I am scared for my friend

[Parsnip]

So a few months ago I met my best friend's boyfriend. He's great and super sweet. they're great for each other and the three of us are going to be moving into a house together, (planned for July but now with the pandemic probably next year). My best friend lives in student housing and hates sharing her room so stays with her boyfriend a lot. Slowly she started telling me a few things about him and his family. He has anxiety and depression. He used to burn his arms with cigarettes and i've seen his scars. He's also tried to kill himself. He lives with his dad and older sister. He makes out that his dad is pretty good and not as bad as his mum but i met his dad and he's really mean to him. always putting him down and making him feel awful. His sister is even worse. Iv'e always known that I didn't know the whole picture and that there was stuff that they weren't telling me and I knew that it was none of my business. But just tonight my best friend told me something really awful. He told her this pretty recently and said that he trusts me to know. His older sister used to repeatedly molest him for years. he still lives in the same house as her! Until now he couldn't afford to move out. He once told his dad while they were fighting then he ran away for a few days and when he came back it was never mentioned again. I just hate that he's living in that house and can't do anything about it. I'm having trouble processing it and don't really know what to do with this situation. I'm just scared for him.

[Croix]

Dear Parsnip~

Welcome here, I'm glad you came and your post tells a story of three people that need support, not just one.

The boyfriend seems to need two things at least, a chance to live outside that toxic household, and proper psychiatric care, the only bright spot being the support he gets from his girlfriend, and the trust he places in her -and you.

His girlfriend, your best freind, is under enormous stress too. To see someone you love in that situation, self-harming, possibly suicidal and seemingly stuck, is frightening and bewildering, and frustrating too as one can feel so powerless.

You too are in a highly anxious position, with the care of both these people deeply troubling you.

I guess ideally each of you should seek outside professional help, with the boyfriend having the most immediate need (becuse of the self-harm and previous attempt to kill himself that means as soon as possible).

If you are all under 25 the I'd suggest the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) -if any of you do not like talking on the phone then they do have chat and email for their councilors. They are used to these situations and can give good and caring assistance -you can talk more than just the one time.

It may well be they will suggest another resource your friend or her boyfriend may prefer to contact directly - 1800Respect - 1800 737 732, who are specifically set up to deal with abuse and may well have practical suggestions to enable the boyfriend to move away.

All these are sightly longer term options, I think it is important for the boyfriend to have things to help if he becomes overwhelmed and is afraid of self-harming or killing himself. The very best service I can personally recommend is the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) - who also have email and chat. If they are busy then Lifeline on 13 11 14 (email and chat too)

The boyfriend should have a safety plan, however I'm not going to go into details this minute. If you want to read up then look here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

This provides the right tools.

You may wonder why I have placed so much emphasis on outside contacts and help, frankly it is necessary. Trying to deal with all this yourselves is not really possible. The boyfriend's best chance of a happy later life does depend on these things now. As someone who has been suicidal I know the importance of competent help.

Please come back and talk some more

Croix

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I won’t in essence repeat Criox’s post of major concerns.

One of my less important concerns is your role in this couples life and future living arrangements.

In my experience living with other couples can become sour simply because of a couples needs like their time alone etc. It’s great you have been trusted into this mans inner issues and family problems and it does seem you have a big heart in wanting to help out, but, your role here is shaky in my view. There is a fine line in helping someone in need and getting too involved. Perhaps being your girlfriends supporter when she asks for it is good but I myself have fallen into the trap of trying to fix things and that comes at a cost.

A good example of this is the fact he is still living in that toxic household. One would think he would have found shared accommodation elsewhere by now. All I’m saying here in a nutshell is he could do with guidence, friendship etc but not “rescuing”. Such is that fine line.

If it was me I’d allow your friends to live together by themselves. I wouldn’t risk such great relationships by moving in with them.

I hope that helps and I don’t mean to offend as you have a kind soul

TonyWK