

Yes we never do know what someone is truly going through unless we have been there ourselves…….. I can only imagine how they would love to be free of addiction……

Kyle really is an inspiration…….. I hope you receive something for you to hold onto from googling him…… he is HOPE I think to many addicts…..

Thats great you hope and pray a lot…. 🙏

I understand, the good thing is these forums are anonymous…… please chat to me any time….

I do understand the fear though, if only people could learn to be more understanding and not so judgemental what a beautiful world it would become….

Please reach out to me any time…….. hold onto your HOPE

[Guest_7403]

No problems asking questions, I've been there a long time now...and I understand how difficult it can be for families not knowing the processes of the prison.

On remand all prisoners mix, so murderers are in the same place as petty thieves. The only ones separated are sex offenders.

Once sentenced, he'd be given an prisoner rating based on the charges....which determines where he is sent to complete his sentence.

He would have the option to work, they can around $30 a week by doing this....if he chooses not to work they are paid about $14 in umployment.

In regards to him calling you, he can do that during out of cell hours, but it is up to him to manage his budget...if he chooses to buy lollies and snacks instead of phone credits that's ultimately his decision.

If he makes calls to his legal rep those conversations are not monitored, they are private. But you are not his legal rep so they are not private and could possibly be used to incriminate him.

I've worked both as an officer and someone who discharges them out of the jail, if he is to be released from custody via AVL, he will receive whatever personal monies he has in his account, we would call his nominated person to discuss whether they'd come and get him, if not he's provided a daily public transport ticket to get him where he needs to go.

Families are always encouraged to write letters, and the basis of the letters is about support, and giving them something to look forward to when getting out....so they think of the future not present situation.

Not sure about telling family members, I think if he's told you not too, I'd respect that decision.

Jail is hard, especially for first timers....it may be the best thing for him at this stage.

Feel free to ask any more questions if you need

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless,

I know a mum who has been in this situation……..

her advice to you is….. stay strong

if you can visit him in prison visit him

Support him and give him unconditional love

If you can tell his siblings tell them they can also support him….

be supportive as you can to your son

Speak to a trusted friend…… if you feel people will judge you because of your son’s situation they aren’t worth knowing

Time heals all wounds…… give it time…

❤️

[Guest_7403]

Apologies I missed a couple of questions.

If the lawyer schedules a conference call to discuss his case, his unit staff will ensure he attends at the required time.

If you wish to discuss his legal matters in privacy my advice would be to visit him prison or over a zoom call....no one is present or listening.

Coming into a prison can be quite confronting for a family member, prepare yourself....it can be quite callous and cold.

In regards to him not being able to call or speak properly....there's usually two phones available to around 80 prisoners in the unit, they are time limited to 12 minutes a call. I'm assuming when he says he can't talk or use it....he means he has no privacy as they're in common areas....or other prisoners in the unit are denying him access to it.

It sounds horrible, and it probably is to him...but that unfortunately is jail. There's only a few top dogs in there and new guys realise pretty fast they're no longer the alpha they believed they were on the outside.

Not trying to scare you, im letting you know the unfortunate truths of what he's dealing with in there. It doesn't surprise me at all he's withdrawn a bit.

Keep doing what you're doing, and supporting him as best you can.

[Nameless1]

Hi borderline,

Another question is about when he comes out..though not sure what your experience is here .We have been trying to prepare for whenever he is released. We have read comments on other threads here and things you have written to others.
We have looked up post release support agencies and programmes like with VACRO, and all the info from corrections so we can be realistic of the risks snd problems and what is available. I know it will be hard and struggling with that despite the support of my husband , counsellor/GP, friends ( most don’t know where he is though.. just he is struggling with ), church ministers( who do know,). We don’t actually know anyone who has gone through this to know what ofthe resources are actually helpful and work. I know he has to want to make a difference but with his past mental health issues he struggles then.
We pray for change and healing of course.

We have tried to alsolook after ourselves so we are stronger and more resilient and more about to support him. Gardening, exercise, counselling pray/Bible study, grandson, keeping busy and occupied . Sometime a real mental battle for us but we keep taking a step at a time and a day at a time!!

Before being arrested he was not coping despite going to see health professionals which he started to hate. There was a lot going on we didn’t know about at the time. He wanted us to take him to appointments but would be very difficult getting him up and going. He was often very angry. Then a friend started to support him more and he started to make changes and improve but something else happened and was arrested . It was such a horrible day.

He has settled in remand from what he has says. He started doing work and is doing a course and goes to the gym 6 days a week, sport etc . He doesn’t tell us much so not really sure how he issue what help has has been given. Doesn’t say much I the calls or write etc

many suggestions would be a great help!

Thank you so much did all your help

nameless1