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I made a stupid mistake, didn't mean to and now I feel really hurt and blindsided, I feel like such an idiot and want to hide from the world

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To try and keep this brief I met a guy at a bar he did the whole asked for my number thing and wanted to date me etc and we hooked later that night, fast forward a few weeks in and both of us decide that we aren't looking for a relationship, he decided that he wants to move back to the city and come to a conclusion to be friends instead. I later confess to him that I liked him more than just friends and asked if we could do friends with benefits thing, he replied with a small smile and said he would think about it - I even said to him that he didn't have to say yes to it or even answer that question if he didn't want to. Fast forward to a week or so later maybe and he said we can have sex , he did when we met that he is an anxious texter, can be blunt and has anxiety and bipolar (submania), I also have anxiety and can be a bit anxious with texting people too so we didn't really text each other too much. Anyway before Lock down 6.0 occurs we catch up after my shift from work this time in my car as the pub was shutting so we chatted away in my car about random things, having a good time, laughing, etc, and he kisses me a few times, during our catch up he also grabs my hand and puts it on his torso and later on his scar above his eyebrow where he was telling me about how he got it, later on he also was putting his hand on my groin near my crotch, which I was OK with since we had already done foreplay stuff with each other before so I wasn't offended by it or anything. Later that week lock down 6.0 happens, during the this period we spoke over the phone once (to which he texted me wanting to chat as he was feeling bored, which I was ok with, I didn't mind having a chat) during the convo I asked if he was still OK with the whole FWB thing as I was feeling nervous to which he replied 'yes I am OK with this, do you want me to put it in writing for you'not in a bad tone or anything, just in a normal manner. During the short time of him being here he never really texted me to initiate the FWB thing and plus with 2 lock downs happening both of us being busy with work, it didn't happen, plus me being a virgin, being nervous and not knowing how to initiate this whole thing also.
48 Replies 48

None of us enjoy discovering what is contrary to our mind's belief. Rejection is different to that where one is shunned or disowned. Whatever transpired just wasn't working for at least one of you (I say 'at least' because I think you also had misgivings about following through, despite your tenacity - could this have contributed a bit?).
That's fine, and no reflection on either individual in the quest for satisfying one's complex emotional needs - your objective simply didn't match his, whatever that was at the time. Maybe he was looking for more romance, some 'deep and meaningful', or some kinky stuff! Either way, leaving the scene was (for him at least) the easiest solution - respect that he imposed no harm beyond bruised pride and begin to feel more empowered from the experience. By the time you return to work, this will be a distant memory, or you might even share it with a laugh at the whole thing, better for rising above it.

Is there somethig wrong with me with being a virgin?? I feel like I will be single forever as no one will want to date me. It kinda reminds me off applying for jobs when you first start out in the workforce - they all want experience but no one is willing to give you a chance-just keep hitting rejection or abuse from employers. I feel like I constantly keep hitting a brick wall all the time - with life in general, career wise, dating scene and socially and I have everyone telling me what to do or what I should be doing, I in turn get caught up in what they tell me and the pressure that I place on myself also as I want to better and be like everyone else, then beat myself up asking myself - "why can't I do these things" and I want to do these things, then I feel like I can't do anything right, that I won't amount to anything and that I'm not doing myself any favours as I'm not trying hard enough. What is wrong with me as a person??

firstly, there is nothing wrong with you as a person.

on being a virgin... there is no sign on you that advertises this fact. There are likely others when you walk down the street that are the same as you. Nor does it indicate what sort of person you are. I would suggest if someone struggled with this matter it is there own insecurity and not yours.

you said people are always telling you what to do or what you should do... suggestions or advice? if you follow the advice do you feel about that? does it stop you being yourself?

my last question is (and sorry about the questions) is that if you are given all this advice and you try to apply it ALL, do you get lost in your mind and thoughts and not in the actual doing and being in the moment?

If the advice is good ... maybe smaller goals and just keep practicing. People who make YouTube videos don't get it right the first time. I have been in a few meetings recently and each time I have been getting better. Or so I am told.

And it is OK to make mistakes ... only human. You and me.

Hope some of this helped.

Being a later starter, there will be assumptions of having some experience in life and love. But while this might be seen as 'good', one must also consider the emotional baggage that usually accompanies such individuals - swings and roundabouts, huh?
Your naivety, while posing some obstacles to convention, equally affords you a quality that not many of your peers can ever aspire to - easy to lose it, nigh impossible to get it back! Perhaps the envy is more from over the fence than you think and it's really messing with your head that you feel this is a liability - it isn't, and for the people who truly value you, this will be respected and admired - ultimately from the person with whom you find true love and lasting commitment.
If you feel you are trying too hard, then it's probably not what you are meant to be doing (or how you are going about it) for now.

  • Hi smallwolf, to answer your post: I get overwhelmed with thoughts of what I think I should be doing based on advice and suggestions I hear (although there has been times where my older brother has/ will yell (or perhaps it is his tone that he uses) at me for things so I don't know whether to call it advice or suggestions) and I get upset with myself for not being there. When I hear people tell me something whether it be advice or suggestions it won't usually affect me in that moment but if it is something I have heard numerous times in the past like that I'm too quiet - its no good, you're shy, you need to put yourself out there more, etc) it builds up in me and I forget that I am on my own path and journey, which a lot of the time I get frustrated with because I wish it would hurry up because I hate hearing judgement (maybe I am too sensitive to criticism, I do have low self esteem issues/ confidence. I am also kinda scared of making friends/ relationships, getting close to people as they will see my imperfections and in turn tell me the same feedback and I then get overwhelmed in anxiety). I think at times I also get lost in my mind and thoughts and not in the actual doing and being in the moment after I hear this advice/ suggestions. I think at times I interpret this advice/suggestions/ feedback wrong and catastrophise) I usually have a pattern where I will hear something (particularly from my older brother who uses a strong tone (whether he is angry or upset or whatever emotion, I can't keep up with him) where I will then get quite distressed, be hard on myself for not doing what he expects of me and then I will speak to a close family friend about it and he tells me that I am on my own path/ journey and that my personality is who I am, everyone is trying to find their way in life).

Sorry for the long winded response, but I am trying to reflect back and work out what usually happens that stirs up the anxiety for me as I am write. I am not sure if I have answered your questions or explained myself well.

hey. You don't have to worry about whether you have answered my question. You have thought about what was asked and had a reply which was/is very helpful.

I cannot remember whether you said you have professional support or not. (Know I can check the other pages!) But... I am somewhat sensitive, less than I used to be. I have been getting help for a number of years in the area, and other things. Of course I would get homework etc. One of these was a talk by Brene Brown. Not the one she is known for. In this talk she mentions having a small sheet of paper with the names of those people whose opinions matter. If your name is not on that list... if someone says something judgemental and their name is not on the list, let that comment slide through to the keeper.

There are other tips and tricks I can tell you about if you are interested. These may or may not work for you. And if you want to keep chatting ... I am here listening.

I told my friend about this situation and she basically told me he is awful for doing that to me, that he knew he wasn't going to get sex out of me when he wanted it and then blocked me to get rid of me and maybe she is right. I know I should've forgotten about this scenario already but I think about stuff too much and constantly doubt myself.

...or maybe he thought he'd have to work too hard; or that things would get complicated with an inexperienced person; or, just possibly, considered how you might feel if this was only a fling - Don Juans are common in the pubs.

An uncle of mine once pointed out to me that the departed lover is of no consequence, and the issue we battle with is merely the loss of pride - that's the bit that really hurts; but eventually we recover only to do it all over again... a little wiser, perhaps.

I have been having a bit of a hard time trying to move past this (amongst various other big decisions and thoughts in my brain, but perhaps I will delve into that in my next post) and if I know myself from previous mistakes (ones where I have unintentionally upset, hurt people) that I've made in life, it will take me quite a while to get over this. There are times where if I find myself having a 'happy' moment which isn't often I will feel guilty and think that I don't deserve to be happy and enjoying myself and then start to think about how much he must despise me now, how he must think that I just used him (which never my intention to), certain words will trigger me to feel guilty and sick within myself as of the mistake I made. I am sorry that I felt confused and didn't understand him, didn't catch on to what was happening. I wish he just could've told me a simple clear "No" but anyway it didn't pan out that way due to the nature. I haven't been back at work at the pub yet (mainly due to restrictions still) and I am nervous to come back as it will be a reminder of him and my other co workers talking about him. I do kinda miss working there as I have been sick of my retail job and I enjoy variety and change in my life. I enjoy learning new things and being in a different environment and meeting different people from many walks of life.

To delve into the big decisions that have been circling my mind include: trying to transfer to another store within the retail chain that I have worked at for over three years and if I will be able to get a transfer to a Melbourne store if I choose to change, retail is not my forever job and I want change, whether I should continue seeing my therapist (is it really helping me?? maybe I'm doubting the process - my therapist and mother agree that is has helped me so far) moving to Melbourne (something that I have always talked about but not sure if I entirely want that dream however my friend constantly pushes me and lectures me about it as she wants me to be happy and she was in a sort of similar boat to me until she moved) and potentially living with 'unsupportive' family members in Melbourne. Yes I know Melbourne is under lock downs I am not planning to move there right away. The only real person I have in my life who I feel I can talk to about this is an old close family friend who understands my situation and empathizes with me whereas every time I talk to my parents, my friends, my therapist I feel that they don't understand me and I end up feeling worse, feel even more stressed, anxious and start to feel more pressure and think that it is all too hard and that I won't amount to anything and that I shouldn't be here (I will say/think things like - 'this is your fault, you only have yourself to blame', 'this is what happens when you're quiet, 'you're not trying hard enough', 'you've been saying this for 8 years now what the eff have you been doing with your life', 'its always you', 'you are not trying', 'you are the problem') I could go on with the thoughts and when I spoke about them with my close family friend he said to me that I am in fact trying enough, that it is not my fault, its not all me, that I have damaged emotions and have faced rejections in my life where I have felt shutdown by people. Maybe I need to start a new thread here but I wanted input from the people who have commented so far on this thread for their insight. I guess the reason I write these decisions is that I need some support here as I embark on these decisions however it pans out. Side note: for those that may be wondering if I have tried mindfulness and grounding techniques to help when I'm feeling anxious and stressed - no they don't really help me, only talking to my close family friend does, going for long drives, long walks and shopping cheer me up slightly.