Dear Bella Donna~
Look I agree, the longer you go without risking change the harder it gets and the more temptation to just keep going. Now I'm afraid that does not seem altogether the best idea, as you say yourself "I’ve slowly been falling back down that hole where you feel like there’s just no point"
So maybe you might consider adopting the plan you had before, write everything down and get appointments with a therapist. There really is no shame or anything embarrassing any more than if you had malaria!
It is another illness, and needs medical attention. Therapists are well aware how reluctant and vulnerable people are in your position.
As for the possibility of sharing a life with another, OK you don't think you deserve happiness. Not only is this silly and just plain wrong, but you have left out another factor.
People -including you -grow. If for arguments sake (and I'm not talking about you, more about me) one did not treat one's spouse as well as one might, the second time around one can have learned from that and be a better partner.
For example now I never say anything too hurtful or which cannot be taken back no matter how tense an argument (took a bit of effort:)
So what do you think of more medical support? Did the last time help?
Croix
