A tad confused

LeeA18 · ‎04-08-2018

My boyfriends depression/anxiety returned about 2 months ago. He stepped back from our relationship. I have been keeping in contact with him every few days as I haven’t wanted to bombard him when he is going through this but I also wanted him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. He slowly opened up to me about a few things. Over the last week he has shown signs of being his old self. I am quite confused as to whether he wants to move forward again or if he still needs space to sort himself out. Without sounding like I am presurring him, but for my own sanity, how should I approach him about it or should I just see how it plays out over the next few weeks?

Sophie84 · ‎05-08-2018

The book is pretty good. I only thought the other day how lonely I feel in this relationship too. I wonder the same thing about the hurt as well. My partner wouldn’t know either because he never asks and when I try and tell him a little about my life it seems like he isn’t interested or preoccupied and that really hurts, but then I cling to the “I love you” and “I will see you soon” and that gives me hope as I genuinely love him. Sometimes I do ask myself if I should walk away but my heart is so in love with him. I hope these guys will realise how lucky they are to have us one day.

LeeA18 · ‎05-08-2018

Yeah, I cling onto those little positive things as well.

I am sure they will see how lucky they are when they come out the other side. Sometimes I like to think that mine is just a little lost at the moment and is just trying to find his way home to me again.

geoff · ‎06-08-2018

Hello Leesh and Sophie, I want to thank you both for the passion you both have in your relationships.

Unfortunately, that's what I didn't appreciate I was in denial and used alcohol to numb my feelings, it may sound to not be respectful, but it was my way of getting through each day.

Depression is a horrible illness.

Geoff.

Sophie84 · ‎07-08-2018

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I am trying so hard to be patience and understanding. I gently try and suggest professional help and it’s almost like coaxing a mouse out of a hole. I am trying to back off a little, let him come to me. I find there are a lot of empty promises, most of the time it’s when he suggests catching up, he is so excited when he suggests it but then it never comes thru. I think the intention is there at the time but the depression just seems to outweigh it. Do you have any suggestions on how to continue this support with him, I appreciate your words known the experiences you have had. How is life going for you now?

LeeA18 · ‎07-08-2018

I am struggling with meeting up at the moment too. Just seems to make excuses. I am afraid to suggest anything cause of the rejection feeling. I even started overthinking it and thinking that he was cheating. I just wonder how long I can tolerate the push-pull for. It was push away again the last couple of days.

Sophie84 · ‎07-08-2018

I know that feeling...I always find too that when we are together we always have a great time so that confuses me more when he doesn’t want to see me. Do you feel that as well? I know he is adjusting to meds at the moment and the side effects are full on. Sometimes the only way to clarify it in my mind is to know deep down inside he isn’t ready for a relationship no matter how many I love you’s I get. So I detach a little that way and look at it like I am supporting a friend. It’s helps take the pressure off from my side of things even though he doesn’t know I think that way. I also took away any expectation of him, ie like meeting up, phones calls etc, I do love him but I think he is just incapable of a relationship at the moment.

LeeA18 · ‎08-08-2018

Yeah, that’s how I feel too. They can’t commit at the moment. I try and tell myself that I have to be just a friend but it’s hard when emotions are there too.

I am pretty tired of the emotions I have been feeling. Up and down. I’ve had a tough couple of days. Just this feeling that he is lying and is cheating can’t escape my head. I trusted him 100% until a couple of weeks ago. His behaviour has been erratic as well. I feel like I am going crazy and that I’ll become needy, which isn’t me.

Sophie84 · ‎08-08-2018

I know exactly how you feel, Its very hard when emotions are involved, and unfortunately what I have found is that they don’t have the answers we want at the moment. I know my partner has depression, I mean why makes things hard when they don’t need to and it’s a horrible thing to see someone go through it. I have been where you are, your mind wanders and thinks of all sorts of possibilities like are they cheating, etc. That’s our anxieties coming out, the best way I dealt with that was to ask myself what evidence do I have to support these thoughts whatever they may be, when I realised I didn’t have anything, my anxiety drops.

My partner is erratic as well which I think is part of the depression. Things have settled a little but we mainly communicate via text. We only see each other every few weeks. I think it’s been close to a month since I last saw him. I am just trying to keep it simple in my head at the moment. This is his journey and when he is ready we can move forward, but I also know that at some point I may have to cut the cord and do what’s right for me if it becomes too much, and I don’t think that’s anyone’s fault it just wasn’t meant to be. I don’t think I am there yet as I still have hope.

I think it’s natural to feel how you feel. I ended up confronting my partner in a non aggressive way. I went to him as I knew he wouldn’t come to me and just explained how I felt and told him it was ok if he wanted to end the relationship but I needed to know where I stood. We agreed he wanted me in his life but didn’t have the answers yet as to when he would feel better but that we would ease into the relationship. You may need to go to your partner perhaps. It wasn’t easy to see my partner at first, he kept saying save your money and he would come see me I just told him no it’s ok I have other stuff to do in the area I am coming to you. I needed to take control of the situation and that’s why I went to him, without him realising I was in control. Does that make sense...

Sophie84 · ‎08-08-2018

Geoff made a good point earlier on in the thread, if you do talk to him, let him have the floor first, listen to what he has to say first, it’s the best way of finding out a little more about how he is feeling. When my partner was talking to me he said some pretty sad things, I didn’t react at the time or interrupt as I didn’t want to disrupt his flow of conversation. I waited till the end and chose my words carefully. I also told him when it was my turn to speak that he didn’t need to respond but to just listen. I could tell he didn’t want to hear anything negative and when I took the pressure off him to respond he sat there and listened and ended up responding at the end. It all comes down to communication and how you approach them I think...I am just learning all this as I go.

geoff · ‎09-08-2018

Hi Sophie, it's very easy to say with any person who is depressed that they will make contact with their partner in a couple of days, they are able to make this commitment because it's NOT at the present time, in other words, no talking has to be done, that's why it's easy to make it for in a couple of days, but when the day actually comes, that's when they get itchy feet and may cancel the meeting.

This is common as I make plans for a couple months time, but when the day approaches I find ways of how to cancel.

You make a good point maybe 'he isn’t ready for a relationship', that's a decision for you to decide on but it depends on the strength you have, I'm certainly not trying to say anything here, but when I was divorced that's when I suddenly became better.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.