I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world
I'm sorry this relationship did not work out. I can see you were attracted to this person - something that can happen often or less so, depending on a person's nature. You explored talk in meets after you gave him your number and then both decided a relationship was not going to happen.
Please forgive me if I've made a false assumption but I suspect you suggested the Friends With Benefits option in an effort to make him more interested and start a proper relationship.
As it turned out he was not really that keen, though he did make some initial moves , then stopped.
I can understand you feeling sad and embarrassed, and a feeling of loss as there were times when he seemed to understand your feelings.Sadly you simply weren't right for each other. It happens a lot.
Any decent relationship takes two peole who feel for each other and want to look after them. Sex is of course is there too, but fundamentally it is an equal partnership.
This does not happen all the time, and on those occasions when you feel something might come of a meeting I guess you have to take a risk - as does the other person. So it takes a little bravery to open up to another and for you to both talk of your feelings. If it works out then that risk was small in comparison to what you gain -a loving partner.
So please keep on trying, not with offers of FWB, but simply be being yourself, seeing the other person cares, and care yourself. All the rest will follow.
Patience and courage.
thinking of we should probably use them' I will take care of it, etc.
Later that night he texts me an excuse to say that he needs a rain check and that he can't do it, I reply thanks for letting me know and if
would tomorrow be ok? I then never get a response and find out he has blocked me. I don't know what I did wrong but I know I did something wrong. Why couldn't he just tell me if he never wanted to do this in first instance? I spent weeks on end feeling nervous and anxious about this is going to work and waiting but when I ask him he tells me he was ok with it and on another occasion he kisses me in my car?? I feel so stupid and I didn't mean to hurt any ones feelings and ruin a friendship
(we had good convos together and told me some good things about me, for the first time in my life I felt that I was understood by a person and that we had common ground)
I feel confused and hurt and want to never face the world due to my stupidity and naivety
I hope you are okay sounds like a really hard time emotionally. I just wanted to say not to feel stupid or naïve. You did nothing wrong, you were direct about what you felt like doing and there is nothing silly or stupid in what you asked.
I know that sex is not something you know much about or have experience in but there is nothing strange about that. It sounds like you are trying to get it over and done with but just remember that there is also nothing wrong with just waiting until the right opportunity presents itself, you don't need to force anything. Of course this is your decision in how you want to go about it but I just want to reassure you, you are also great just the way you are!
Perhaps the reason you might feel confused is because he is not really being straight with you. Unfortunately I have been confused by many a man! and its always because I am left trying to figure out what they are thinking because they are not being open and communicative. There could be a million reasons why. It may however mean that you cant continue with that kind of arrangement with someone that is confusing you or that you feel is not being honest. I think FWB arrangement may require that. How do you feel?
I hope you are feeling okay today.
If you have done something silly, you most certainly won't have been the first (or the last), so cut yourself a break and use your experience to build confidence - anything done from FOMO will usually carry an aura of desperation (and some feelings of being used).
There are so many signals involved during attachments which override anything we try to convey with our limited means. Perhaps a little impetuous, but no need to hate yourself or cease trying.
To help process your thoughts, replay what transpired with roles reversed. How would you have responded/felt in this situation?
Always remember that 'lump in your throat' - it is trying to tell you something is not quite as it should be.
Maybe you're being a little too harsh on yourself.
All these lockdowns, workplace stressors, and the prospect of departure, can find you cutting corners in the usual romance/courting facade to just 'make a space' instead of letting things build naturally to where you can both feel comfortable. That's where this sense of urgency might send the wrong messages - 'hey, I'm not desperate, but we all have deadlines to meet so let's get a move on, huh?'
Come to think of it, he sounded like a nice guy - the fact that you weren't taken advantage of and then left stranded NC, suggests his intentions were noble (notwithstanding shabby on the communication - guilt, embarrassment, timing, finding the right words?). I think you picked up on that too which would only compound any sense of impetus to lock in a connection - yep, I can understand that.
Blocking suggests he feels bad also, and can't face the situation... at the moment. Who knows, this may only be a hiccup along the path to something more meaningful? Keep an open mind free from blame and carry on with your life - things work out, and sometimes they don't. And then, some things are out of your control and not a result of anything you do.