My daughter refuses to see me

PorridgeMama

My ex husband and I seperated 3.5yrs ago. We share 50/50 custody of our two daughters, aged 7.5 & 9.5yrs old.

Our eldest has always had a closer bond with her Dad, and believes that the separation was my fault. I'm aware that her Dad inadvertently supports this belief.

After we seperated, my ex manipulated a close female friend to side with him, and she now frequently cares for my children during his time with them, along with her own two children, who have their own trauma and behavioural disorders.

There have been times when my eldest child has been resistive to spending time with me. She has fewer rules around screen time, bed time, and her best friend lives next door at her Dad's place.

Recently things have escalated, and she is currently refusing any contact with me.

Her Dad and I are currently in the final stages of financial settlement, and she believes that I am forcing him to sell his house & taking all his money. She also has problems with school refusal, that he manages very poorly.

I am unsure of how to regain my child's trust. I miss my baby.

white knight

Hi, welcome

So sad, I've been in that situation in fact my youngest daughter now 33yo I have no contact with. My eldest I'm very close to but she doesnt have any contact with her birth mother.

I dont think people could understand the heartbreak of your child refusing to see you. The grief is debilitating. My youngest was 14yo when she rang my and said "I dont want to see you anymore". Chilling

I know she was encouraged.

From my own experience it is better to let go now with the view that as a young adult she will find the urge to see you. I always believed that and at 25yo she did indeed walk up my driveway. Sadly it still didnt work out. Why? Her narcissistic ways, taught to her by her mother made it too traumatic for me. She'd cut me off in under one week.

I can only suggest you wait until after the financial settlement when your ex has accepted the situation, then a nicely worded letter or cafe meeting to discuss banding together to make your kids as happy as they can be- meaning no ill talk about the other parent. Propose that and see how it goes.

I have no other answers, but please remember-

They will want their mother in their lives just not now
There's nothing illegal in what hes doing, just immoral
Keep sending birthday gift etc but dont flood them and dont expect a response
Keep very busy with activities.

I used to be an investigator. I connected dozens of children with their lost parent and visa versa. I never had adult a child refuse to see them. In fact they were elated. Yes they'll be a huge gap of lost years but you'll keep your sanity with hope plus packing into your life hobbies and interests.

I wish you well.

TonyWK

white knight

Hi,

Just checking in on you r u ok?

TonyWK

smallwolf

hello and welcome to the forums.

Losing contact with your child, especially in the middle of so much conflict ... I don’t have answers, but I wanted you to know you’re heard here. It’s clear how much you love your daughter and how deeply you miss her. If it helps to share more of your story here... only if you want to, then Tony and I at least are listening.