Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Quercus]

Hi Bella Donna and welcome,

I think you are very brave to stick with your family even though they support your abuser! Do you have anyone in your family who listens and accepts what has happened to you? What a painful and toxic situation to be in.

It is a shame that you are struggling to afford therapy because you really do need a safe place to be heard. Have you ever considered a psychiatrist? The initial cost is expensive but once you reach the medicare safety net your sessions are highly discounted. For example for me at the moment a 45 minute session is $150 but in a few months when I hit the saftey net the cost goes down to about $15 a session. You can access your safety net by linking medicare to your mygov account. Or visit a branch (yeah I know!! Bleh!) and ask for advice about the safety net.

The other benefit of a psychiatrist is they can prescribe medications if you find you need help and therapy alone is not helping.

If you have a search around locally a lot of the women's centers run low cost group activities and seminars for people struggling with mental health and abuse issues. My local centre runs a free art therapy class. The benefit is being able to talk to others who understand. To make some friends and to realise that even if your family chooses not to recognise your abuse that doesn't mean it was acceptable! Far from it.

I hope you can keep talking here. There is a section here about PTSD which is heavy reading and potentially triggering but reading the titles may help you find members that can relate to your story and help. If a thread appeals to you feel free to join in.

Welcome to this safe place. Noone is going to belittle your experience here ok.

❤ Nat

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

Thank you & no, I’ve never considered a psychiatrist, but I am open to anything. I don’t actually speak to my family anymore, but I do receive occasional messages from my Mum that are quite upsetting. It’s hard to avoid her totally though as we live in the same suburb & she still has some contact with my kids.

My Mum has always had quite severe mental health, but she’s never been treated properly for it. She was very volatile when I was growing up & I was always anxious whenever she was around.

The night her husband started molesting me was the day that my life changed forever. I was in primary school & it continued until I was 14. I can’t remember every time that it happened. I do think the lack of validation from my family has been harder to deal with than the abuse.

I have wanted to give up many times. I have felt “bad” my entire life & I know it wasn’t my fault, but no one else in my family did. I have allowed it to control my life & it’s got to the stage where I work & then basically try to shut off from the world as soon as I get home. I’m not living.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. It’s the first time I’ve discussed it openly in quite a long time.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

I'd like to join Nat in welcoming you here, it is a safe place where people have experiences that let them understand. I don't know all the steps you have taken of course but Nat's suggestions are practical and spot on. Although my situation is different I've found psychiatrists have helped enormously.

I'll add the suggestion that if you have not already talked to organizations that deal with Complex PTSD, then doing so may open up other avenues of support. Our own 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 can steer you towards the most appropriate ones (you can on-line chat using the link at the top of the page if you do not want to talk).

It may sound daunting to talk about your situation to such others, however they are well used to it and can be a comfort, not a hassle.

As you know feeling 'bad' is a wholly unjustifiable reaction. The mind simply goes down the wrong path, something just about everyone gets to know. Sadly you suffer for the inhuman behavior of others, not only of the perpetrator, but the betrayal by your mother who would not face facts.I can see the effect that would have, my own situation with my parents ended up showing me what they were really like. The love I'd hoped for was never there.

You mentioned you had kids, do you mind if I ask about your home? The way you talked in your original post it seemed like it might be a safer and less stressful place.

Your words do show strength, a realistic idea of things and the need to have a proper life, to rise above the horrible acts of others. You deserve a good life, even talking here may help - I very much hope it does.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi Bella Donna, welcome

I cant add to my friends comments, superb advice.

People, family, friends, society, all have expectations of us yet none walk in our shoes do they?. Nobody can walk in your shoes but we hope that family can at least try. We with depression and bipolar get that, we know what its like for the majority to not even try to walk a few steps in our shoes. So we are alone. Or, we can join where birds are a feather like hear and be with those that can relate and/or been through a similar experience.

We had a new members about 2 years ago here that was in the same situation, step dad or uncle was the guilty one and at the many events over the year he would be there and no one wanted to talk about it but worse still was their insistence that she be friendly towards him. I'm still outraged over their attitude.

So, we in life have choices. Those choices aren't clearly apparent to us because of those expectations. you can choose to place a wall between you and the others. You have already started to and this could be a positive move not a negative one that you think it is.

By placing an imaginary wall up you allow contact with others under YOUR conditions not theirs. For example if there is family gatherings that include that man don't go. Simple eh?. Well it is hard because you will get pressure on you as to why. You can choose to tell them and if they continue the ranting then you limit your contact with them- done! The gate to the wall is in your control, no one elses. This gate opens and closes at your will.

Bein secured inside your fortress you can welcome good kind and soft hearted people into your village. You can control comments by text by replying "if you are not going to be nice to me and at least try to understand then please leave me alone...thankyou" or similar.

There is a saying "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations".

Please google this

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

On behalf of all good men that would never harm a child nor abuse them I apologise we could not be there for you and protect you. You are a beautiful loving and caring person that needs to take some steps towards protecting yourself and flourishing in your future. You can do this, you can overcome....and you can be...you.

tony WK

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

I have never before had anyone mention PTSD to me for my particular journey, but it makes sense. I did go to a psychologist 12 months ago & it was only when I spoke about my childhood during those sessions, that I actually realised just how dysfunctional it was. Unfortunately that particular psych was pregnant & as soon as she went on maternity leave, I stopped going. It had taken me 20 years to open up again about my childhood & I didn’t feel like telling my story to another stranger.

I do have kids & I’ve made every conscious effort to give them what I didn’t have. They know they’re loved & they are my world. My youngest is nearly finished high school & I have 2 adult sons. My sons were told 12 months ago about my reasons for not ever letting them stay at my Mum’s house & they’ve both handled it well & they know they can talk to me about it. My Mum never showed any remorse about what happened to me & was always very controlling, but I would not back down to the boundaries I had in place to protect my kids.

I am just wanting to learn how to move past all of this & hopefully one day feel free & happy. I’ve carried all the guilt & shame around my entire adult life. I had no idea I had anxiety until I found a good GP & she discussed it with me.

❤️

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your kind words. My relationship with my family is definitely unusual. I don’t actually get invited to any family gatherings - which is fine with me. My step father is the perpetrator & he will avoid me at all costs & if he ever sees me out in public, he takes off in the other direction. I never approach him & have not spoken to him in over 20years. Little does he know that when I see him I freeze & can't speak.

I always wanted my mother’s love & support & it has been very difficult over the years to accept that I’ll never get that from her. What happened to me is never discussed with my Mum, I just have to go along like it never happened. The shame associated with that has been hard to deal with at times.

I do like your advice about letting in kind, soft hearted people into your life. I have unfortunately retreated into my own shell quite a bit, and that’s something that I do want to work on. I miss going out with friends. I just need to learn how to move forward & let go of the things I can’t change.

The hardest thing for me right now will be reaching out to a professional and asking for help. I will do it, but I’m not looking forward to telling my story to a stranger face to face again. It’s not easy.

Thanks again for your support.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

There were a couple of things I thought of when reading your post.

The first is it looks like we both took the same tactic and tried as hard as we could not to be like our parents. Like you I give love and understanding and try very hard not to be judgmental and stand-offish. My partner, who had the 'pleasure' of meeting my mother was amazed we were in any way related - I was quite please at that. Maybe it was a mix up in the maternity hospital:)

Anyway your words "not looking forward to telling my story to a stranger face to face again" struck a chord. I've been in the situation where I've had no faith I'd get everything straight, or even not chicken out over some bits, so I've written everything down first and then simply handed over the paper in a long consultation. Its worked well with both me and the doctor pleased. If writing it all out is too daunting why not print out your posts?

Croix

[Quercus]

Hello again Bella Donna,

(I'm really happy to see you've met Croix and Tony too).

I found it really hard to reply today without being rude to your Mum. It stunned and horrified me to think of you having to pass that monster in town and to know she stands by him. Betrayal was very polite of Croix to say. My gut reaction was not so kind.

Have you ever considered moving? I suppose it would be hard to change your kid's routine but does it help you to live near them?

It must really hurt to want your Mum's love and support even now. You've been very kind in my opinion even allowing contact with your kids after the abuse being ignored.

Do you have much in the way of a support network? Friends you can rely on? I like Croix's idea of printing your posts. Dot points help too (they did for me anyway). Is there any way you can ask for your records from your previous psych? It might help the new one to read these too and what was tried in the way of treatment.

I'm glad you have kept writing. What you've experienced is absolutely horrible and you deserved a lot more help and support than what you got as a child. I hope speaking up about the abuse at last is helping you.

Please take good care of yourself.

❤Nat

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

Writing it all down could be quite cathartic & a lot less stressful for me when meeting a new psych.

I tried to be the polar opposite of my Mum. I have made sure that my kids know that I love them & that no one comes before them. I swore I would never have a step father for my kids & I’ve been single ever since their father & I separated. There probably could have been a lovely guy out there for me, but I never wanted my kids to experience in their home what I did in mine.

I was a very naive little girl, even though I grew up in a shitty environment. I still saw the good in everyone until the day my whole world changed. I remember repeatedly telling my step father how glad I was to have him around, because all I ever wanted was a Dad. Not long after this, the abuse started. That’s something that hurts me to this day. He took full advantage & looking back, I can see how I was groomed & he knew my Mum didn’t care for me very much so he could get away with anything.

Thanks for your advice.

❤️