Childhood trauma impacting as adult

[Jaih]

Hello...
How do you even start? How do you possible write about your trauma when you cant even think about it properly? I was abused as a child. By someone close to me. It took me 3 years to tell someone. I was embarrassed. How do you talk about that? I told my mother. She didn't help me. I told my aunt. She didn't help me. I told my dad. He didn't help me. My adolescent years were difficult. My mum describes me as being nasty during those times. I didn't care at the time. Why would I? No one cared about me.. nothing happened after I told the people who were supposed to protect me. Years later here I am. Horrible anxiety, fears, manic depression, bad eatting habbits.. all because of those times. I'm tired. I'm tired all the time. I am happy, I have many things to love but have sadness. When does it go away? I used to smoke but I quit. I always think about smoking. I used to drink but I don't anymore. I want to drink all the time. Sometimes I cry. Not for any reasons.. well I mean there is reasons but I'm usually okay in the moment. Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I don't want anyone near me. I have to be alone because talking is to hard. I cannot stand loud noise. I would rather watch the TV with subtitles because the sound is too much. I can't talk to more than 3 people at once. It's too much. My job is hard. I work for Child Protection. I have to protect the children. It's how I give back what was taken from me. How long does this last? When does it feel okay? I don't love myself. I'm discusgting. I don't have any will power. I lose it after I try something once and then it's to hard. Self care? What's that...

[Croix]

Dear Jaih~

I read your story with increasing sadness, life has handed you a very hard time, abuse and betrayal and isolation.

You asked what is self care? I guess the answer for me (I had a different cause than you) was to finally realise I could not expect myself to carry everything alone. I suspect the same is true of you.

I had a loving wife and family and a good job - that made me ill, suicidal in fact. In time with competent medical help plus family support that changed and I am now in a good life, with self esteem, accomplishment, giving and receiving love and support. I still am under treatment, but that's OK.

I can understand exactly wanting no noise, being unable to deal with many people at once, the tightness that makes breathing difficult - and the crying that hurts and seems for no reason.

I think you have done a magnificent job. You have shown strength all along, dealing with three betrayals after the original abuse, using your experience to give back, even quitting smoking and drink -really amazing.

You do not mention treatment.

You are not an inexhaustible well of strenght, and do -like I did - need competent and skilled professional help. There is no shame in being injured by others - which is exactly what has happened, and if you cannot talk about it or even think about it just print out your post above and hand it over to a GP in an extended consultation and ask for help.

Say what your life is like now. It can be so much better, most probably not that quickly, but in time, like me. You can start therewith the GP, or perhaps with a specific organization such as the blue knot foundation (partners with the government)

www.blueknot.org.au or 1300 657 380 9-5 daily.

If either of these paths do not help then continue, as you would for any child under your care at work. You need to find the right place, and unlike when you were young, you are a capable adult equal to that task.

May I ask if you are alone, or have family, and is there anyone there to comfort and support you -to lean on? Isolation simply makes it worse. You do not have to explain all, just say you are in need.

I've talked a lot, now I really would like to hear from you

Croix

[Bluekimba]

Hun are u sure you are ready to take on a job like that atthis point im your life.I feel you have a lot more feeling to do.I would hate to think that some of these jobs bring you memories of your past.Please look after yourself.I know how you feel im 42 and still havent recovered from my childhood truma.Be kind to yourself .xx

[PamelaR]

Hi Jaih and welcome to our forums

Croix has given you a lovely warm response. Bluekimba (hi there) has also offered some very good thoughts.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, in my late 60s. The impact of what happened as a child is always there, sometimes worse than others. The big thing for me is, I had selected amnesia about it. It only hit me when I was in my 50s. It explained my behaviours during my 20s and 30s - smoking, drinking etc. Since my memory returned it's been a rocky road of recovery. During that time I had a breakdown and have visited psychologists for many many years. Each one has given me tools to help me through my experience and memories. One thing I have learnt is - the memories, pain, feelings and thoughts are there, it is how I chose to respond. The tools help me to manage things as they arise. In addition, I am on medication.

Bluekimba has a point about your job and how it might impact on you. I tend to agree on one hand, as it will bring back memories. On the other hand, it may also help to see that children are being believed and that being kept safe. This must be rewarding for you.

Croix also has a point about what treatment. Are you seeing anyone about your mental health?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Bear1922]

Dear Jaih,

I hear someone talking who has tremendous strength & character. That your job gives back to children what you never had - validation says volumes about who you are.

I know you feel susceptible and like a lost cause - You're not.

You are a precious soul deserving of self-love.

I hear strength and courage in your words.

I am wishing you all that you desire.

🐻