Alcohol & depression has damaged our relationship, I can’t live with him but don’t want to lose him

[Sheena]

Hi, 

my partner hasn’t worked for 3 years after a heart attack and he went into deep depression and drinking every day to excess. I’ve financially supported us, got my son through VCE and supported his daughter living with us for a year. He goes to the pub every day and smokes a packet of cigarettes a day. At first I was thinking just needed time but things got worse and worse. He’s refused to come to social tho gs, family events, anything with my friends. He only leaves the house to go to the pub. The only thing we do is watch tv together. We sleep in seperate rooms now for nearly 18 months and no intimacy for over 2 years. I have said I can’t live with it anymore. My son has already moved out and my partners daughter moved back overseas. I feel guilty to leave him, I love him and I know he loves me more than anyone ever has. But I can’t live with the alcohol and the expectation that I will just keep financially supporting everything. I now have depression again and such awful anxiety. I think if we live separately we’d be happier and could work on our troubles, but I don’t know if it’s possible. I love him but can’t live with him and I’ve lost respect. I’m feeling resentful and disappointed and so sad. And I feel guilt to want to be separate like I’m letting him down. I’m so torn. Can I work through this? How much do you accept and try to fix before you just have to say it’s not salvageable? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In some desperate circumstances sometimes you need other people to remind you that looking after yourself is indeed more a priority than your partner. It's admirable for you to hang onto this for so long but at what cost? and as a relationship needs two people to make it work you are not realistic in hoping things will turn around unless he shows signs it will.

So, sorry to say the best advice I can offer you is to save your own sanity, start rebuilding your life separately and if, if, it was to work then he will come running with plans, determination and professional help in tow. 

To do this you'd need to think with your mind rather than your heart, all that thinking about how much you love him and him you is not going to help you move forward, its like an anchor.

My peer advice comes from lived experience with my first wife, while the marriage should not have lasted 3 months it lasted 11 years and 2 kids. I refused to give up, the stigma of a failed marriage and going to a part time father etc all made me hang on until it all became too much and that sadly led to a attempt on my own life. One week later I packed my bags. Strange enough her 2nd husband rang me one day to ask me how to deal with her narcissistic ways, I told him thats why I sort a divorce. 

There is a chance that the shock of you moving out will snap his mind out of this, but dont hold your breath. We all know here that people must help themselves before you can help them.

I wish you well, sorry if I appear blunt but my care is with you. It's brave and loving to take the approach you've taken, time to take care of you.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Sheena

My heart goes out to you so much as you experience something so challenging as living with someone who experiences alcohol use disorder (formally known as alcoholism). To say it's far from easy at times can feel like an understatement. 

I recall one time sitting at the dining table with my kids after my husband had left it after dinner. While expressing our frustration, we reached the conclusion that interacting with him while he's drinking is like interacting with a whole other person. I jokingly said to my 20yo son and 23yo daughter 'What are we going to call this other person?'. My daughter said 'Ian', the first name that popped into her head. While this was something that began as lighthearted conversation, born out of frustration, it actually triggered a whole different perspective and one that offered me a greater sense of management. 

I came to see it as 'While I will reason with my husband, I will never reason with 'Ian' because it's pointless and even enraging at times. While I will have conversations with my husband that I need him to remember, I flat out refuse to have such conversations with 'Ian'. While I will will have general conversations with my husband, I will not have them with his drinking nature, as this nature is incredibly repetitive and can take me to the brink of insanity at times'. The list goes on. There have been occasions where my husband's said something along the lines of 'You hardly spend any time with me'. My response has been 'I will spend time with your sober self but not your drinking or drunk self. The less time I spend with you speaks volumes as to how much you drink and that is not my fault'. I discovered that after years of enabling or tolerating 'Ian', I decided to stop it and save my sanity instead. I also decided to give my husband more realistic roles and manage the rest myself while finding others who could help me manage at times. The side effect was a greater sense of independence and a greater sense of connection with those who are supportive and inspiring.

With a stronger sense of independence, we naturally began to separate in a number of ways while still living together on the same property. While we do still get along well in some ways, I've come to enjoy a sense of self focus and the joy that brings me. So much of my focus used to be on my relationship and the sadness and stress involved in that, as well as trying to make things work under the circumstances. I should add the fact that my husband is actually a good man and remains a great financial provider, providing me with the opportunities to manage a lot outside of my part time work hours.

I'm wondering whether you could begin focusing on one or two things that offer you a break from spending time with your husband when he's been drinking. One could involve you renovating your bedroom to resemble your happy place (something I did myself). It's my place of peace. It's very zen by the way. Not sure if something like a meditation circle is your cup of tea but getting out to become a member of some form of self development circle can mean returning home with more liberating feelings, along with a sense of personal growth. Connecting more to who you are and how you want to feel may help you develop your own natural path. It becomes a natural separation of paths with elements of joy for you to experience, instead of it all being about a solely heartbreaking sense of separation.  

[therising]

Hi Sheena

I forgot to mention...if you can't afford to start developing self loving interests because of you covering the alcohol and cigarette expenses, it's time to say something along the lines of 'Either you get a job to generate more income, to cover these expenses, or you cut back on them. I literally can't afford to live life in ways that are going to bring me a greater sense of joy and this is something you need to face'. While I imagine he much prefers to feel a sense of peace or a sense of relief, he will not want to face that which brings him a sense of urgency or great discomfort. Sheena, a sense of urgency and great discomfort (amongst many other things) are what you are feeling by the sound of it.

[Sheena]

Thanks for taking time to respond. I know I’m now in a situation where his behaviour and choices has affected all of us so negatively that it is not sustainable. I don’t hate him, he’s a good hearted kind man. He’s terribly broken and has had a very troubled life. But alcohol has always been his management strategy. Oddly, I’m torn between not wanting to be responsible for him and deal with all the crap but also not wanting to be without him and missing him, hating the idea of not having him in my life. I’m like the “dog in the manger”. 
it’s so hard to get past my anxiety as well. I know I will worry about him and feel I’m responsible for him. I also want to be the one to care for him side it’s my love language but it’s not possible when it’s not returned. I found myself so distressed and sad a few days ago and wanted comfort from him yet he’s the one causing the distress, how messed up is that? 
I know his choices are his and I’m not responsible, it’s just so hard to accept it. Thankyou for taking time to reply🙏

[Sheena]

Thankyou for taking time to reply and share your experience. I totally get the alter ego thing. My version of Ian has gone from being someone who was chill and even funny or fun but mostly chill to someone now who is morbid, reactive and a bit of an a’hole. He’s been better lately but relapses the other night and was so awful to be around that I left and went to my sons. 
I was so distressed a few days ago and wanted comfort from him but also annoyed that he’s the reason I was so upset. It’s so confusing! I know I’m not responsible for his choices of how to handle life. And I’m not finding life easy and I’m difficult too at times but I don’t drink. I guess I’m just so so sad at the thought of losing him, and not wanting to. I want to still have him in my life but I know I can’t be the person he needs and he can’t be mine. But can we change and work on it? It’s so difficult. My anxiety is so bad and the Dr wants me to go back on antidepressants but I’ve been off them for a bit over a year. I struggled on them feeling numb and also gained 20kg. Now I e lost the 20kg and I’m scared to go back on them. It’s all a bit of a mess. I’m so overwhelmed😔

[therising]

Hi Sheena

As a gal who's an ex regular drinker, I can understand some of the reasons for why people drink. I used to be an 'emotional drinker', drinking to manage gaining a certain sense of emotion or ridding myself of emotions that were too challenging to feel. These days I tend to be more of an emotional eater. Food can give me a sense of excitement, comfort, relief, joy and more. That's a whole other issue that needs addressing😁. 

I wish to share a revelation I had the last time I drank, a couple of weeks ago. It's extremely rare that I drink and I treat alcohol solely as a mind altering substance. Btw, when you think about it, it's an absolute trip how it can legally be sold. Might sound a bit strange but I'm fascinated to observe myself when I drink. What I observed the other week (while drinking) involved losing my ability to see into my imagination and hear my inner dialogue, two things I heavily rely on in life. A brief example of that would involve being able to see or imagine the order of the plan I have for tomorrow, my day's structure, and hear the guiding part of me that reminds me 'You cannot sit around eating and binge watching Netflix all day. You know you're going to mentally beat yourself up if you do that'. This revelation, losing my so-called sight and hearing, led me to further realise that's why I used to drink throughout long term depression (so that I couldn't see everything that felt depressing or hear all my depressing inner dialogue). That which cannot been seen or heard cannot be felt. I hope that makes sense.

Sheena, while I'm not a fan of feeling the tough emotions, I much prefer to feel them than be numb to them. This is something I've come to learn over the years. While alcohol can turn down the dial on the volume of grief that can be felt, I need to feel grief at full volume. The overwhelming discomfort that brings forces me to work through the grief, based on it being too unbearable to live with. And while alcohol can somewhat 'soften' or dull the feelings of grief, pure feelings of grief feel jagged, sharp, painful, brutal and more. They are the feelings that push me to work through the grief so that it is no longer felt so sharply or painfully.

You point to things your husband doesn't want to see, hear or feel (regarding his past). I found alcohol cancels out all ability, as a seer, hearer and feeler. What I mean is it can also be hard to see the consequences of our drinking if we cannot imagine them while we're drinking. While drinking, it can be hard to hear the parts of us that are trying to guide us to stop drinking or the parts of us that try to tell us the upset it's causing for those around us. And while alcohol numbs us to such things, we cannot feel the impact of all that which can be trying to guide us.

I've found with anti depressants, they can offer a different lens with which to see, hear and feel through. Like with the optometrist, finding the right lens can be key. The wrong ones come with side effects.