My injuries can't be seen when you look at me but they cut deep to my
core. My confidence and expertise in the workplace are appreciated and
applauded, I laugh and chat like nothing gets to me or stresses me. On
the outside I have it all. Of course I...
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My injuries can't be seen when you look at me but they cut deep to my
core. My confidence and expertise in the workplace are appreciated and
applauded, I laugh and chat like nothing gets to me or stresses me. On
the outside I have it all. Of course I have the normal disruptions and
setbacks of everyday life, but only two people closest to me know the
truth. I live each day in fear that he will snap and come after me. I
constantly look for him everywhere I go. Leaving the relationship was
relatively non eventful (mainly because he thought I would come back
AGAIN), but the non contact and extracting him from my life is the most
difficult thing I've endured. He has not let go, he won't let go and has
harrassed, stalked and attempted all ways to manipulate and coerce me
into submission and return to his secret world of abuse. He has been
relentless and comprehensive, demanding one day to remorseful the next.
Endless voicemails, text messages, emails and visits to my workplace. It
didn't matter if I blocked his number, he would call or message from
another persons phone. He has threatened suicide if I did not do as he
asked and talk to him, a guilt he knew I could not live with. This time
I am not giving in, I'm stronger and have finally realised I deserve
better. I deserve respect. I deserve peace. This was not love, this was
manipulation in it's extreme. It's hard to talk about the daily grind of
navigating this life. It's hard to know who you can trust with your
experiences because you now second guess everyone's intentions and
trust. It's lonely and it's scary. The control was extreme. I was not
permitted to say "No" to him, I was not permitted to have my own
opinion. I was not permitted to have friendships he didn't approve of. I
was his servant. If I did make a mistake or displease him there would be
consequences always. He showed love by giving me gifts and holidays but
there was always a payoff or repayment of some sort. His "LOVE" was
always conditional. Would love to hear from those who have experienced
this type of abuse. Sharing experiences might help us realise we are not
crazy and we are not to blame. Hoping there are people out there willing
to chat. One day at a time, moving forward and never looking back no
matter how difficult the day is or how much the fear invades my mind.
I'm determined this time I will find my way back to me and not have to
live in fear anymore.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
