A tad confused

[LeeA18]

My boyfriends depression/anxiety returned about 2 months ago. He stepped back from our relationship. I have been keeping in contact with him every few days as I haven’t wanted to bombard him when he is going through this but I also wanted him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. He slowly opened up to me about a few things. Over the last week he has shown signs of being his old self. I am quite confused as to whether he wants to move forward again or if he still needs space to sort himself out. Without sounding like I am presurring him, but for my own sanity, how should I approach him about it or should I just see how it plays out over the next few weeks?

[LeeA18]

My boyfriend and I broke up. He just wants to be friends. I just got sick of the mixed messages and needed to know where I stood as my mind was getting out of control. He said that he will be there for me but he needs to sort himself out. He just needs space. So he is getting it. I have been doing that but he was really good lately and I thought he had turned a corner. This is going to be hard.

[Sophie84]

I am so sorry to hear that. I totally understand that you needed to get answers. I kind a feel like my partner and I have broken up even though he hasn’t said that yet. I barely see him. Just know that this break up has nothing to do with you. This is his journey and you have tried to help but maybe he just needs to get there in his own time. Always here if you want to chat.

[LeeA18]

Thank you Sophie.

I believe that he is starting to hit rock bottom right now. It’s hard to sit back and watch. I love him so much. I have a friend that is telling me to fight for him. I just don’t know if I should if he isn’t in the right headspace.

[LeeA18]

I am struggling tonight. If the person you loved told you that he is still here for you but he just needed to sort himself out, would you wait for him? I am at a crossroad. I am focusing on myself but want to wait for him as well.

[Sophie84]

My partner has pretty much said the same thing too me. How long have you been together? I don’t think you should put too much pressure on yourself. It’s hard to start to focus on yourself again when you have been focusing on someone else for so long. You need to take this one day at a time, that’s what I am doing. I have good and bad days. No matter what anybody tells you only you will know when and if your ready to walk away. I know I am not there yet and that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when he doesn’t call or is pushing me away, even if he doesn’t realise it. I had to train myself not to have an expectation on him because he simply can’t deliver it wether he believes it or not. For now I am not chasing him, it’s very hard to do but I have to give myself some worth and figure if he wants to reach out he will when he is ready....in saying that the waiting game is torture. I feel for you I really do as I know what you are going through. Just remember that this wasn’t caused by you, this is his journey and maybe for both you and I the relationship timing just wasn’t the best with our partners..

[LeeA18]

We were together for just under a year but were friends for about 6 months before that as well. He had depression when we first met and wasn’t ready to date. We were just about to move in together. I accepted that he had a change of heart but it triggered something.

Thank you for your support. I have been talking to friends but I am also aware of them maybe getting sick of me going on about it.

[Sophie84]

It’s natural that it has triggered something for sure. It’s funny we were talking about moving in together as well. It’s hard talking to friends to because a lot of them will tell you to run for the hills but it’s hard when they don’t feel what we feel for them. They only say that cause they care. Have you starting seeing a physiologist...I have been seeing one for a while now and it’s the best thing I could have done, also that book I was telling you about has helped a lot. It’s not easy keeping a lid on anxiety, I am trying to be very mindful of everything and not let it drag me down but boy is that easier said than done.

[LeeA18]

I have started seeing a psych. I had a session yesterday. I thought it had helped but i seemed to have just gone backwards and more questions that I didn’t even think of have now risen. I have another session in 2 weeks time. Unfortunately she’s booked up until then. There’s also stuff that I am scared to tell anybody, including her, as it’s very intimate. During his good week he wanted to have sex with me and he was cheeky again. That’s where the confusion on my part came about and I may have mistook that for him getting better.

I guess with depression, the things we take for granted, like the process of moving in together, seems so much scarier to them and they need to take really small steps to get there. I was happy to not move in together and take it slow. He just put so much pressure on himself and perhaps the guilt of not being honest with me and talking to me about it, got to him. Who knows. It’s something that I might never understand or fully know what was going through his head.

[Sophie84]

I am glad you are talking to someone. Give it time with the physiologist. I was scared like you at first to divulge intimate information but you will find in time if she is the right physiologist for you then you will slowly be able to bond and confide in her and once it’s all on the table you are able to tackle it easier. I found that as well with my boyfriend, he wanted that as well. I think the same things too, maybe I won’t ever understand what is going through his head. It’s now been over a month since I have seen him and every now and again my patience weekens, hence why I have just had to keep things simple in my head. I also think your right, they seem to put pressure on themselves. I am not sure why they feel they need to do that and I also think your right when you say the guilt catches up to them. Right now I feel I am being sort of a distance support to him rather than a girlfriend and maybe that is all he can handle right now.

[LeeA18]

Yeah, you are right, I think that’s all they can handle right now too. Not the responsibility of being in a relationship. That label is too much for them.

I guess I am still holding onto hope. I just have to keep reminding myself that, the less pressure and the more space I give him, the faster he will be able to sort himself out and get better. I am just waiting for him to contact me now.