I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

[pinkflower95]

To try and keep this brief I met a guy at a bar he did the whole asked for my number thing and wanted to date me etc and we hooked later that night, fast forward a few weeks in and both of us decide that we aren't looking for a relationship, he decided that he wants to move back to the city and come to a conclusion to be friends instead. I later confess to him that I liked him more than just friends and asked if we could do friends with benefits thing, he replied with a small smile and said he would think about it - I even said to him that he didn't have to say yes to it or even answer that question if he didn't want to. Fast forward to a week or so later maybe and he said we can have sex , he did when we met that he is an anxious texter, can be blunt and has anxiety and bipolar (submania), I also have anxiety and can be a bit anxious with texting people too so we didn't really text each other too much. Anyway before Lock down 6.0 occurs we catch up after my shift from work this time in my car as the pub was shutting so we chatted away in my car about random things, having a good time, laughing, etc, and he kisses me a few times, during our catch up he also grabs my hand and puts it on his torso and later on his scar above his eyebrow where he was telling me about how he got it, later on he also was putting his hand on my groin near my crotch, which I was OK with since we had already done foreplay stuff with each other before so I wasn't offended by it or anything. Later that week lock down 6.0 happens, during the this period we spoke over the phone once (to which he texted me wanting to chat as he was feeling bored, which I was ok with, I didn't mind having a chat) during the convo I asked if he was still OK with the whole FWB thing as I was feeling nervous to which he replied 'yes I am OK with this, do you want me to put it in writing for you'not in a bad tone or anything, just in a normal manner. During the short time of him being here he never really texted me to initiate the FWB thing and plus with 2 lock downs happening both of us being busy with work, it didn't happen, plus me being a virgin, being nervous and not knowing how to initiate this whole thing also.

[pinkflower95]

Only a close co worker of mine knows most of what happened as she was there when we first met and I have been speaking with her for advice throughout this situation. She told me that even if people do find out, 'so what, who cares' you know that kinda thing, 'you have nothing to be ashamed of as such'. I'm not sure yet how I would reply if people found out, probably say something along the lines of it just didn't work out, etc. I'm still working that out and processing my mistake

[smallwolf]

Hey. Your friend is mostly right. Depending on your experiences it may not sit right with you. For myself a couple of years ago I would struggle if someone told me that. In a talk by Brene Brown she said she had a small sheet of paper with the names of those who opinions mattered. If you were not on the list your opinion does not matter.

[pinkflower95]

Yeah I kinda get what she is saying and I am trying to grasp onto that concept and hold my head up high, carry on with life as really who cares and besides what happened isn't anyones business, however it is easier for me to say that now whilst I'm not back at work at the pub (as far as I and my close co worker are aware no one else knows about it, unless rumours have been spread by him after the incident but who knows) I haven't heard anything yet and no one has really been at work anyway. I am kinda paranoid about what people think of me and if a bad word gets back to my family

[tranzcrybe]

Thanks for helping out. I hope this clarifies any confusion...

aversion therapy - receiving negative stimulus while doing something you enjoy. Although on your break, the environment was still workplace oriented. This can influence behaviours to blur the lines to social interaction. Any negative feedback can adversely affect your desire to overcome shyness if boundaries are unclear.

muso - musician/entertainment industry. Entertainers engage with their audiences to ensure a good time is had by all; but it is all part of the show. Any interaction is premised on the ambience and mood of the evening. On some level, this applies to all hospitality providers.

Hence, nothing personal/real - How people perceive me as performer (or you in your role) may have nothing to do with who I am in daily life. It can be a little deflating to revert to 'everyday joe', but it is reality (and who I prefer to be). That is part of the allure I mentioned - and, yes, the behaviours you refer to can put you in the firing line for some confronting encounters.

[pinkflower95]

I think as I am starting to feel somewhat better, taking time out for myself and reflecting further on the events that happened I think I'm starting to realise that I could've had a bit more conversation and initiative to organise it, "hey are you still up for this thing? - If so, can we organise a time, etc, whilst he was in town" and I should've followed up also after this discussion, however that would've taken a great deal of courage from me to do that - it wasn't an easy conversation for me to have initially when I told him how I felt about him and asking him if we could do FWB so for me to initiate organising it wouldv'e really killed me, plus I was never sure on the timing (when was a good time really? Busy work schedules, etc. Me being scared but wanting it to happen with him, I did like him) I am bad at texting and so was he and I didn't want to disturb him so I didn't really mention it to much just kinda waited and sorta leaving it to him for it to happen - a rookie mistake! He also admitted that he is not an effective communicator and that he could've taken a bit more initiative also at times, however that was when it was too late and in within the last few days of him leaving, he did say to me "it is what it is" which at the time I never really understood what he meant and didn't twig to ask what he was saying. I can see why he resorted to blocking me and responding to me in those text messages the way he did when I asked about if it was ok for condoms to be used - he was being sarcastic and I obviously hadn't gotten the hint by then that it wasn't going to happen.

I kinda feel even worse, feel even more stupid and embarassed. I honestly don't want to be alive due to my blindness and my lack of initiative. I feel sick and don't want to be alive, I am an embarassment of a human being.

[smallwolf]

It sounds like your friend cares about you so I doubt they would tell anyone about it?

And we all do things that we might regret. Believe me, I have. This was back in my highschool days... But I did it as a way of trying to fit in. The best of intentions.

You had your reasons. And you are human. There will be a time when it will be a distant memory. And it doesn't define you as a person.

[pinkflower95]

No she is not the type to tell anyone/ everyone. I have told her some personal things about my life and so has she about her life. She has been a good ear so far and a good co worker

[pinkflower95]

Thanks for your clarification, it clears up my confusion on your post. The below paragraph that you mentioned in your post did strike up something for me though;

Pay no heed to what expectations are overlaid, impressed upon, guilted, or justified as 'what people do'. You have your own roadmap to follow - that is real, unexplored, waiting to be discovered. Just try to listen to it a bit more?
BTW, you have nothing to be sorry for - you are giving it your best shot.

This is the part that I am having trouble with, I have been in therapy for the last 7 months or so to help raise my self esteem and anxiety issues. I have always had the mindset of 'you're not good enough', 'you need to try harder' or 'why can't I do xyz...' I experienced bullying in school and then when I entered the workforce I faced some harsh criticism like 'you need confidence to be able to do that job', 'you're not suitable for this job', etc. I would always be told to 'stop being quiet', to be confident, to make more friends, go out and do a hobby, etc. Hence why I have pushed myself to work in customer facing type roles (reception, retail and hospitality) I don't mind these jobs and I have/do enjoy them but they are not my future career (who knows?) to help me not be shy. I have always felt that I 'needed to be fixed' in order to be able to make friends, to be able to get a bf and to be able to secure a somewhat stable job to be able to qualify for a house loan. I have always felt that there was something wrong with me, but again I am only 26 y/o and have had a sheltered upbringing (naiive) so I don't really understand the world out there and what I have to offer it. I am so confused and scared about what to do with my life and feel that I will run out of time to be able to one day get married and have children, but again I am sure that is how everyone feels in life (like they have no idea what they are doing and feeling extremely scared at times). I need help trying to listen to my own heart with following my path

[tranzcrybe]

Nothing wrong with diving into a chilly pool - another thing entirely when being pushed!
Your life objectives are perfectly sound but they won't determine an outcome in themselves. Perhaps if this is overwhelming your thoughts, it may be limiting receptiveness to simply enjoying the company of others without conditions or supposition.
Most things drop into place when we relinquish control. Sometimes we neither dive nor get pushed - we just end up falling face first without a clue as to how or why, only to discover that it was never really our choice in the first place.

[pinkflower95]

Is it possible for someone to be in denial about rejection? Perhaps that is why I couldn't let it go when my friend said to not worry about it?? Like i couldn't understand as I didn't want to face any rejection from him?? Its kinda the only possibility as I reflect back and put myself in his shoes. Sorry I am in lockdown, have too much time on my hands, am embarassed about what happened and am nervous about returning to work as it is a reminder about what happened and have been overthinking stuff in my life but I need answers as I feel I haven't learnt from my mistake here