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A tad confused
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Dear LeeA18~
I've been following your posts (and Sophie84's) and feel sad that things work out this way. Feeling silly or weak because you are seeking help is totally wrong. Emotional blows are probably the hardest thing to live with, and I guess the fact they do not show on the outside like a physical injury allows one to discount their severity.
Seeing a doctor is highly appropriate and if that psych was no help you are spot on in getting another, they are a tool to help after all, and if they are the wrong tool they need to be changed. I hope your appointment went OK.
When someone is depressed it is something inside them, as it was with me. The actions of those on the outside are not making it happen. My partner blamed herself at the outset, but came to see it was not her that caused the problems. Neither did she fix them. Though love and understanding she created an environment where improvement was fostered.
I'm saying this simply to help you realize that it is not something in you, and you have an awful lot to offer in any relationship.
Croix
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OMG
You and LeeA18 sound just like me...I am completely overwhelmed right now, my husband is pulling away from me and won’t recognise his depression as the cause...it’s all me.
They say you hurt the ones you love the most, when you’re depressed but I see my husbands depression as a killer of his soul that is slowly blanketing all our great history in darkness...
I will continue to educate myself on depression and how best to cope, we are seeing a marriage councillor and he takes anti depressants but alcohol isn’t doing his mental state any favours... of course I cannot bring that up and play that blame game though, as he just cannot see it.
He must feel so alone right now...retreating from our bed to sleep downstairs and has stopped engaging in discussions with me, saying “he has no fight left”.
We’ve both said things over the last few months we regret, now no words matter and they fall on deaf ears...
I just need to find the man I am in love with again...he is lost and I am so alone...
Maybe you could offer me some advice?
Thx
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Know it isn’t you. Their behaviour can be erratic. I think we have a way of blaming ourselves. Alcohol is the devil when it comes to depression. My ex drank a lot, I had a cup of tea, he’d have a beer. Every night. This was when he was well. When we were just friends, he’d send me photos of a case of beer cans, all empty. He’d go to work, hungover. I don’t know how much he is drinking now but I’d say a lot. I don’t drink much. His family enables this behaviour too.
Unfortunately I have made the decision to walk away. Well, he made it for me as I don’t trust him anymore. Know when to do this or if you need to do this. It affected my mental health. I was in a bad place a few weeks ago. Don’t allow yourself to get there.
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Update.
After a turbulent 2 months of hot and cold behaviour, yesterday was the final straw for me. His erratic behaviour is just confusing and I can’t trust him anymore.
on the day that we broke up, we went out for lunch. When we were driving, he sent a message to someone with a kiss and love heart. He saw that I saw and he said that it was to *male friends name* and they had been joking around the previous night telling each other that they loved each other. His brother noticed him smiling and asked who he was texting. I thought it was a bit odd why he would do this with another male friend and just figured that each friendship is different.
We got home and we were sitting on the couch. He broke up with me. I was sitting next to him when he leaned forward and opened his phone up. On it were 2 pics at the bottom of the screen with “his initials ❤️ Someone else’s initials” and “I love you”. These were created in a drawing app. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t for 2 months. Didn’t say a word to anybody. It ate me up. I noticed 3 days later that they were added to social media. So I figured out who the initials were for. I didn’t see much activity between them on social media though. Just 1 like and 1 tag in a meme.
fast forward and I finally asked him about what I saw in the car. He told me that it was nothing, honestly. Just his godfathers daughter going through a tough time.
Yep, so his story the first time didn’t match up to his story yesterday. I actually believe the story yesterday. Only the second bit. Whether it was nothing, I am not sure. I didn’t tell him what else I saw. I spoke to a couple of friends who said that I should. I keep protecting him and not wanting to upset him, for some reason. So I decided to write it all in a letter.
What annoys me is that he was a mess himself and jumped on her emotional rollercoaster to apparently help her. It was a time when he should have been communicating and leaning on me. A time that was crucial in our relationship to work out things but instead he pushed me away and ran. Now I think I know why.
so that’s me done.
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LeeA18,
What do you want to do?
To me, a relationship is based on honest and communication.You as much said this in your 2nd last post. Perhaps the guilt was too great for him? And at the time the pain is very real for you.
He broke up with you and now according to your words "there’s been nothing but polite conversation"? Does he want you to remain in his life? Why? Can or have you asked him?
But remember that if you need to speak with some, help is available. Even if it users on this forum support you at this time. There are a numbers of ways to "move on" which ultimately result in a "new" you.... activities, removing reminders, etc. But are you ready?
Tim
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Hi Tim
Thank you for your response. I am actually not to sure why he wants me to stay in his life. That’s a good question for me to ask him and one I didn’t think of. We were friends before we started the relationship and I helped him a lot. Maybe that’s why. If he was seeing someone else, I can’t imagine you’d still want your ex to be hanging around. Possibly hurting me later on as well. its just a really confusing situation. I still don’t even see any signs of the cheating except for that. He hasn’t untagged me from posts on Facebook and we are still in a relationship on there too.
i have a psych appointment in a week so I’ll be able to hash it out a bit more during that session.
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LeeA,
Definitely worth following up or exploring with your psychologist. And asking him also might provide some insight.
From my own psychologist sessions, I know they also might ask what about you?
Possibly when you have answers to both those questions you can work out your next step?
Sometimes these conversations can be painful, or emotionally draining, but the flip side is clarity rather than confusion. While my problems are work based, it overflows into family life, but when I have conversations like these, a weight lifts from my shoulders.
Reflection and working out your goals you will make the right decision. My psychologist never gives me the answers...
Hope your weekend is going ok.
Tim
