A tad confused

[LeeA18]

My boyfriends depression/anxiety returned about 2 months ago. He stepped back from our relationship. I have been keeping in contact with him every few days as I haven’t wanted to bombard him when he is going through this but I also wanted him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. He slowly opened up to me about a few things. Over the last week he has shown signs of being his old self. I am quite confused as to whether he wants to move forward again or if he still needs space to sort himself out. Without sounding like I am presurring him, but for my own sanity, how should I approach him about it or should I just see how it plays out over the next few weeks?

[Croix]

Dear LeeshA82~

I suspect have done exactly the right thing. While there is no guide as to how to behave when someone you care abut is suffering depression and anxiety not pressuring is important. As someone who has those conditions there are times when it is to difficult to cope with others so not being forced to deal wiht someone all the time is good. So is letting them know you will be there, that can be a real comfort.

My partner found it difficult, as I'd not be consistent, one day accepting her asking how I was, the next reacting with resentment. Most importantly she did have here mum there to support her, she was not alone. Can I ask if you have family or friends to give you support and care? Trying to deal with this situation is upsetting, worrying and does leave one feeling very alone.

Talking of support, do you mind if I ask about your boyfriend? Does he have proper medical help, maybe with therapy and possibly medication too? I needed those to improve, and I'd imagine encouraging him to seek help, or use it fully if he has already started, is a most important thing you can do for him. Too many are like I was and struggled on for too long without it which simply made me harder to treat.

As I got better my relationship with my partner got a whole lot better too, I found I still loved her (something that was hidden from me for a while by my depression) and I'd expect your boyfriend's relationship with you will get better too. You would probably have a more accurate idea than anyone what stage he has reached.

It would be great if you kept on talking here, it is a difficult time.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello LeeshA82, thanks for posting your comment and a warm welcome to you.

You have done the right thing by not 'bombarding' him because what someone suffering from depression doesn't particularly want, is to be asked question after question, he won't have any answers and to think about it is hard work.

If he wants to talk let him say whatever he wants, you can join in, but try and let him have the floor, once this starts it's good not only for him but also for you, simply because you won't let him go.

I know all of this will be confusing as what to do, but depression can't be turned on/off like a switch it takes love and support, but if he talks with you then that's a good sign.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Sophie84]

Hi LeeshaA82,

I am going through the exact same issue as well. My boyfriend has very bad depression, and it’s hard to find the right balance, one minute they pull you in and the next they push you away. It’s soo hard to know where you stand with them. I love him so much, but it is like walking on egg shells and can be very frustrating. Just want you to know you are not alone and I understand where you are coming from.

[LeeA18]

Thank you so much for your comforting replies. It is good to hear from people that have gone through this.

My boyfriend has been getting help and is on medication. Which I am grateful for.

I have got a couple of people that support me. One of those people told me to go and speak to a professional about it. I have been doing that and have another appointment this Friday. Just seems like a long time between appointments. I have also been doing a bit of self care and trying to keep my mind off him, but that seems like an impossible task.

I have found that I have been overthinking everything he does and says. It really does feel like an emotional roller coaster. It would have been easier to walk away, and I am sure that’s what he was expecting. But he forgot how stubborn and strong I can be!

[geoff]

Hello Leesh and Sophie, I can sympathise with the two of you because I was at one point in time the same as your partner and I'm sure it was really tough going for my then wife and 2 sons, as I was also self medicating with alcohol.

Now I'm a social drinker, but I can't turn back the clock, I wish I could, but it's too late.

Along the way, I have learnt a lot and still speak with my ex and we meet each other at our granddaughters birthdays and Xmas.

I realise that everything he says goes around and around in your mind, but there's one thing you both need to do and that's to look after yourself, your first priority.

Please get back to me at any time.

Geoff.

[Sophie84]

You sound like you are in the exact same position as me. My boyfriend is also on medication, early days so he is still getting use to it. I am also seeing a professional, I wish he would do the same but he isn’t quiet there yet and I don’t want to push him. I have been extremely patience with him, but patience can also ware you down. I overthink everything as well, I just keep reminding myself that this is his journey. It’s hard when you love someone and all you want to do is fix it for them but at the same time only they can fix it. It is certainly an emotional roller coaster, especially the push pull senario. I guess it comes down to space and time. It’s also finding a balance between helping him and helping yourself. I am glad you are talking to someone about it, it’s the best thing I could have done. It helps a lot with my anxiety and overthinking.

[LeeA18]

Thank you Sophie. It is so hard to know where you stand when they take that step back. You remember how good everything was before this started and it’s hard not to want to fix them.

Today is a bad day for him, which means it’s a bit of a hard day for me. So I know to just leave him alone now. I don’t want to be dragged down further as my own anxieties go through the roof.

I have started to read affirmations and self-help books. I have been seeing friends on the weekends. I don’t believe he is ready to see me yet and seems to make excuses up. Which is fine for the time being.

Like you Geoff, he also self-medicates with alcohol. This is such a dangerous combination.

Thank you for your replies. They are very insightful and helpful.

[Sophie84]

Tell me about it, Trying to work out where you fit in his world is hard. Especially when you see glimpses of the person they use to be and when they are having a bad day your right your own anxieties go through the roof. I found turning my phone to slient has helped, therefore I am not always waiting for that message from him, if I check it later and there is a message, I seem to be able to approach it a lot calmer and with not so much anxiety. A good book which I am reading at the moment is 30 days 30 ways to overcome anxiety by Bev Aisbett. It is a really good book, very easy to read and makes a lot of sense. Although our partners are the ones with the depression I feel we need to arm and educate ourselves to be able to cope with it as well. I completely understand where you are at and feel for you. It’s nice to talk to someone who knows what I am going though as well. We seem to have a lot of love to give, I just wish our partners would see what we see in them and why we love them so much.

[LeeA18]

It is nice to know someone else is out there and can relate to me. This disease can feel quite lonely for the partner too. I sometimes wonder if he realises how hurt I am. He asked if I was worried about him and I said that I was. But he hasn’t asked how I was handling the relationship side of things.

I might purchase that book. Will get him a copy too.