FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

pinkflower95
Community Member
To try and keep this brief I met a guy at a bar he did the whole asked for my number thing and wanted to date me etc and we hooked later that night, fast forward a few weeks in and both of us decide that we aren't looking for a relationship, he decided that he wants to move back to the city and come to a conclusion to be friends instead. I later confess to him that I liked him more than just friends and asked if we could do friends with benefits thing, he replied with a small smile and said he would think about it - I even said to him that he didn't have to say yes to it or even answer that question if he didn't want to. Fast forward to a week or so later maybe and he said we can have sex , he did when we met that he is an anxious texter, can be blunt and has anxiety and bipolar (submania), I also have anxiety and can be a bit anxious with texting people too so we didn't really text each other too much. Anyway before Lock down 6.0 occurs we catch up after my shift from work this time in my car as the pub was shutting so we chatted away in my car about random things, having a good time, laughing, etc, and he kisses me a few times, during our catch up he also grabs my hand and puts it on his torso and later on his scar above his eyebrow where he was telling me about how he got it, later on he also was putting his hand on my groin near my crotch, which I was OK with since we had already done foreplay stuff with each other before so I wasn't offended by it or anything. Later that week lock down 6.0 happens, during the this period we spoke over the phone once (to which he texted me wanting to chat as he was feeling bored, which I was ok with, I didn't mind having a chat) during the convo I asked if he was still OK with the whole FWB thing as I was feeling nervous to which he replied 'yes I am OK with this, do you want me to put it in writing for you'not in a bad tone or anything, just in a normal manner. During the short time of him being here he never really texted me to initiate the FWB thing and plus with 2 lock downs happening both of us being busy with work, it didn't happen, plus me being a virgin, being nervous and not knowing how to initiate this whole thing also.
48 Replies 48

Looking back there may've been subtle signs that he was indicating no that I didn't twig to or that I didn't understand. One of my close co workers mentioned to me to not worry about it and to find someone else and to not stress about it, why couldn't I just let it go?? Why was I so hung up about it? I think perhaps in the past when I have felt anxious about things that I have had to do or felt I that had an expectation to do I felt the same way. My parents have been noticing that I was/am acting secretive and had/ have a constant worried look on my face, I of course haven't been able to tell them (anyone else for that matter) anything/ don't feel comfortable doing so as I have had a bit of a strict upbringing so nothing about boys is ever mentioned to them. Part of me hopes I never see him again (and I'm sure he feels the same way if not worse, get revenge etc) as I have hurt/upset him and would not be able to deal with the hurt that I have caused. I kinda hope he never returns. I wouldn't be surprised if he has told my co workers what he thinks of me and has probably spread rumours about me, I'm kinda glad lockdown is in place now to actually be away from the place.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi pinkflower95,

It can be really difficult to read these situations so please don’t beat yourself up about it. You weren’t stupid or naive etc, you liked this guy and wanted to lose your virginity, but I think your desire to get it over and done with may have inadvertently made him feel pressured or nervous, and hence his reluctance. You can’t force these things, I would suggest finding someone who you are attracted to and whose company you enjoy and become intimate when it feels right. I understand that you probably feel a bit anxious about it yourself and hence your desire to get it over and done with, but there’s no rush, and it would be better to have an enjoyable experience with someone who you are into.

Thanks for everyones responses. I have been finding these forums beneficial for me (rather than journalling as it just leaves me more confused, lost and wound up, I am finding talking it out slowly is helping me to gain a bit of clarity) to work out my thoughts, feelings and to get a clearer picture of what may've occured. I do appreciate everyones time and effort they took to respond and I apologise for making anyone feel distressed or uncomfortable or any other way for that manner, I have had a really hard time trying to unpack and process my thoughts and feelings as you can tell. It was never my intention to hurt, make him feel uncomfortable or upset - it is the last thing on Earth I ever wanted. I really did value our friendship, we got along fine, similar sense of humour and for the first time I felt I was understood and he could see my strengths. He told me that I had a strong heart and I was an effective communicator (which he told me he wasn't and often used alcohol to overcome that as he is shy introverted and was bullied at school - I myself am shy, introverted and was also bullied at school) even if I couldn't see it myself, he told me I was loud, funny and outspoken which I became with him as I felt comfortable with him. He told me that I was capable in achieving my goals and told me I had the right tools in me to do it. He also told me that there would be plenty of guys out there dying to get with me, he even said nicer ones then him and that I was beautiful. For the first time I actually started to believe in myself more (I have been seeing a counsellor for last 7 months or so for self esteem, confidence and have been working hard over these months to try and get there) I guess I am grieving in a way that I could cause someone to become upset and that I caused them hurt. It was never ever my intention to do this, if I could turn back the clock I wouldv'e done things differently believe me. I wish I could fix this but I think it is broken beyond repair. I feel cut up and distraught. If I heard the words 'No' from him (a clear answer) and knew how sex worked I wouldv'e backed off but I've been feeling anxious and nervous for weeks and I couldn't really talk to anyone about it, I dunno I had a bit going on and there was times where I did say I was nervous and anxious to him during a few of our chats. I had poor communication here also. Perhaps as this incident is still kinda fresh maybe I am still processing and working out what happened

Where possible (beyond our current environment), enjoy the company of friends and colleagues in social situations - everyone knows someone who knows someone, and there is an inbuilt protection system within strong social circles to respect and look out for one another (word of mouth is a powerful safety net). You'll start to learn more about how others interact, what works, what doesn't, and something will eventually click.

It's more about being yourself and relishing company - interest comes from those who pick up on your personality and mannerisms, but equally what you see in others. There needs to be some seed of attraction (other than flattering words or the prospects of sex) on which to build, explore, discover (even in fleeting encounters).

Bars and nightclubs are a bit of a marketplace (and there's always a fair share of unscrupulous traders!) - not really for the faint hearted or inexperienced, especially when going solo. Best to take a friend for back up or the occasional voice of reason as required.

As with all personal exploits, risk is ever present; and to play the game, you must roll the dice. Above all, respect yourself enough to recognise that the qualities of your virtues outweigh the net value of your assets.

I work in a bar/ bistro in order to overcome my shyness and quietness, I have only been there 6 months or so on a once a week basis as I have another job, that is the only reason we met in the first place, I certainly didn't intend for any romance to happen at all (but perhaps I should've realised that is what happens when you hang at a country pub, I'm sorry that I seem to be too stubborn to change for my own good and undertake a sport instead to meet better people) I was only making conversation with him when we first as I was on a break and had to kill time. I have been told all my life to "stop being quiet" so I push myself to make conversation with people in the bar to help me overcome my shyness but apparently I have no trouble at all at socialising (just all in my head apparently), just the making connections part and expanding my network. I'm sorry that I can't do anything right in my life. All I wanted was a stable job to be able to buy a house and be independent and not have a million people tell me that I need to get a bf, and that it is not good to 'end up alone' oh and the don't leave it too long, no one is going to want you'. Why can't I be normal??

Hm, interesting application of aversion therapy for social inhibition, but that takes care of my misunderstanding - thank you, it didn't seem to add up, all things considered.

I was a muso for the dining pleasure of clients, and invariably had conversations with patrons who felt compelled to have a chat - some informative, others barely intelligible.
Without being standoffish, maintaining 'professional courtesy' and distance is necessary for sense of purpose and to avoid 'mingling'. It's a job after all, despite the allure of the surroundings in which you (or I) can end up being part of the attraction - good for business, I guess, but there's nothing personal, nothing real in the light of day (Do you feel that could have factored into your situation?).

Pay no heed to what expectations are overlaid, impressed upon, guilted, or justified as 'what people do'. You have your own roadmap to follow - that is real, unexplored, waiting to be discovered. Just try to listen to it a bit more?
BTW, you have nothing to be sorry for - you are giving it your best shot.

tranzcrybe said:

Hm, interesting application of aversion therapy for social inhibition, but that takes care of my misunderstanding - thank you, it didn't seem to add up, all things considered.

I was a muso for the dining pleasure of clients, and invariably had conversations with patrons who felt compelled to have a chat - some informative, others barely intelligible.
Without being standoffish, maintaining 'professional courtesy' and distance is necessary for sense of purpose and to avoid 'mingling'. It's a job after all, despite the allure of the surroundings in which you (or I) can end up being part of the attraction - good for business, I guess, but there's nothing personal, nothing real in the light of day (Do you feel that could have factored into your situation?).

Pay no heed to what expectations are overlaid, impressed upon, guilted, or justified as 'what people do'. You have your own roadmap to follow - that is real, unexplored, waiting to be discovered. Just try to listen to it a bit more?
BTW, you have nothing to be sorry for - you are giving it your best shot.

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thanks again for your response and for taking the time to reply back to me, it means a huge deal to me as I try to process my emotions and what has occurred and realise the mistake/s that I've made, however would it be possible if you were able to please re-word your last post for me? I didn't quite understand it - I am a bit confused by what you mean and are trying to say.

Hello. You know as well as I we cannot really undo what has been done. Similarly, I know and due to my perfectionism, when I make a mistake I think the whole world will see it. And yet the reality is otherwise. The only person in my cases who notice are generally myself and ???

Rhetorical question - who else knows? And for those who know, if they told you this story how might you reply.

From my psychologist... A mistake is an opportunity for learning.

And we do things with hopes and dreams and with the information at the time. You are only human. Now, how you approach the next relationship is your choice.

Finally, many inventions were the result of mistakes. And There is a kid's book on this topic. You will be surprised how a donut came into existence.

Listening to you.

Gee, I'm glad I left off the other two pages!
Can you be more specific? Rewording could distort the message even more, so I'd need to know how you interpret the confusing bits in order to offer any clarification (or affirmation). I guess it depends more on what you draw from your own experience in the context of any observations I make from the information supplied.

Sure thing, I am unaware of what you mean by 'aversion therapy to social inhibition'. I have never heard of this term and don't know what it means.

The part about being 'a muso for the dining pleasure of clients'. I'm assuming you mean that you enjoy talking with patrons and making them feel welcome and making conversations - would I be correct in saying that?

I am not sure about the part about being in the 'allure of the surroundings' - I'm assuming being in the spotlight for people under the influence of alcohol? And how they tend to behave and act around others (say inappropriate things, be flirtatious, sleezy, etc to wait staff and other patrons? Also the part about 'nothing personal, nothing real in the light of day' I don't understand what you mean by this

You should like someone who is intelligent and well educated but I feel the way you have written is a bit hard for me to understand.