Lonely and gullible?

[Wanderer11]

Hey all, first time poster, but longer time reader/replier here. I'd love some advice from my community here...

I've noticed a pattern, in my close relationships (family/friends/romantic), where I get promises/words of wanting closeness with me, but then no actions/follow up... Friends saying they miss me, my sister wanting a stronger bond, my ex-partners talking big commitment (moving in, getting engaged) - but always, nothing happens... Really lovely words, but no actions or follow through...
I initiate, communicate (I even told my partner if say yes if they asked me to marry them... 2 years later, nothing). I try to be understanding and patient, caring and supportive of their space and their needs... but at the end of the day it's just me, waiting for something that doesn't come, and feeling used and low self-worth...

It happens in so many of my relationships, I'm at the point where I think it must be something I'm doing... I'm trusting/gullible, so I'm easy to be led on... the waiting is hurtful, and lonely, and I'm wondering if I need to make a change... Practically, do I keep believing my current partner who for 2 years has said they want to move in with me (but hasn't taken any steps, and at move time right now tells me they're still not ready?). If I wait I could have a beautiful life together with them, but I could also be wasting years on something that's never going to happen... any help would be appreciated 🩵

[Wanderer11]

Hi rx,

Yeah for sure - a serious chat could 'spook', her while being casual keeps her around. I'm at the point of asking for what though, you know? To walk on eggshells, for her to just withdraw again when it gets hard?

Coming more from a base of self-respect, I don’t want to waste either of our time in that cycle again... My aim feels more to genuinely get to the core of what we both want, and if we can honestly give that to each other...

(Yeah 'Blueprint' was from her analogy, she felt her only option was to burn the bridge down, I asked why not come back to the drawing board (blueprint) first. Talk it through together).

So I’m realistic an honest/collaborative chat is a low chance, and not the best signs from her too. So if she gets spooked, then I have my answer (even if a hard one) that structure was never going to work for her... 

Appreciate the luck, I'm gonna need it! But it's nice feeling I’d prefer to be by myself if it doesn't work, where I know I can take my own load, than feel a bridge collapse under me again. 

I hope you're going okay on your end. Take care rx, and thanks as always for the honesty too.

Wanderer

[randomxx]

Sounds so similar to what my ex started doing, your right to be looking out for yourself. l had been  the last 18mths with mine but at the same time, bc of my pride, l just couldn't bring myself to lay my feelings on the line bc l couldn't trust the way she'd become or her feelings.

Sometimes l think l should've, sometimes l think me not doing that made her protect herself and shut us down thinking l didn't love her and l think l mentioned that here but a MH friend of mine suggested that too.

Trouble was,  she was so on off, anytime, even after beautiful times between us filled with emotion and love and coming from her next minute boom, even next day, l just couldn't trust her. Seeming like it's for good this time not a word in 2mths, usually it's only a few days.

Sometimes l think there might've been someone else or she was on the prowl.

The way your lady's reversing though, man, that part of it is so like my lady did, but as l say usually after our strongest moments or plans.

rx

[randomxx]

Mind you, he also said she could've been just too overwhelmed with her own problems at those higher points .

[indigo22]

Hi Wanderer,

I am really pleased that you have recognised the things I talked about on your own. It's not easy to be objective when you are in the middle of it, so well done for all the progress you have made. You are becoming an observer as well as a participant, an ability that will be helpful in all of your relationships from now on. Your compass may have been a little off a few months ago, but it is now pointing in the right direction.

Please let us know how things go and know that whatever the outcome, we are here to support you. In the meantime, if there is anything else you would like to talk about, please go for it.

I am still in the bad books with one of the boys but the other gratefully accepted your pat.
Hope you are having a good day,

indigo 💜

[Wanderer11]

Hey rx, yeah that whiplash is rough when intimacy/connection is followed by a shutdown. I feel for you, and that 'on/off' cycle not knowing when it'll happen makes it hard to feel that trust/stable ground.

Yeah look, I usually lay my feelings on the line, even on shaky ground... Which hurts more often (for sure), but for me it helps shutdown those 2am 'what ifs' when I can say 'well, she knew how I felt, what she did was her own choice.' 

But hey, whether I shared or you kept them, both our exes still withdrew when it gets real, so that's for them to work through, not about us. A partnership can’t be two-way if only one person takes the risk to be honest.

Tbh, before chatting here to Indigo, my ground was too reliant on her response...

Now I know her ground isn’t reliable though, so I’m focused on building my own back up to be on solid self-ground when I lay it all out. I have a lot less hope, I expect she’ll withdraw and not stay, but I'll give it the low percent shot, and for my own self-respect, know I stated my own needs/wants clearly this time around.

[Wanderer11]

And thanks too Indigo,

That swap to being an observer as well as a participant, and that compass check was exactly what I needed. I know it'll need constant check-ins/tweaks, but it's nice feeling it pointing better, for both now and future relationships. Genuinely, thank you again 🩵

Thanks too, I’ll keep you updated in the next few weeks, and I really appreciate knowing the support is here whatever the outcome 🩵 In the meantime, Theodore is sending a supportive nose-twitch your way, and to both your boys and you (even if still in the bad books!). 

Hope you’re having a lovely day too 😊

Wanderer 🩵

[randomxx]

Hey there op and sorry about where things are at for you.

Tbh though , l reckon you are better telling it exactly how it is feelings wise. l just couldn't bring myself to do it though she was too unreliable, she use to tell me all the time though but eh, next minute she'd flip though sooo.

l'm not normally like this but l;d always had a bit of a trust issue with her though, effd up right there l know, just hoped she'd prove me wrong in time but never happened.

Her situation alone was though extremely complicated but there were other factors to like her culture and sometimes attitudes, ldk, then there was her MH on top of it sooooo. She def' needed to hear exactly how l was feeling though and lots of it no doubt about it, even said so and cursed me out about it but at the same time she couldn't see how all over the shop she was and couldn't understand that that made me protect myself either. Still, l probably should've though, it might've turned the tide so yeah if your good with it and don't mind a kick in the teeth should it go the other way, might be just what she needs, dk.

Good luck at any rate my friend.

rx