Lonely and gullible?

[Wanderer11]

Hey all, first time poster, but longer time reader/replier here. I'd love some advice from my community here...

I've noticed a pattern, in my close relationships (family/friends/romantic), where I get promises/words of wanting closeness with me, but then no actions/follow up... Friends saying they miss me, my sister wanting a stronger bond, my ex-partners talking big commitment (moving in, getting engaged) - but always, nothing happens... Really lovely words, but no actions or follow through...
I initiate, communicate (I even told my partner if say yes if they asked me to marry them... 2 years later, nothing). I try to be understanding and patient, caring and supportive of their space and their needs... but at the end of the day it's just me, waiting for something that doesn't come, and feeling used and low self-worth...

It happens in so many of my relationships, I'm at the point where I think it must be something I'm doing... I'm trusting/gullible, so I'm easy to be led on... the waiting is hurtful, and lonely, and I'm wondering if I need to make a change... Practically, do I keep believing my current partner who for 2 years has said they want to move in with me (but hasn't taken any steps, and at move time right now tells me they're still not ready?). If I wait I could have a beautiful life together with them, but I could also be wasting years on something that's never going to happen... any help would be appreciated 🩵

[randomxx]

Hi again op , thanks for the reply and thoughts. Ps, urr, rx , not rs ha ha, hate it when l tap the wrong key on that one.  Anyyyway, yeah , l see a lot of myself in things you talk about, especially the introvert side but the giving, loneliness, when to pull the pin, all things l've been dealing with over long periods now. Some of it life long as the introversion doesn't go away with me.

l push people away for my space, but then when l am in the mood there's no one. They get sick of me turning them down or my excuses.

That now ex l mention , was on about the same level of introversion as l am and so that side of us always worked so nicely. There was a real peace in all that where as being married before, although really got along she never got my space thing and down time needs, she just didn't need it. l find the same with friends/people  and they'll drift away in the end  bc they'll need more, l'll need less.l'm best suited to someone at my same level that just get it, but that's hard to find isn't it.

Funny, l look out to the streets here to but also often lucky to even see a dog sometimes. But yeah, l'll go to the busiest people places,like my main town here, beach or whatever l'm feeling like when l am in the mood. l do enjoy people, but l'm way to particular about the "when" .

But yeah , spot on with the tapping in and out to that was the now ex all over. Sometimes l'd think she literally manipulated us, me, in those ways. One minute she'd be making all these plans reel me in , keep me on the hook, few days later as if it didn't happen. Big things like yeah moving in or coming down, as we were LD, she was interstate and we'd come and go to ea others. She was a real xxxx doing this push pull thing with everything from feelings to plans. One day she'd love you so much and there's never been anyone like me like us, next she need space couldn't communicate things she needs to be alone, her anxieties off the chart, disappear a wk back as if nothings happened on and on round and round.

Sometimes we'd be the most emotionally closest we'd ever been, next morning l'd wake up to a long text she'd written 4am and of how she needs to be alone.

l talked to a psychologist about all that he said they panic and pull back, shut it down, when things get too close, too serious, too real, exactly what she use to do.

Take care and hang in,

rx

[indigo22]

Hi Wanderer11 (👋 rx),

It's good to hear from you again but I am sorry to hear about the challenges you have had to face in the meantime. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you see yourself as a lot less gullible than you did when you first posted and you have made changes to your life that most don't seem to be able to manage in just a few months. I am so proud of you.

You know, I have been on both ends of the scale. One partner had been divorced and couldn't even commit to going out for coffee. Another had known me as an acquaintance for a few years, I had never had romantic feelings about him, but I was heavily into rock and jive dancing at the time and I knew that was something he also enjoyed so I said if he was ever at a loss for something to do, perhaps we could get together and do some dancing. He took this as me being interested in him and proceeded to tell me he had been in love with me for years. I was so taken back that I didn't quite know how to react but I was single at the time and thought 'what could it hurt to give it a go and see what happens?'. What happened was, within 6 weeks (which is as long as it lasted) he had made plans for where we would live, etc. etc. like I had no say in any of it. Now if I was the kind of woman who was just looking for a sugar daddy, I have no doubt he would have been perfect for that role. I was not looking for anything but a dancing partner and it got out of hand. It took a few months before he stopped calling me, I don't think anyone had ever said "no" to him before.

I think loneliness can influence what you will accept from another, if you have learned to love yourself (or at least respect yourself) the boundaries are much clearer and you can foresee the dangers ahead, but if not, I think we can hang in there a bit too long in the hopes of things improving and they rarely do. A good relationship requires work and agreement from both sides and shouldn't be as hard as it often is.

I am glad to hear you have been putting in some time working on yourself and deciding to adopt a pet. They are so very good for us and do fill a large part of that loneliness void. I recently took in two senior male cats from different homes and it has been a whirlwind couple of months trying to get us to place of calm and peace. Still a way to go, but we are getting there slowly. One has learned to trust me, the other is still thinking about it 😄.

Let me know if there is anything particular you would like to discuss at the moment, happy to help if I can.

Welcome back,

indigo 💜

[Wanderer11]

Hi rx,

Thanks for the reply and sharing. It’s sad this resonates so much with you, but there’s definitely a comfort in being in the same boat. Reading your words was like "yep, exactly that" - both about the introversion (I think it'll always be part of my base scaffolding!), and that exhausting push-pull cycle (feeling the highest "us" connection, but then withdrawal/disconnect). It's such an exhausting rollercoaster hey, just like your psych said: panic and shut down when it gets too real.

She’s actually reached back out wanting to "start at a lower level" again, but I feel that’s the same cycle... riding that same track loop, a nice destination, but them tapping out when we get close.

I talked with my psych about solo 'unilateral decision-making', feeling less like a partnership and more like being held hostage by a 'demolition switch'. Like walking on eggshells, never knowing when the "off" switch will be flipped or the next 4am text is coming. It disrupts that trust and stability.

Psych also mentioned that secure base, where both sides bring problems to the table to solve together (functional interdependence), rather than taking them "into the dark" alone (hyper-independence).

Appreciate you sharing your perspective, rx. I’m still rebuilding and figuring things out, but I’m also here for back and forth if it helps.

Take care hey.

[Wanderer11]

Hi Indigo 😊

Thanks for the warm welcome back, and understanding ❤️ Actually, I think you're right about feeling less gullible now! It's been a whirlwind couple of months, just head down getting through with self-reflection/restructuring where I can, but stopping to look back I can see a change in myself 🩵 Although still a way to go, your reflection questions helped me set up sturdier scaffolding, re-laying some foundation stones, and better knowing things to spot in both myself and others. Thank you, Indigo, truly 🩵

Thanks as well for sharing those two experiences - I'm still getting familiar these ideas, but it really struck me that although at opposite ends of engagement, both shared that same 'unilateral decision-making' - individually/to the side, without that shared table/blueprint chat with you, and your wants part of the conversation too.

It really resonates how you talk about loneliness and lack of self-love/respect influencing what we accept, and how long we hang in... 

I'm an occupational therapist (independence!), and your approach reminds me of ours in a way - if someone can't hold a pencil, you start by building up their tummy/hip stability first. Good base, leads to better posture, which leads to better outcomes for the hands. I feel you use that here too - good base of self-love/respect, for better "posture" in seeing/waiting for things, which leads to better end engagements with others ❤️

I'll definitely keep building up that "self" base 😊 (I've booked two small solo overnight stays, something I used to do before my 7yr and 2yr relationships).

Thank you, I'd love your thoughts on a current crossroads if you have the space: my recent partner reached out after breaking up, feeling less burnt out, and wanting to start at a "lower level"... there's warmth and reconnect, but with the work I've done, I'm more hesitant to "jump back in" (yes, growth! 😅). If we do have a "transition/reconnect" period, I feel we'd need a very honest "Blueprint 2.0" chat about that "functional interdependence" middle ground, rather than co-dependence or large withdrawals. Honesty about what we both want, and can give to our shared space, may help an end decision (even if still to break up) have healthier boundaries and considered for both needs. Thanks for being such a great sounding board and compass check here Indigo, and I'm genuinely grateful for our space ❤️

That's lovely (and yes a whirlwind!) about your two cats! I also rescued a rabbit 2 days ago. Sending my best to the three of you, as you gently build up that safety, trust and shared space together 😊 

Take care,

Wanderer (and Theodore 🐇)

[randomxx]

Eh op and thx for that , v interesting.

Your situation's far more a double sided thing re reading bits with on one hand you having a depression although that sounds more situational and poss' more about things your coping with that she feels she can't cope with but on the other, she also has some herself too aside from that that she's also having trouble coping with.

She either just doesn't have room for yours or she's just plain more concerned about her own and the receiving. But as you say, being a giver that can be a real double edged sword to.

ldk, my ex was 47 when we met , indigo would know all about this but she was also approaching or in already she'd say, menopause as well, on top of all kinds of court drama l couldn't even begin to explain here, from her ex. She got through all that 4yrs later with my 24/7 support and help but meantime menopause had really set in, on top of the situation all the legal stuff left her in, plus depression and anxiety through the roof which meno alone can do but on top of the rest, well. lt's all so damn complicated man, couldn't even begin.

Thing is, your gf is probably at least coming into the early stages of meno as we speak and that alone can be a wholeeee nother animal all it's own, on top of anything else. Has she talked about any of that ?

Just curious on that one for starters.

Hang in

rx

[Sol]

Hi Wanderer,

Have you been able to express to your partner your frustration with their lack of action? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I know sometimes we can avoid these conversations in case we hear an answer which hurts us. My approach for relationships is usually radical honesty, let your partner know where you're at, and hopefully you can solve things together. You sound like a lovely, patient, and respectful person of other people, and it's completely okay to be honest about how their lack of actions are making you feel.

[indigo22]

Hi Wanderer,

You are right, there has been growth since you first posted, you sound like you have done some good work in the past few months.

I can only say how it looks from my perspective, ultimately the only perspective that matters is your own, but here goes. I suspect you will never feel supported by your partner, and to be honest I think you are starting to outgrow the relationship. If I am wrong about anything here, please correct me. For someone to make you feel like you are 'too much' having just dealt with a family crisis is unfair. You should have been supported through that scenario but it sounds like you handled it by yourself. If she was feeling burned out for whatever reason, she could have said something sooner and discussed it with you instead of breaking up with you out of the blue. The other thing that is quite obvious is that you will not get commitment in this relationship. She doesn't want to move, she wants to restart at a lower level and clearly doesn't want to support you through a crisis. It sounds more like an acquaintance than a relationship at this point. Again, please correct me if I am wrong, but I get the feeling you are someone who is looking for stability in a relationship and I am not sure you will find it with this person. I apologise if any of that sounds blunt, that is not my intention, but I do want you to be aware of how much you have already given in this relationship and I am not someone who will just tell you what I think you want to hear 💜.

Go slow on this decision and really think it through, you owe that much to yourself.

Give Theodore a hug from me,

indigo

[Wanderer11]

Hi rx and Sol,

That's a really great point rx about the age/menopause factor. We've talked about it openly the past 18 months (both working in health), I've happily given support with HRT chats and when symptoms/lack of sleep/migraines hit etc. (bought her some sensory cold migraine relief etc). But, you've made me realise that's more the physical symptoms (she's not one to talk about thoughts/feelings a lot). So it'd definitely be worth touching base about that side too, especially when she shared she'd never felt that much anger/panic when she initially broke up...

I need to catch myself, that being understanding of those impacts doesn't change my needs in a partnership, for a shared space of support when life events hit me too. And we'd need an ongoing space to talk about things honestly, not just withdraw/keep it in the dark.

So we'll see what she's open to, I really appreciate that thought guidance rx! Hope you're hanging in there too.

Thanks as well Sol for joining the conversation, I think that fear of hearing an answer that hurts is a big one for people. I'm more a "talk it out, don't let it fester in the dark", and prefer a difficult "no" answer than being in any obscured/half spaces. But my 2 relationships have been more withdrawn/avoidant on feeling chats, so honestly, I find it hard to balance when the radical honesty chats (no matter how considered or gentle) are usually met with major withdrawal, or a defensive attack. 

Thanks both, I've set up this Blueprint 2.0 chat with her to hopefully give us that honest space before making final decisions (and blueprint by name suggests honesty at what's underlying!). To be completely honest, I'm not holding too much hope, it'd require pretty big structural changes on her end to enter this space, but I'll at least share my honest thoughts/ reflections, and we'll see how it goes. Thanks again.

[randomxx]

Hi there op and thx for that.

The menopause thought well, just an idea but may well not even be close for her or have anything to do with things.

No idea what the blue print thing is, sounds pretty heavy though might spook her are you spending anytime together at all of late or? Often there is no good time for the prickly stuff is there l know but just casually might work, dk.  Although,  tbh , just from the outside gotta agree with your last one and also things lndingo's saying to sorry to say but ldk.

Atm she seems to be consciously pulling back though but also consciously leaving you out on your own to so prob not a great sign sadly.

Good luck with some talk though, never do know and it is worth trying if what you want bc there might be things she's not telling you anddd, well, who knows.

rx

[Wanderer11]

Hey Indigo,

Firstly, thank you - your honest style is exactly the 'compass check' I'm wanting in this space. I know growth won't happen if I don't take the hard parts with the nice ones too.

Honestly, what you've shared echoes what my head (and more slowly my heart) has started to realise - the lack of shared support during a crisis, lack of earlier conversations about burnout, the unexpected break up (and now wariness). And the big one - commitment... we'd already discussed no marriage, no kids, but now no living together (even after 2 yrs), no support during heaviness, starting back at the lower 'light' level...

Interestingly, we both use the label "partner" as our wanted relationship, but I can see it's been more acquaintance/companion in actions, so a big mismatch comes just from our "partner" definitions...

I've offered a few weeks of 'clear air' (to respect a family death anniversary coming up for her), but also to honour my space to keep reflecting. Your wise advice to go slow and really think it through - your right, I do owe it to myself, and the growth I've had so far 🩵 I'm going to be very clear about my needs in our Blueprint 2.0 chat (which I can now better advocate for 😊). And more clearly define "partner" and what that actually looks like in actions. 

If we can’t meet each other's needs, I’d rather have the transparency/honesty of a clean break, even if hard, compared to the confusion of a 'half-space', or words/actions mismatching.

Thank you again for helping me re-find my base stability Indigo, and for this honest hard look at our space too 🩵

Theodore has gratefully accepted a pat (we're working up to a hug haha), please give your cats a pat from me too. 

Gratefully,

Wanderer