Lonely and gullible?

[Wanderer11]

Hey all, first time poster, but longer time reader/replier here. I'd love some advice from my community here...

I've noticed a pattern, in my close relationships (family/friends/romantic), where I get promises/words of wanting closeness with me, but then no actions/follow up... Friends saying they miss me, my sister wanting a stronger bond, my ex-partners talking big commitment (moving in, getting engaged) - but always, nothing happens... Really lovely words, but no actions or follow through...
I initiate, communicate (I even told my partner if say yes if they asked me to marry them... 2 years later, nothing). I try to be understanding and patient, caring and supportive of their space and their needs... but at the end of the day it's just me, waiting for something that doesn't come, and feeling used and low self-worth...

It happens in so many of my relationships, I'm at the point where I think it must be something I'm doing... I'm trusting/gullible, so I'm easy to be led on... the waiting is hurtful, and lonely, and I'm wondering if I need to make a change... Practically, do I keep believing my current partner who for 2 years has said they want to move in with me (but hasn't taken any steps, and at move time right now tells me they're still not ready?). If I wait I could have a beautiful life together with them, but I could also be wasting years on something that's never going to happen... any help would be appreciated 🩵

[indigo22]

Hi Wanderer11,

I am glad you decided to reach out to us.

There are a few things that I picked up in your post and I think that they maybe things you are not yet aware of. I am now in my 60s, so have had a lot of experience with relationships over the years and I feel we may share some similar traits, some of which I had to set some boundaries for.

So I would like to ask you a few questions for you to give some thought to:

I will us the example of your sister for this question. She says she is wanting a stronger bond, but that can't be a one way thing, both parties need to contribute. From the sounds, you don't have any input from her into making that happen.

I think the thing you are missing in this case is saying to her, "you have said you would like us to have a stronger bond, what do you think that would involve and how do you see us going about it"?

This says that you are willing to put in some work, but you expect her to do the same. From there you come to an agreement about how it can happen.

With your current partner, I suspect he is not ready to get married yet and since you have already said you would say yes, he is reluctant to take the relationship to the next level because he knows that if he does, your expectation will be that he will pop the question because that is usually the way things progress.

Perhaps you need to ask him "what exactly is it that you are not ready for? Is it the commitment? Is it the loss of freedom? Please tell me honestly so I can understand what is holding us back from moving forward.

Personally, I think that conversation is long overdue and would give the answers you are looking for.

I also think that you may be lacking the necessary boundaries that we all must have as we age. A boundary lets another person know what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. But first you must figure that out and I don't think you have done that yet. So my advice would be to use the time you have alone to ask yourself some questions.

How long am I willing to wait?

Am I willing to be the one doing most of the work in my relationships with others?

Am I co-dependent on others to get my needs met?

Am I able to meet my own needs without having expectations of others?

Once you begin to ask yourself these types of questions and answer them honestly, setting boundaries becomes second nature. It is the lack of self worth and self esteem that is the reason we need validation from others, building up your self worth and self esteem needs to be your goal while you have this quiet time to yourself.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue the conversation if you wish to.

Learn to love yourself first,

indigo

[Wanderer11]

Firstly, thanks so much Indigo for the time taken to read and to reply here, it truly does mean the world to me, I appreciate it a lot.

It's been a good mix of insightful and challenging reading through this, which I was hoping for, and you've put out there some solid reflection questions... ones that I have initial thoughts on, but I think should sit down properly over time to do them justice and try getting to as honest an answer as I can. I can feel the experience in how you write, and I feel very grateful to have a space here where I can take on board your insights and learning over the years and relationships, thank you again ❤️

If you've got the space for a bit of back and forth, I think the co-dependency and self-worth really resonated with me... I've always considered myself independent and able to rely myself (I was happily single until my mid 20s, before unexpectedly starting a relationship), but I'm wondering if the 7 years in a relationship could've changed that baseline of independence for me? I got used to living with someone, waking up next to someone, having the everyday life with someone... (as an introvert though, even in a long-term relationship I still needed regular time hanging out with just myself), but I seemed happiest with this balance. But after separating and 2 years now of living by myself, the loneliness has unexpectedly been  the hardest thing to manage... It can be crushing sometimes... I feel I've been able to switch back most aspects of life to being alone/independent again, but the loneliness is what really gets me, and can kick start a horrible cycle of hopelessness about the future, and low self-worth/self-esteem... Which I don't feel outside of this loneliness spiral...

Have you had any experience with managing long periods of time alone? Or managing loneliness? If that may be a kick starter for a lot of this, I'm wondering if it might be helpful in this quiet time to reflect on my regular social connections, as well as rebuilding that space with myself... The introvert in me hates the idea of seeing more people, but I might have to accept I need some social connection in when I have a solitary home space... Again, thank you for all your insights Indigo, they've already been helpful in starting some different avenues of thinking, which will be good for me to explore, thank you ❤️ 

Leaving some care here for you, and for anyone else reading this ❤️

[indigo22]

Hi Wanderer11,

I absolutely have the space for back and forth, it is a good way to get to know each other.

This link will give you some insight into my background, if we are going to communicate, it's only fair that you know more about me too.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

I grew up with a co-dependent mother and a father who was quite distant and didn't know how to express feelings other than anger. So when I look back on my relationships, I was very co-dependent with my partners which does put a lot of strain on relationships. I was very young at the time, but I waited 5 years for my partner to decide to get engaged and another 18 months to get married. When we finally did marry, it only lasted for 14 months before we separated and eventually divorced. I look back at that one and I know we should never have married and I should have ended that relationship after perhaps 2 years instead 8 years. We both had mental health issues caused by things in our past, were too young to be in a long term relationship at that age, and we were both co-dependent which just didn't work. I had other relationships after that, but they never lasted more than about 18 months. I had a history of choosing the wrong person and that can happen when you haven't had a stable, well functioning family situation. I had no idea what a boundary was, let alone have any, to be honest I was a bit of a 'door mat'.

The last relationship I had was in 2002 (I think) and since none of them had worked out, I decided I would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with a partner for the wrong reasons. I spent some of the years since sharing a flat (taking in my ex husband for a few years when his 2nd marriage ended which is a very long story) or a house with someone else (I was my mothers carer until she passed). I have lived alone on and off during my life but has been constant for the past 14 years. I have learned the most about myself during those times when I have lived alone. I can occasionally feel alone but I don't feel lonely, they are two very different things.

One thing that I learned about myself (which I suspect may be the case with you as well) is that I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), you can look up 'HSP Elaine Aron' to see if you resonate with with profile. There are quite a few of us here on the forums, which is not surprising since HSP's feel things at a much deeper level than the rest of the population.

I will leave it there for now as I need to be mindful not to make the post too long as there is a limit, but feel free to write and ask questions any time, I will do my best to answer them.

Take care,

indigo 💜

[Guest_10307]

Hi Wanderer, 

I've found myself in a very similar situation to you, and I'm wondering how you are going- if you've found anything that helps. The loneliness is crushing.