Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I’ve gone ahead & done something for myself & booked myself in for weight loss surgery. It’s something I’ve been wanting for a long time & I finally worked up the courage to follow through. My weight is a significant obstacle in my life, but it’s also been my comfort & best friend for a very long time.

I was given the contact details for a counsellor to help with all of the emotional stuff & I contacted him via email, but I never heard back from him. I will find someone to support me after I’ve had the surgery because I know I’m going to need some help.

I’m well aware of how vulnerable I feel when I’m not big, so I know I have to address these issues otherwise I will sabotage the surgery. I want the ability to overeat taken away from me because I haven’t been able to stop it on my own.

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

I'm glad you are taking action for yourself, I think you are being brave, take steps to defeat what has been in control for so long.

It will probably not be that quick a process, as I'm sure you know you will not be magically 'thin' after the operation, but it will allow you to get that way. So you will have time to get adjusted. Plus of course the new methods of eating, the quantities and choice of foods, and maybe even some reactions to the wrong things will keep you pretty occupied for a while.

As far as the psych goes, maybe you ought to be more direct and ring -what do you think?

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I was starting to have doubts about the surgery until I read your reply. The one line where you mentioned, “taking steps to defeat what has been in control for so long” was what I needed to hear.

I need to view this as taking control back of my life. I think that will be the mindset that keeps me going. It’s been such a huge part of my life & had such a negative impact on me, but it did serve a purpose & help me through some of the darkest days of my life.

I’m quite proud that I’ve got out of my comfort zone & joined a gym. I want to treat myself to a day at the hairdressers (I haven’t been for more than a year). It’s small steps, but it’s better than nothing.

Thank you for your support!

B 😊

[Croix]

Dear B~

I'm afraid I know next to nothing about weight-loss surgery other than diet alteration is required afterwards. That being said for you to take such a big step is the great thing. It shows you have reached the stage where the old coping mechanisms no longer have you in their grip and you are recovering.

Going to the gym can be hard, just slogging away, my partner finds the music helps her enjoy her exercise, plus she has made new friends for a coffee afterwards and now quite looks forward to it. She would probably "have words" with me for saying this however the hardest part for her was what others might think in her exercise clothes, however that quickly passed.

I know as much about hair-do's as I do about surgery, but just the attention and coming out feeling stylish will be a lift.

I get the strong impression that "some of the darkest days of my life" are coming to an end.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I officially have a week to go before my surgery. I have lost the weight I was asked to lose (and some) before the surgery takes place. I can honestly say that I don’t dislike myself as much when I look in the mirror anymore.

One thing I have been struggling with is family...shock horror! I got back in touch with my real Dad & met his kids last year for the first time. I hadn’t seen my Dad for over 35 years. I thought I’d hit the jackpot & finally found some family that were loving & accepted me for who I am.

On my last visit to spend time with my Dad, I wasn’t in a great space & only called in to see my Dad & 1 of his kids. When I came home, one of his daughters had messaged my kids to tell them that we can all go to hell & they want nothing more to do with us because I hadn’t bothered to go & visit her.

Things got really heated & I removed them from all social media & just stayed in contact with my Dad. Our relationship has been beautiful, but I have found it difficult to deal with his kids not wanting anything to do with me. I just wanted some family for my kids & myself. Clearly, outside of my own kids & my Dad, family is not really meant to be for me.

M Dad isn’t well & I cherish every phone conversation I have with him. He apologised tonight for not being there when I was younger. That meant more to me than he could possibly understand. To have a parent phone everyday to say, I love you, has been the loveliest thing.

I don’t think I will have him here for much longer, but I am so very great full for this past year with him. I adore him & I have forgiven him for not being around. I just regret that I didn’t make amends earlier.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear B~

I've been struck by how clearly you have seen yourself and the events in your life, and honestly think you are showing both strenght and wisdom. I hope when you look in the mirror now you see that person reflected back.

I wish you well wiht the surgery and am impressed you manage to lose so much weight, no small thing.

Having reunited with your dad before too late is not something everyone is capable of, bitterness, feeling betrayal and resentment can last a lifetime, and for you to accept his behavior, offer and receive love is beautiful. I would be certain you have made as least as much an impression on him as he has on you. Guilt over one's actions in one's youth can be very powerful, and you are soothing that in him.

His kids, well while it might have been nice to have everyone friendly it is probably a bit of hope. It is so easy for children - of any age - to see the love of their parent threatened, and I guess you must seem a threat, particularly as your children are his grandchildren. The fact you did not do the rounds and visit them all on that occasion would only have been an excuse to berate you and try to drive you away. Cutting them out of your social media sounds a very good idea.

I hope you have more time with your dad than you anticipate. Did you introduce your children to him?

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your kind words & ongoing support. It means a lot.

Tomorrow is my final appointment with my surgeon & I have lost 20kgs on my own (I can’t tell you how proud of that I am).

My kids have met my Dad. They did it when they were ready & they all love him. It has been beautiful & far better than I could ever have hoped for. My daughter especially is over the moon.

It is a shame about his kids not wanting me in their lives, but you’re probably right. I can understand why they would feel a bit uneasy about having family show up all these years later. The only thing I couldn’t understand, was that they were the ones that reached out to me. Either way, I just have to accept their decision.

Im starting to get a little nervous about my surgery this week, but I’m sure all will be okay. I’m ready for it anyway.

Again, thank you for your support Croix. You have certainly helped me through some very difficult times.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear B~

You are very welcome, and I'm so impressed with the 20kg, that is a huge amount and will probably make both your operation and your recovery lots easier.

The fact your kids, you and your dad are a loving group is terrific, and would be a real boost for him. As for his kids, you don't realy know what is going on in their lives, while I did suggest insecurity might be a factor there could be tons of other things . Plus people change, it is not over. If they reached out once they could again.

If I don't talk to you in the meantime my very best for your op. Afterwards you can tell me how you manged that 20 kilos, I need to lose some too:)

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hello again!

It’s been a while between updates. I had the op & unfortunately there have been some complications which ended up with me being hospitalised, shortly after being discharged.

What was supposed to be a couple of weeks off work, has turned into a couple of months. I was given a new medication to try last week to help speed up the recovery process & it hasn’t worked either. I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do next as no one seems to really know how to treat it.

On a brighter note, I’m 35 kg lighter. I feel a lot better in myself in that respect. I just need to get my stomach sorted so that I can go back to work. My Mum was actually fantastic & really supportive for the first 5-6 weeks after my op which made life a lot easier.

I started to get really down on myself over the weekend. I think it’s mostly due to being stuck at home a lot & not being able to work. Having extra time to overthink everything isn’t always a good thing.

🌸

[Bear1922]

Dear Bella Donna,

You poor dear - I can see how a lack of validation from your family eclipses the pain from the sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, your experience is the norm. And that's why it's paramount to seek therapy as it is the first safe place that survivors can talk and be validated.

Nat - the initial person to respond to your thread had some excellent advice about different avenues you can receive help from. I can strongly recommend CASA - the Center Against Sexual Assault. They are a great resource and easy to deal with.

I know you opened this thread a long time ago - I hope you are now receiving therapy & relief.

Warm Regards,

🐻