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Wife is cheating on me again & refuses to admit it until i prove i know

Bob Robert
Community Member

Not first time, reoccurring in the 10 years we've been together. It stops when i call her out on it, but until i prove it she is in total denial. She doesn't realize that i know her so well that i can tell. She suffers from depression & anxiety & severe body image issues & often goes on chat sites to find other guys to flirt with her & give her the attention that she brushes off from me. Occasionally she finds one that she gets close to. They start to send each other pics (i have photos of the latest naked from behind & shots of her posing naked with strategic covering & so many cleavage shots, none of which were meant for me) & texting at all hours. She's used Skype & KiK, logging off so i can't see what shes up to after catching her before. This time she's just texting him & deleting them. She's seeing a new doctor who has her on antidepressants & a bunch of other things to help all her issues. Yesterday she starts off the day telling me how much she appreciates my help & unwavering support & that she couldn't cope with everything without me... She then made up a story of going to movies & lunch with work friends. She didn't think of our find friends app that shows me her location. She was around where she said she'd be, but in a park half the day, then she turned off her location hoping to not give her away when she later tells me she was shopping up & down the place with the girls from work... 9 hours she was out, on the 1 day of the week we get to spend the whole day together. I had to call her when i hadn't heard from her for hours & location was off. She sounded annoyed. Soon after she called back to say she was leaving. She got home all cheerful & went to the toilet. I checked her phone. There was 3 texts from him. There was also 3 pics of them in the back of his car, kissing. I went to the toilet when she got out, she could see i'd read the texts, she deleted them & the pics & came to check on me, clearly feeling guilty. I played dumb waiting for her to tell me. She keeps asking me how im feeling (I had been depressed for the last 2 days & just told her i wasn't feeling well) & trying to act like nothing had happened, though i guess i was too... The reason she's seeing a new doctor to get healthier is because we want children. How can i have kids with someone who is constantly looking for someone else & is such a mess that they possibly can't function without me looking after her? I don't know what to do & just feel helpless & miserable.

11 Replies 11

Kerfuffel
Community Member
I always hear people saying that you need to be supportive of people with mental instability. But often people won't tell you that you cannot be supportive if it's damaging your mental stability. I know you love her but she's hurting you again and again and using her mental illnesses as an excuse.... just some food for thought.

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Bob Robert,

Welcome to the community here. Only you can decide if you want to stay with this lady or ask her to move out.

If she did not have any mental health issues, would you feel any differently? As a person who suffers from various conditions, I know my issues make me think differently at times. That being said, I know what is right and wrong as well so can't use mental health issues as an excuse.

Maybe a different Dr can help her with medications and a psychologist might be able to sort things out. The there is "Mabye Not" as well. She might not want to change!

I'm not sure how long a person is expected to put up with unacceptable behaviour before they have had enough.

Like Kerfuffel mentioned, you also need to look after yourself in all of this.

Do you have someone you can talk to about what is happening? Do you have friends/mates you can connect with and spend time with?

Looking after yourself in all of this is important!

Making a decision to be supportive, to stay or leave is never easy.

All the best from Dools

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Bob, please let me welcome you to the site.

I've read your comment and understand the situation you are in, so I definitely want to reply back to you, however, I log on very early in the morning and it's time for me to log off.

I have written down your avatar as well as the section you have posted in and will reply to you first thing in the morning about 1.30am, I'm so sorry.

Please know that some of us have been through the same situation and know the consequences that's why we want to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Bob Robert,
This must be utterly soul-destroying for you, the constant lying and deception, disrespect, and total lack of remorse. I never understand why people who supposedly love you can treat you in this manner. I’ve often wondered if they don’t love you at all or they’re just incapable of love, it’s hard to tell sometimes. One thing is for certain, you can’t bring a baby into this situation. Firstly, would you really want to wonder for 9 months whether the baby she is carrying is yours? That sounds like a terrible question to raise but that is the reality of your situation. Secondly, a baby magnifies issues. I’ve seen even strong relationships be put under significant strain when children are added, and I don’t think yours is strong enough currently. It wouldn’t be fair ons baby right now.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long has this behavior been going on? The entire duration of your relationship? You mentioned that your wife has depression, but I wonder if it isn’t more like bipolar disorder as promiscuity can be a primary symptom? I’m not attempting to diagnose anyone as that’s for the professionals but there’s something about her unfaithfulness that seems indiscriminate, which is not your typical affair type situation. It may be her body image issues, but either way I think she needs more intensive treatment of these. I get the sense that you have also fallen into somewhat of a “carer” role in a way which is not healthy. I really think individual counseling followed by couples counseling might really help you.

Juliet x

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Morning Bob, when communication becomes secretive with another person and deletes any form of contact means she is covering up what you would not approve of, plus the frequency of how often it does happen.

I agree with Juliet in that if she does become pregnant you can't be sure who the father is and at the moment this would only complicate the situation.

A similar situation happened to me, where I caught my ex wife ringing someone from a public phone booth on Saturday morning, goodness knows how many times she made this call during her work hours, at that time she didn't have a mobile phone and she said she was ringing our sons at home, that was a lie.

Next week the same happened and this was when I beginning to have a breakdown, trying to hold it off, but couldn't and fell into the black hole.

My work stopped and being self-employed had 6 months works in front of me, that ended, and started to self medicate with alcohol, this is what we don't want to happen to you.

This has been reoccurring for 10 years and for her to be in denial is questionable and to lose the trust you once had with her is concerning.

What is a worry is that you have been depressed for the last few days, this isn't good and I feel sorry for you, so please can I suggest you see your doctor.

The final decision you have to make may have already been made.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Juliet_84, it’s gone on as long as I’ve known her. I’ve wondered about her being bipolar before but none of her many doctors have diagnosed it. That being said, she likely hasn’t told them about this kind of thing.

I have been in a bit of a career role since she nearly died of pneumonia 2 years ago. Since then we’ve rarely been intimate. Haven’t done anything more than kiss for about 3 months, which makes seeing photos of her kissing someone else all the more difficult to see.

Her new doctor is looking for a councillor that she thinks will be able to help her & I’ve looked into couples counseling not that long ago but she wasn’t interested in it as we were fighting a lot at the time.

Geoff, i have been drinking far more then normal the past weekend while depressed, which is sadly a patern every time this happens but trying to be better about it & talk to people instead, that’s why i made this post.

Thanks everyone for replying, it’s good to have people to talk to. I don’t really have anyone else.

Bob.

Bob Robert

I am sorry to be reading your story. I feel your partner is taking advantage of you. If she has done these things before and basically got away with it, she has no reason not to do it again. Unfortunately some people can be extremely selfish.

In my situation, my cheating partner told me, I was being selfing when I caught him out. He insisted he gave me 90% of his attention and his affair partner only 10%. Therefore, I had no place insisting on all of his attention. Clearly most people can see this for how ridiculous it is and no way to conduct a relationship.

Ultimately it is up to you what you choose to do. However, it seems she is using you and I feel it will continue. If she want's to stop and you feel there is a chance, perhaps you should seek out some couples counselling. People can change, but not when they refuse to see they are doing anything wrong.

Hi Bob,

If you can both agree to couple's counselling that might help. If you both better understand each other's needs, you might be able to change your relationship around.

Are there things that you like doing yourself, things that will get your mind occupied, something creative perhaps?

Alcohol can seem like the answer when we are not coping with life and issues. For me it is binge eating sometimes! I hope you can find other solutions. Catching up with friends when possible certainly sounds a lot more positive.

Not sure what else to suggest here Bob. Just hope you are able to find a way forward.

Cheers from Dools

Bob Robert
Community Member
So I just interupted their date, still going at 11pm on a work night. She just sat there looking guilty with nothing to say & he couldn’t make eye contact with me. I just asked if she had anything to say for herself, she didn’t, so i just left. Wandering around the streets thinking of what my next step could be. Divorce is all that comes to mind....