Damaged

[LonsyBoy]

Hey everyone I’m new and feeling im in a bad way and going down a bad path. I was severely injured on deployment and been going through spinal surgeries and severe pain. My partner and step kids of 4yrs have left and I’m alone in a house where I’m barely eating, I feel paranoid to sleep so I keep weapons in the bed which leads to insomnia at night but I sleep during the day time. I have troubles showering but I do use a lot of wet wipes and deodorant and perfumes. I’ve been doing a lot of reckless driving when I do leave the house which is rare (always in areas no one is around or late at night) bigger the turbo, bigger the smoke clouds 😞 I know it’s wrong and I’d never hurt another road user.
I have small dogs which I over feed lately because I stress about them. I’ve had attempts in the past and arrested but lying to the hospital to get out is super easy and even been admitted 3 times to a Clinic for mental health but again I lie to get out.

ever since my partner has left I’ve been deteriorating more and more and I just keep having bad thoughts to stop the anxiety and paranoia

[ErinB]

I'm sorry you're experiencing anxiety and paranoia. It's really good that you're managing to use wet wipes to keep up your hygiene even if you're unable to shower at this point. It's a small step and these small steps are what we can rely on in times like these. Do you know why you lie to get out of hospital? I know it's not the most wonderful experience but perhaps you could try staying and getting the help you need?

[LonsyBoy]

I think it was originally because I had a family at home so I wanted to get back to them, but now I’m alone 😞 I just blame myself for everything that’s happened including being injured whilst away from Australia. I know what happened on deployment was unavoidable but I wish it never happened. It’s destroyed my career and my life

[Croix]

Dear LonsyBoy~

To be blunt, yes you are damaged as you say, and I'm not talking about your back. I'm an ex-policeman and too have kept weapons to hand, being impossible to live with and not been straightforward when talking with anyone, plus being suicidal too of course. Was invalided out, so ended up with nothing - or so it seemed - like you feel

That is not me now, loved and loving, supported and supporting, with accomplishment, interest and enjoyment -yes these are not just idle encouraging words, but simple facts.

I like your over-fed dogs and the reason why they might be gettng porky - you care. That might seem small to you but is a big thing. Looking back on myself care of any sort shows the damage is not complete.

Lots of self destructive behavior of course, the driving, the not eating, misleading the medics. I had to find someone I trusted and it went from there. Fortunately there was one particular psychiatrist. Thanks to him I ended up in hospital and eventually things started to improve.

I can't say it is a pleasant experience but you get better looked after physically, plus in my case had a psych nurse that encouraged me to escape into kid's fantasy (fantasy is still an escape today).

The biggie is of course guilt, that I blamed myself, saw myself as a failure and had no hope.

I'm not going to be able to give you a roadmap to 'wellness', but would talk with you if you would like that.

Croix

It is very difficult ot get out of this state

[LonsyBoy]

My dads a cop too and he’s looking pretty rough these days, he’s done 30yrs in the blues though. He’s always been my biggest inspiration to things but even now I feel like I’m not where I think he would have been proud for me to be, I could have still been deployed, promoted again and more medals but now I’m 70% disabled and spend my days going from bed to my lounge and it’s just disappointing to hear and see about so I get that let down feeling too.

[Croix]

Dear LonsyBoys~

Police work is not the same as armed forces deployment, different dangers, different problems, and I've my own theory (it is JUST mine) that the types of PTSD one gets in the two different vocations are not the same.

Please don't think the two lives are equivalent, comparing you and you dad is apples and orange. Both a whole way of life but not the same.

I was told I'd never work at anything again (T.P.I.) but I've managed to lead a responsible and fulfilling life in an area I'd never ever dreamed of, education. So you are not a write off, and even that 70% has in it self-knowledge and wisdom.

So what does you dad say? Does he expect more than you were able to give? Somehow I doubt it but could be wrong I guess.

It often comes down to small victories, and you only get those when you stop falling in the trap of judging yourself by normal standards, which is plain silly and sets you up for failure and all that goes with it. I was good at doing that before I learned better (which took years)

Bed to couch is no failure. Maybe in time bed to shower to couch might be a bigger victory.

May I ask what you do with your time at the moment?

Croix

[LonsyBoy]

Oh very different indeed, we don’t deal with public crap daily lol we just do small stints of trauma duty (if any on certain ops) it’s only cause at my age he seemed to have life nailed and was in a good spot in life and here I am with basically nothing but a list of injuries and issues. More of a I’m a burden on the family rather than a proud accomplishment 😞

at the moment, I wake up from barely sleeping at night, bed at 12pm up at 9am-10am then I take my medications, toilet, grab a drink and sit down on the lounge and recline out to help ease the pain again. I’ll jump back into my bed at 2pm and sleep until 6-7pm then organise dinner. Back to bed at 12pm. The nightmares and paranoia wake me up every 1.5-2hrs and takes about 30mins to relax and drop off again. I keep Netflix rolling during the night with cartoons

[Croix]

Dear LonsyBoy~

Hmm, comparing yourself to either others (dids included), or preconceived ideas of how things should be is a non-productive task in the PTSD environment, let alone with back injuries added.

I too have a spinal problem, though that is a degenerative condition, not caused by trauma. So I do not do a lot of things I think I ought. one example of many being not bringing in the wood for the fire, my wife has to do that.

I try to make up for it in other ways though I'll admit it is unequal balance at the moment. With my late wife, the one that had to deal with my invalidity and mental issues, I spent 9 months supporting her in hospital before she died. Life sometimes gives one the chance to make good.

Her life was not good when I was in poor shape, taught me how strong and loving others can be (I must admit to chauvinistic tendencies prior to that)

So what do you do about the nightmares? I found that a specific medication helped (it's not for everyone though) and keeping a journal on wake-up and rereading it later somehow diminished their effectiveness, they seemed smaller and more nonsensical. Not a complete remedy but something.

I've even been to the stage when asleep thinking to myself 'here we go with this one again'. Provides a tiny measure of detachment.

I'm interested in knowing what you like, if you prepare dinner then cooking perhaps? Manga, spider man spinoff sequels, poetry? Did you have an interest before the forces?

Croix