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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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highlysensitivepersonhsp The five a's of love
  • replies: 2

Have you ever wondered, what am I doing wrong, why don't I feel loved? David Richo writes about what we can do to promote mindful loving via five skills. It will help if you can create a pact with your partner to learn these skills and practise them ... View more

Have you ever wondered, what am I doing wrong, why don't I feel loved? David Richo writes about what we can do to promote mindful loving via five skills. It will help if you can create a pact with your partner to learn these skills and practise them with each other. Isn't that what a partnership is all about? The first skill is giving and receiving loving attention. Attention can arise from making thoughtful observations, from active listening, from acknowledging another's presence. It means giving focus to another and taking an interest in them. It means being attuned to their ways of being like their mood, feelings, activities, etc. The second skill is to accept one another. This means not trying to change them, but accepting that each of us is on a journey in life that involves our own growth and development. It is useful if each of you takes responsibility for your own growth. That you act as partners in support of each other's development. Of course, feedback is important, but judgemental criticism, contempt, and abuse are not going to promote mindful loving. The third skill is appreciation for each other. Talk to each other about what each of you brings to the relationship. What you are grateful for. Show your appreciation with your words and deeds. Celebrate together. Acknowledge strengths. The fourth skill is affection for each other. This is about showing that you like each other, that you find things to admire in them. Warm feelings of love need to be expressed so that you know how each of you feels. The fifth skill is allowing the other their needs, wants, and values. Again, the key is partnership to work towards goals. To communicate effectively. To work together to achieve what you want from life. It is saying yes, rather than no, but with respect for each other. In summary, the five a's of love are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. They are skills that need to be learned, developed and mastered. Practicing each with mindful awareness leads to a more loving relationship. Sandra

white knight Relationship conflict
  • replies: 1

With mental health we sometimes find difficulty in separating blame for relationship conflict. We can attend our professional medical consultant and vent about how bad our mood has been. That bad mood if confined only to our partner and not spread to... View more

With mental health we sometimes find difficulty in separating blame for relationship conflict. We can attend our professional medical consultant and vent about how bad our mood has been. That bad mood if confined only to our partner and not spread to other relatives and friends, can set off an alarm bell if you have sufficient awareness. How do we know if its our illness or the relationship under stress? Could we be venting to our psych when it should be a family counselor? Is your partner blaming your mental illness on your battles when he/she is mainly to blame? I had a defacto once. She loved the pokies and was a closet drinker. When we finally argued about her high level of wine consumption she claimed it was my bipolar moods that "drove me to drink....and thats why I use the pokies to escape your depression". When us fragile sensitive and low self esteem types are told these things we can end up believing it when the claims come from a stronger personality. In effect our insight of knowing we have "problems" combined with our deep feelings leaves us vulnerable. Some of this topic was covered in the thread (google) Topic: so what are their mental illnesses?- beyondblue Although that dealt with bullying we should remind ourselves that there is a significant number of undiagnosed people carrying mental illnesses in society. There is also those of us with mental disorders that have narcissistic partners or partners that are unreasonable, stubborn, abusive, cunning etc that dont quite fall under the banner of mentally unwell by medical standards or because they arent ever assessed you'll never find out anyway. But often you'll be the one to blame because "it isnt me, its you" syndrome. How do you defend that situation and defend it you must, to enable you to be treated fairly? Acceptance! Your illness is a part of you like your limbs are and your organs. Your partner for the reason of love should accept that your disabilities are not your fault, you didnt shop for them. Everyone has faults. Faults should not be used as a lever to gain convenient dominance. Caring for ourselves is a task we already find difficult to master. Finding conflict with the closest person to us should be balanced with love and care and of course returned to them as a partnership should be. Then there is the other possibility. That their claims are correct. In such cases work close with your doctors. Do your best...and your best should always be good enough. Tony WK

Travgf Physically and mentally crippled
  • replies: 5

First of all, this is the first time I've done anything like this so it's quite daunting and I'm not sure how to begin, but I'm tired of being the way I am. I am 28, I have borderline personality disorder, extreme depression and anxiety which I have ... View more

First of all, this is the first time I've done anything like this so it's quite daunting and I'm not sure how to begin, but I'm tired of being the way I am. I am 28, I have borderline personality disorder, extreme depression and anxiety which I have suffered from since I was around 13. 3 years ago I was seriously injured at work and I have been in pain (even though I'm on pain killers) ever since. I was in a relationship when I got injured and the relationship was good for a while, although she was mentally abusive,until my ex found out that I would not be getting a payout from WorkCover and she ended things. In regards to the relationship I am much better off without her and she doesn't affect my life in any way now. However, while in that relationship, and due to my inability to do much without being in a lot of pain, I have lost ALL of my friends, and the one person I did talk to I fell in love with and she has now ended the relationship. Although she says she "loves me" and hopes that we can be together in the future once both of our issues are under control. I feel as though she is just trying to spare my feelings. I sit alone in my room all day, speaking with no one and anytime I reach out for help on social media I get nothing. I am incredibly lonely, I despise myself, I have no hope that anything good will ever happen to me, I ALWAYS take anything anyone says in a negative way and I am so socially awkward and terrified of meeting new people. I feel like I'm a burden on my mum as she is the only person who speaks to me. I need help, badly. I have probably forgotten a lot of things, my mind is just all over the place and I don't know how to fix it, or me.

Krisv6 My anxiety is affecting my relationship
  • replies: 2

I am not in the easiest relationship but I'm in one that's worth it. My partner has suffered in abusive relationships in the past which cause her to be irrational and have anger outbursts. Usually I would remain patient and be understanding at times ... View more

I am not in the easiest relationship but I'm in one that's worth it. My partner has suffered in abusive relationships in the past which cause her to be irrational and have anger outbursts. Usually I would remain patient and be understanding at times where she feels angry, irrational and is difficult to talk to. She does not want to be ignored but when she's suffering it can be difficult on me with things that she says to me. Im currently doing by best to address my anxiety which has recently spiralled to a point where I'm reaching out. My anxiety is taking the form of my relationship right now. I've lost my ability to remain calm and patient when she goes through rough days when she has outburstst and mood changes. I fear them at the moment because I don't know what the right way to approach them is. I often feel inadequate that I'm having difficulty dealing with them now and fearful of the next one. How do I remain centred when I know that reaching out is the right thing to do but I have to be persistent through being ignored and pushed away? What is the right away to approach a victim of past abuse when they are going through a rough stage?

Saphira Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own
  • replies: 14

I'm 25 and going through a mutal split with a guy I have been with for 2 1/2 years, I live and work in Sydney and all my family and friends are over an hour away. I had always been a very independant person and also a big commitment-phobe and since b... View more

I'm 25 and going through a mutal split with a guy I have been with for 2 1/2 years, I live and work in Sydney and all my family and friends are over an hour away. I had always been a very independant person and also a big commitment-phobe and since being in this relationship (he's a lovely guy) I've become dependant on him for everything really! He would always help out financially, emotional support, extremely handy with mechanics or absolutely anything I couldn't do and now I'm faced with moving to a place on my own and the anxiety is getting worse by the day, I'm moving in with family and will make the long daily commute to work every day for about a month I think to have friends and family close by while I process this and get my head straight but then I'll be on my own! Just hoping to find people that have been through a similar situation.

CharlotteS My partner says he is not in love with me anymore
  • replies: 6

Yes I know it's common to hear that, but there we no signs, a complete bombshell and it was blurted out without warning. We have been living together for 4 years both after very difficult marriage breakups where both our exes suffered from depression... View more

Yes I know it's common to hear that, but there we no signs, a complete bombshell and it was blurted out without warning. We have been living together for 4 years both after very difficult marriage breakups where both our exes suffered from depression. Sonehow we have created a happy blended family of 5 boys (me two, he three), they all get on great! There have been no signs of him being unhappy in the relationship at all, only the weekend prior to the bombshell we had a romantic getaway and intimacy was no problem. He saw a doctor today and will be seeing a psychologist to try and work out his unhappiness. His work has been very stressful which hasn't helped. Is there hope after your partner has told you they are not in love with you anymore? I love him more than anything, I just don't understand it all

Only_the_lonely Am I expecting too much in my relationship???
  • replies: 5

As long as I remember, from primary school, I as always happy to help out in the family. I remember getting up, going to the shop to buy bread, making sandwiches for my siblings, polishing their school shoes and helping mum and dad around the house. ... View more

As long as I remember, from primary school, I as always happy to help out in the family. I remember getting up, going to the shop to buy bread, making sandwiches for my siblings, polishing their school shoes and helping mum and dad around the house. I was always inquisitive about life and how things worked. I loved to get my hands dirty. Unfortunately, my dad did not teach me much, although he used to work on his car or gardening, he did not explain what he was doing and how he done it. Anyway, to cut the long story short, I am married for 20 odd years. Have two lovely daughters and I am a dedicated dad and hubby. I also work from home so I am happy to pick the kids up from school, I usually prepare dinners, work around the house, vacuum, mop, clean, hang clothes, iron clothes, maintain the yard, make beds etc. I will do any work around the home since I am always there. I have come to realise that my wife does not appreciate the work that I do. Firstly, I thought its just human nature to take each other for granted. Lately I have discovered that I am not happy as I don't feel appreciated around the house. When I do something, I make sure I do a good job of it, either being cooking, cleaning or anything else so I am no sloppy worker. I am a very sensitive person who likes simple things in life but I am also old fashioned who likes to be thanked and appreciated. I love my wife and most mornings, I make breakfast, make kids lunches, even drop them if she is getting late but I feel she is so cold. Sometimes I see her parents and I see her dad being so cold towards her mum so I think its in her genes to act that way. This morning, I made her poached eggs on toast with avocado and tea. I don't even get a thank you and its been like this for a long time. Maybe I am expecting too much but I only want a thank you and not much. Two days ago I pulled a calf muscle in the park and she let me walk back whilst she walked back home. I told her that I felt she is not empathic towards me but she said I was being sissy. I am lucky to get a cup of tea made by somebody else unless I ask, but I do it for them everyday. What do you think? Am I expecting too much as I do give a lot but only feel I am taken for granted.

YungAl Relationship Insecurities
  • replies: 7

Hello there.. I want to know that I am not alone..I am very very insecure..Im npt overweight or particularly unnattractive (according to others, not me), I am great with people, confidently spoken, I just actually hate myself most of the time. My iss... View more

Hello there.. I want to know that I am not alone..I am very very insecure..Im npt overweight or particularly unnattractive (according to others, not me), I am great with people, confidently spoken, I just actually hate myself most of the time. My issue is that I get panic attacks and particularly down when people, especially my close mates or boyfriend, talk about how attractive other girls are. I struggle to watch movies because there are almost always attractive girls in them. I dont know why I am like this..i find girls attractive as much as the next person but it really really affects me to the point I am so scared of meeting my boyfriend's mates because I KNOW they will say oh hey check this chick out blah blah and I will have an anxiety attack in front of them. Help me please ive felt this way for ten years

Kentish man Sadness, Anger, Fear, Sadness
  • replies: 2

Hello, I'm new to this and am wondering what I'm to do. I've read a few other posts and see there are some really sad people out there apart from me and I truly empathise with them. Mine is an ongoing kind of long story, longer than the 2263 characte... View more

Hello, I'm new to this and am wondering what I'm to do. I've read a few other posts and see there are some really sad people out there apart from me and I truly empathise with them. Mine is an ongoing kind of long story, longer than the 2263 characters I have remaining, but it involves a wayward daughter who used ice, who broke into our house, stole articles and prescription drugs, called me a shit dad and disgusting father (for why I have no idea as I had always tried to be the opposite). My wife is recovering from breast cancer, is having a bad run of things and is still not back at work after 9 months. There is more little bits to this story, and I'm not trying to be "hard done by" here, but things are now piling up on my doorstep, the wife has forgiven the daughter, has taken to religion, and I'm the worst thing because..... I've been to a psychologist before, over the daughters behavioural problems, she wasn't able to offer me much advice apart from breathing excercises. I'm on antidepressants and feel that they are just not working anymore, or at least not enough!! My wife is now on a spending spree and keeps telling me to cut spending! I'm just very down about the whole thing now and am looking for a way out, 13 years of abuse from our daughter, now I feel as if my wife through her problems is "deserting me". After writing this down, I feel a bit pathetic, but wish I could get off the world anyway.