Lonely and gullible?

[Wanderer11]

Hey all, first time poster, but longer time reader/replier here. I'd love some advice from my community here...

I've noticed a pattern, in my close relationships (family/friends/romantic), where I get promises/words of wanting closeness with me, but then no actions/follow up... Friends saying they miss me, my sister wanting a stronger bond, my ex-partners talking big commitment (moving in, getting engaged) - but always, nothing happens... Really lovely words, but no actions or follow through...
I initiate, communicate (I even told my partner if say yes if they asked me to marry them... 2 years later, nothing). I try to be understanding and patient, caring and supportive of their space and their needs... but at the end of the day it's just me, waiting for something that doesn't come, and feeling used and low self-worth...

It happens in so many of my relationships, I'm at the point where I think it must be something I'm doing... I'm trusting/gullible, so I'm easy to be led on... the waiting is hurtful, and lonely, and I'm wondering if I need to make a change... Practically, do I keep believing my current partner who for 2 years has said they want to move in with me (but hasn't taken any steps, and at move time right now tells me they're still not ready?). If I wait I could have a beautiful life together with them, but I could also be wasting years on something that's never going to happen... any help would be appreciated 🩵

[Wanderer11]

Hi rx,

Yeah for sure - a serious chat could 'spook', her while being casual keeps her around. I'm at the point of asking for what though, you know? To walk on eggshells, for her to just withdraw again when it gets hard?

Coming more from a base of self-respect, I don’t want to waste either of our time in that cycle again... My aim feels more to genuinely get to the core of what we both want, and if we can honestly give that to each other...

(Yeah 'Blueprint' was from her analogy, she felt her only option was to burn the bridge down, I asked why not come back to the drawing board (blueprint) first. Talk it through together).

So I’m realistic an honest/collaborative chat is a low chance, and not the best signs from her too. So if she gets spooked, then I have my answer (even if a hard one) that structure was never going to work for her... 

Appreciate the luck, I'm gonna need it! But it's nice feeling I’d prefer to be by myself if it doesn't work, where I know I can take my own load, than feel a bridge collapse under me again. 

I hope you're going okay on your end. Take care rx, and thanks as always for the honesty too.

Wanderer

[randomxx]

Sounds so similar to what my ex started doing, your right to be looking out for yourself. l had been  the last 18mths with mine but at the same time, bc of my pride, l just couldn't bring myself to lay my feelings on the line bc l couldn't trust the way she'd become or her feelings.

Sometimes l think l should've, sometimes l think me not doing that made her protect herself and shut us down thinking l didn't love her and l think l mentioned that here but a MH friend of mine suggested that too.

Trouble was,  she was so on off, anytime, even after beautiful times between us filled with emotion and love and coming from her next minute boom, even next day, l just couldn't trust her. Seeming like it's for good this time not a word in 2mths, usually it's only a few days.

Sometimes l think there might've been someone else or she was on the prowl.

The way your lady's reversing though, man, that part of it is so like my lady did, but as l say usually after our strongest moments or plans.

rx

[randomxx]

Mind you, he also said she could've been just too overwhelmed with her own problems at those higher points .

[indigo22]

Hi Wanderer,

I am really pleased that you have recognised the things I talked about on your own. It's not easy to be objective when you are in the middle of it, so well done for all the progress you have made. You are becoming an observer as well as a participant, an ability that will be helpful in all of your relationships from now on. Your compass may have been a little off a few months ago, but it is now pointing in the right direction.

Please let us know how things go and know that whatever the outcome, we are here to support you. In the meantime, if there is anything else you would like to talk about, please go for it.

I am still in the bad books with one of the boys but the other gratefully accepted your pat.
Hope you are having a good day,

indigo 💜