Leaving an 8 year relationship

[Sas]

Im in my 30’s and ive been in a relationship for 8 years with my boyfriend

i have severe depression, anxiety, OCD and attchment issues.

i havent been feeling myself for awhile now and i dont feel like our relationship is meeting my needs.

we have lived 50 minutes from my family for 8 years, he bought a house 3 years ago and for 8 years its always been around the corner from his family, ive told him i struggle being away frim my family, but he doesnt take it in.

he drinks almost every weekend, i dont. He have past trauma with alcohol that i have been working on, but he isnt supportive, he drinks to all hours, gets very drunk, can be mean when drunk. I tell him how i feel and he says men drink its what they do.

we dont kiss, and our intimacy is all about him which is only once a month or so. We dont do any kind of public affection so we pretty much act like friends in public. We dont do much together only drives, walks or holidays to small country towns. He isnt apart of my family life either.

he can be nice sometimes, but when he is nice that stops me from leaving.

im affraid to leave because the last time i went through a break up i couldnt function for months and i couldnt go to work i ended up losing my job, my depression gets really bad. Im affraid of regretting it, im affraid of being without him, im affraid of change, im affraid of seeing him with someone else. Im affraid he wont take it well and i dont do well with conflict.

I do have family support but my depression takes over and they dont know how to help, my psychologist is helping but even she says the environment i am in is making it hard for her to help me.

I feel so bad for leaving especially when he be’s nice to me.

how do i cope with the leaving, how do i cope with the after leaving. How do i stop the regret, how do i stop the earning for him, how do i stop spiralling, and with my anxiety i know i will check up on him how do i not check up on. Has anyone else been in this situation.

[Picture]

Hi Sas - that doesn’t sound easy. Good news that you have a psychologist. It may be useful to talk to your gp during this difficult time , so they can help consider what additional supports might be appropriate for you. 
 

It is always difficult to end a relationship that is not working. You may wish to talk to a psychologist regarding the emotional implications of leaving and strategies to cope. Before you leave it would also be good to work out practical arrangements - eg. Living arrangements, finances. If you think there is some benefit to couples counseling, this could be something to consider (even if it is just how to work through the separation harmoniously).

Only you can make the decision to leave. One way to think of it is this - where do you want to be in 5 years? Is it with your partner? Just because your partner is nice to you, does not mean you need to stay in the relationship.

Wishing you the best.

[therising]

Hi Sas

I'm wondering whether a gradual form of disconnection may suit you better. Who knows, in the process he might wake up to a few things. What I mean by a gradual form of disconnection could involve you traveling more often to spend time with your family or catching up with them at home or half way between your place and theirs. You start to spend more time with them and less with him. It could mean developing interests in helping you manage your nervous system and how you feel or sense your emotions. Whether that resembles joining a guided meditation circle or a circle of people who are about mastering emotions, this can mean spending more time with others and in states of supported self development. Spending time with him only when he's sober can mean spending more time with yourself and developing new interests that serve you. It could become a matter of 'I love spending more time with my family, I love spending time in a state of self development and in my new circle, I love spending much needed time away from him when he's drunk and insulting, I love this..., I love that...' and so on. In the process of falling in love with so many different or new things (including how you're feeling life), the sole focus is no longer your partner. In this process, I imagine he'll either see you as being 'difficult' or 'less emotionally connected (to him)' or he'll develop a greater sense of finding a balance between what actually serves the both of you, as opposed to what tends to serve him. Sounds like he loves his comfort zone, which is not necessarily your comfort zone at times. 

Btw, I know I make it sound so simple, something like joining a meditation group. For me it's not all that straight forward, so I get it. When you don't have an enormous amount of self confidence or inner calm, joining a whole new circle of people can tend to set off your nervous system something shocking. Renaming or reframing an emotion can sometimes help, sometimes. Instead of 'I am sensing all this fear and stress in me', I try to consider 'What I'm sensing is my body working me up to courage'. With those so-called 'butterflies' starting to go a little crazy around the solar plexus area, sometimes I imagine what they're doing is trying to form a little yet powerful tornado of courage within me. As they move faster and faster, they start generating more light, more brilliance. You gotta breathe out some of that energy, btw. It can get pretty intense. A really good facilitator of a meditation group will fully acknowledge the nerves involved for newcomers and may address this with great care and consideration. Wondering whether you have a friend/family member who can help you get started in a new area of interest or self development. Maybe this is something you could discuss with your psychologist as well. 

Of course it's easy for a partner to be nice and happy when everything's going their way but that 'My way or the highway' kinda vibe doesn't necessarily do us any favours. I've found that highway can come to be about finding the high or higher way, the way that generates a high in us. If you get a high out of seeing your family more often, it can be a matter of 'I'm hitting the road to get a high by going to see my family. Catch ya later!' 😊 If he says 'But we're going to see my family (again)', to that I would confidently say 'Hmmm...let me just get a feel for that. Nope, now that I can really feel it, it just doesn't give me the same high'. 

[trying_my_best]

Hi Sas, 

The situation you find yourself in must be really hard on you, but please know you are not alone! Other than the amazing support system you had described so many women also experience things like this too. For me it was my father who was an alcoholic, on occasion he did get verbally mean to my mother. My mum told him he needed to make changes if they were going to stay together, and that’s what he did. Which I am aware is a best case scenario. 

As Picture said, couples therapy, if you feel could be beneficial could be a good place to start along with a conversation. However, if you agree with your psychologist and feel that being out of that environment is the best thing for you, discussing with your family your options could be a great idea. I also liked TheRising’s idea of a gradual disconnection if you feel that is something that is beneficial for you. I also struggle with the dissolving of relationships and when I have had a gradually disconnected from them I have allowed myself, and them, the space to think about what I feel is important for me in that time and what to do about it. Maybe even taking a day to yourself and taking yourself on a date could help give you some of the space required to make these decisions. 

It is commendable how well you are currently taking care of yourself. I wish you the best!