I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world
None of us enjoy discovering what is contrary to our mind's belief. Rejection is different to that where one is shunned or disowned. Whatever transpired just wasn't working for at least one of you (I say 'at least' because I think you also had misgivings about following through, despite your tenacity - could this have contributed a bit?).
That's fine, and no reflection on either individual in the quest for satisfying one's complex emotional needs - your objective simply didn't match his, whatever that was at the time. Maybe he was looking for more romance, some 'deep and meaningful', or some kinky stuff! Either way, leaving the scene was (for him at least) the easiest solution - respect that he imposed no harm beyond bruised pride and begin to feel more empowered from the experience. By the time you return to work, this will be a distant memory, or you might even share it with a laugh at the whole thing, better for rising above it.
firstly, there is nothing wrong with you as a person.
on being a virgin... there is no sign on you that advertises this fact. There are likely others when you walk down the street that are the same as you. Nor does it indicate what sort of person you are. I would suggest if someone struggled with this matter it is there own insecurity and not yours.
you said people are always telling you what to do or what you should do... suggestions or advice? if you follow the advice do you feel about that? does it stop you being yourself?
my last question is (and sorry about the questions) is that if you are given all this advice and you try to apply it ALL, do you get lost in your mind and thoughts and not in the actual doing and being in the moment?
If the advice is good ... maybe smaller goals and just keep practicing. People who make YouTube videos don't get it right the first time. I have been in a few meetings recently and each time I have been getting better. Or so I am told.
And it is OK to make mistakes ... only human. You and me.
Hope some of this helped.
Your naivety, while posing some obstacles to convention, equally affords you a quality that not many of your peers can ever aspire to - easy to lose it, nigh impossible to get it back! Perhaps the envy is more from over the fence than you think and it's really messing with your head that you feel this is a liability - it isn't, and for the people who truly value you, this will be respected and admired - ultimately from the person with whom you find true love and lasting commitment.
If you feel you are trying too hard, then it's probably not what you are meant to be doing (or how you are going about it) for now.
- Hi smallwolf, to answer your post: I get overwhelmed with thoughts of what I think I should be doing based on advice and suggestions I hear (although there has been times where my older brother has/ will yell (or perhaps it is his tone that he uses) at me for things so I don't know whether to call it advice or suggestions) and I get upset with myself for not being there. When I hear people tell me something whether it be advice or suggestions it won't usually affect me in that moment but if it is something I have heard numerous times in the past like that I'm too quiet - its no good, you're shy, you need to put yourself out there more, etc) it builds up in me and I forget that I am on my own path and journey, which a lot of the time I get frustrated with because I wish it would hurry up because I hate hearing judgement (maybe I am too sensitive to criticism, I do have low self esteem issues/ confidence. I am also kinda scared of making friends/ relationships, getting close to people as they will see my imperfections and in turn tell me the same feedback and I then get overwhelmed in anxiety). I think at times I also get lost in my mind and thoughts and not in the actual doing and being in the moment after I hear this advice/ suggestions. I think at times I interpret this advice/suggestions/ feedback wrong and catastrophise) I usually have a pattern where I will hear something (particularly from my older brother who uses a strong tone (whether he is angry or upset or whatever emotion, I can't keep up with him) where I will then get quite distressed, be hard on myself for not doing what he expects of me and then I will speak to a close family friend about it and he tells me that I am on my own path/ journey and that my personality is who I am, everyone is trying to find their way in life).
Sorry for the long winded response, but I am trying to reflect back and work out what usually happens that stirs up the anxiety for me as I am write. I am not sure if I have answered your questions or explained myself well.
hey. You don't have to worry about whether you have answered my question. You have thought about what was asked and had a reply which was/is very helpful.
I cannot remember whether you said you have professional support or not. (Know I can check the other pages!) But... I am somewhat sensitive, less than I used to be. I have been getting help for a number of years in the area, and other things. Of course I would get homework etc. One of these was a talk by Brene Brown. Not the one she is known for. In this talk she mentions having a small sheet of paper with the names of those people whose opinions matter. If your name is not on that list... if someone says something judgemental and their name is not on the list, let that comment slide through to the keeper.
There are other tips and tricks I can tell you about if you are interested. These may or may not work for you. And if you want to keep chatting ... I am here listening.
...or maybe he thought he'd have to work too hard; or that things would get complicated with an inexperienced person; or, just possibly, considered how you might feel if this was only a fling - Don Juans are common in the pubs.
An uncle of mine once pointed out to me that the departed lover is of no consequence, and the issue we battle with is merely the loss of pride - that's the bit that really hurts; but eventually we recover only to do it all over again... a little wiser, perhaps.