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Sophie_M If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Aus... View more

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Australia and we extend our heartfelt condolences to the individuals and families affected by this tragedy. We wanted to create a space where you can share whatever you’re feeling - whether that’s fear, shock, grief, or anything else that has come up for you. If you need support from others in the community, please feel welcome to post here. Violence and acts of terror can bring feelings of shock, grief, profound sadness, anger and fear. It’s normal to experience these emotions while trying to make sense of distressing events. It may take time for these feelings to ease, but it’s never too early to seek support if you are feeling distressed. Beyond Blue is here for you anytime, by phone on 1300 224 636 or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor You can also support those around you by being available to them and listening. Thank you for being such an important part of this community, and for the kindness, honesty, and wisdom you continue to share with each other. We remind the community that Beyond Blue is here for all people in Australia, no matter what you believe, how you live or who you worship. Kind regards Sophie M

A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Soberlicious96 Domestic Violence and fires
  • replies: 2

So thismorning the Police turned up knocking on my neighbours door, for the umpteenth time this week, due to domestic violence and abuse. And there is a LOT of alcohol being drunk too. The woman, I think, is the main drinker and the main offender. Th... View more

So thismorning the Police turned up knocking on my neighbours door, for the umpteenth time this week, due to domestic violence and abuse. And there is a LOT of alcohol being drunk too. The woman, I think, is the main drinker and the main offender. There is an adult male and two children, I think in their early teens. My neighbours door, by the way, is only about 15 feet away from my door, as I live in a block of units. And all the fighting and stuff takes place pretty much at my door, about 10 feet from my bedroom window. Last night, as well as the DV incident that took place before Christmas, both started at around 11:30pm. Last week, just before Christmas I had called triple zero twice in about 10 minutes due to a major incident happening. I could hear children crying and begging someone to stop doing what they were doing, and adults yelling absolute obscenities at the kids and each other. It was so awful, and I was still shaking the next morning. Anyway, back to today, and as I was walking out to check my letterbox for a parcel I’m expecting, the Police were walking up to the neighbours door so I said to them “Can I please give you some information to pass onto them?” And they said yeah sure. So I went back inside, and grabbed an AA flyer – the 12 question one that is headed with ‘Is AA for you?’, an Al-anon bookmark size flyer, and 2 printouts for rehabs. Both rehabs, mind you, are an hour and a half away, in opposite directions and there is no rehab here in town. Which is crazy because this town where I live is, in my opinion DESPERATE and WELL QUALIFIED for a D&A rehab. Anyway, so that’s been my morning and week. I am so, so, SO glad I got sober. SO glad. I NEVER EVER want to go back to drinking. Ever. Oh, and by the way, it feels like pretty much the whole damn country has wildfires. Not doing great with that either, being a wildfire survivor. Got some PTSD stuff happening and flashbacks and stuff. Not such a great week here. I'll be okay though. It could be worse. And for a lot of people right now, it IS far worse for them than it is for me. I do hope the police pass on the AA and rehab info to my neighbours. I think these people need all the help they can get.

inthenight It feels like it has been so long, why is my trauma still impacting me so much?
  • replies: 1

I'm new here, and I'm not sure where the start, so I guess I will just write what comes to mind, unfiltered. More than 10 years ago I was raped, by a friend I knew and trusted. I reported the incident to police, however, no charges were ever made, I ... View more

I'm new here, and I'm not sure where the start, so I guess I will just write what comes to mind, unfiltered. More than 10 years ago I was raped, by a friend I knew and trusted. I reported the incident to police, however, no charges were ever made, I attended counseling early on, but I know now that I was not willing or ready to work through what I had experienced. My partner at the time was sympathetic, but not supportive and my coping mechanism was to bottle things up and ignore feelings. In the years following my rape, I experienced many symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I made life decisions perhaps in response to these symptoms, and it feels like the trauma completely tipped my life off balance. Fast forward ten years, the sympathetic partner I had when the rape occurred is still in my life, we were married, had two children and separated in less than amicable circumstances at the beginning of this year. I have since met a new partner, and things with him have been amazing. However, when I entered into a new sexual relationship it seems the trauma resurfaced. I began having terrible nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks and a general feeling of unrest. I sought counseling and was open and honest with my new partner about my past. He has been supportive and asks what he can do to make things better. As the relationship becomes more serious, and the feelings become stronger I have so much fear. I am still having nightmares on a very consistent basis and the last two nights, the person depicted in the nightmare hurting me is my new partner. I feel as if I am constantly trying to make sense of what is going on in my brain and where these thoughts are originating, what are they revealing to me, or what am I feeling deep down. But it is a maddening loop. I am finding it very difficult to open up to this new partner and tell him what I am thinking, or what I need because I can't make sense of it myself. At the root, I feel it may be some very deep seeded trust issues. I just wish someone could tell me what is going on in my mind, that I am not losing it, and how to make it better. I feel exhausted.

MushyMe I am old now. and i just dont know where to write this
  • replies: 3

Gosh there is so much to talk about and i just wish to put it all in words It started wehn my sister and i where 6 and 5 respectively. One day mom and dad sat us down to explain we will have a new mommy soon. We were kids and too this day i do not kn... View more

Gosh there is so much to talk about and i just wish to put it all in words It started wehn my sister and i where 6 and 5 respectively. One day mom and dad sat us down to explain we will have a new mommy soon. We were kids and too this day i do not know the reason for it. i was just sad that mommy was goping away, early that morning mom woke us and we fled states, too live with gradma. i had started school by then, but i was always upset after that, i failed to make any friends in the new place, and just fell behind in school. I never cuaght up. Im sure there was legal battles over custady right, and some time in grate 6 or 7 i spent a year living with dad, his new wife and her three kids. This was my year of hell. My step mom just did not plain like me, i never understood at the time, but now i believe that she saw me as some kind of threat too her own security. And she started forbidding me to return home after school, without my father, So at abotu 10 years of age (i think) i would wait around the ferry pier for my dad to return from accoss the harbour at about 6-7pm each night so i could go home That essentially left me roaming the streets, alone, and very sad. for 3-4 hours every afternoon. It so happened i chanced on a man, who was very kind too me, he would talk too me, play chess with me, and buy me icecreams. But he also did other things too me, things that a child should not experience. And i just, dreading it, went along with it, let him do what he wanted cuase he paid attention too me, and bought me icecreams I tried to tell Dad, a few times, not about the man, he was my friend. that my step mother never let me come home after school. They would have fights, i could hear it, and her kids would call me a "home wrecker". But Dad just casually passed it off too me as "i thought you just liked greeting me". So im old now, and ive never talked about this, ive never moved on with my life, its been wasted. I dont have a girlffriend, ive had difficulty keeping a job, and have had long gaps of upto a decade between jobs in my past. Every day is a battle with depression, anxiety and possibly PSTD. Ive seen so many phychologists, even a pychiatic doctor. I just couldnt bring myself to share with anyone any of my history. So after a time, it was all considered "not much concern", and a case generally feeling downtrodden. That is my fualt, i never opened up. I just dont know how too, in person

User23 Living in fear
  • replies: 3

Hello, Just over a year ago now my partner of almost 8 years just left said he wanted a break, didn't want to be with me anymore. This broke my heart. All I kepy thinking in my head was what I did wrong, how can I fix this, I would have did anything ... View more

Hello, Just over a year ago now my partner of almost 8 years just left said he wanted a break, didn't want to be with me anymore. This broke my heart. All I kepy thinking in my head was what I did wrong, how can I fix this, I would have did anything for him. Not long after he left I found out he had been cheating and dating someone while he was still woth me. He left to be with her. What makes things worse is while all this was going on I found out I was pregnant. To be honest I wasn't happy. I felt like I couldn't be. I was scared and he couldn't care less. I had no idea what it was like living on my own again let alone doing it all while pregnant. Not long after this his new girlfriend got pregnant also. When I say I died inside I truly did. All I ever wanted was to be withis person for the rest of my life and have this wonderful family with him yet he meets this girl and does it all within a few months of dating her. Was I not good enough, did I waste 8 years of my life caring about someone who could so easily forget about me and everything we did together. To make things worse again his new girlfriend was sending me horrible messages pretending to be him saying he never wanted to have kids with me, he never loved me and I am a joke. She goes out of her way to text me and look through his phone to make sure I am not texting him even if it is just to ask if he wants to spend time with me and his son at the park. This texting business only stopped a few weeks ago after she was mocking me for being depressed when he left. She even blamed be for his depression saying I am the reason he always feels like crap. I can't believe he sticks up for her every time. I let him come and see his son every day. I have got him fathers day presents, made him gifts from his son and invited him to so many outings so he can spend time with his son but it is never enough. He threatened me today with going to court. It isn't the first time. I have panic attacks when I go into town I get so worried I am going to see them together with their baby and it just takes me back to this really depressing place where I question myself why am I not good enough to have my own family. Why does my son have to live in this broken home. He told me to grow up and get over and what he did in the past. Believe me I tried but it hurt so deeply I don't think I ever will. It hurts me almost everyday I always see something that reminds me of those bad times and my day is ruined.

NPD_Survivor Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like.
  • replies: 5

Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like & all i can say is that im so very grateful they dont! I endured 12 long yrs with this person who did not love or respect me in any way shape or form & the trauma from the daily ... View more

Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like & all i can say is that im so very grateful they dont! I endured 12 long yrs with this person who did not love or respect me in any way shape or form & the trauma from the daily occurrences has given me severe PTSD type symptoms, i now have regular panic attacks with the thought of him coming through the front door so i hide in my room as when the feeling comes over me i have to lay down as ive been close to passing out at times. The straw that broke the camels back was when he announanced & laughed infront of me to a friend, that in his eyes i resembled a 414lb woman (i gained 10kgs after loosing my young mother to a brain aneurysm so gained a dress size or 2 due to depression) i couldnt take it anymore, he made my skin crawl with his personality traits, the list of things that made me question my sanity of why i was with a person like that is so long & involved that i cant possibly write it all down. As i write this i am waiting for him to arrive home to pack his items up as hes moving out, i feel like ive escaped the 12 year prison of unhappiness i was in & immediately entered another prison! Most people have said to me that i should be happy with him moving out, well of course i am but im left completely on my own with ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF LOOKING AFTER MYSELF....I WASENT ALLOWED TO WORK.....So i cant find a job as i have NO EXPERIENCE, NO SKILLS AND NO QUALIFICATIONS & on top of that im turning 40 this year so they wont consider me due to my age so im terrified & dont know who to turn too! Ive also never been allowed to have any control with finances, or make any decisions in the last 12 years. I feel so completely overwhelmed. Ive also gone from him earning a very lage amount of money each week (3 to 4 times higher than the average wage) to being drip fed the tiniest amount each week to live on until i find myself a job which is extremely difficult when i cant apply to 98% of jobs so im in panic mode right now with 2 kids to support. I honestly wish i could just crawl into a hole right now, ive well & truely lost myself! I can tell you all the things IM NOT as for years it was drummed into me all the things i was not, but i cant tell you all the things that I AM as ive lost that part of me & i feel so very sad about that, i use to be a happy confident, self assured person.....IM NOT ANYMORE.

lantern22 My husband's severe betrayal and the workplace that knew..has left me with PTSD
  • replies: 2

I was married to my best friend. I adored my husband - loved him immensely I thought he was a man of integrity, and for nearly 19 years thought he went to work in an environment where he was appreciated and respected. I also thought his work colleagu... View more

I was married to my best friend. I adored my husband - loved him immensely I thought he was a man of integrity, and for nearly 19 years thought he went to work in an environment where he was appreciated and respected. I also thought his work colleagues respected him because he was married and, I assumed he spoke highly of me as his wife. I was severely deceived and betrayed and had no idea. I was caring for my mother for some years. She suffered from severe anxiety, AMD and dementia. I also have some chronic auto-immune health issues. She died in October 2015. My husband, I thought adored and loved her. But after she died, he left me suddenly, five months after her passing. I had NO idea. Suddenly, this monster emerged, a man I had loved and respected. I found out later that I was the 'joke'of the workplace and he planned to leave me by cheating on me with another woman in another country and planning on exist when I was deeply grieving my mother. I had absolutely no idea all this planning and deception was going on behind my back, while I was busy planning a funeral and grieving my mother. I was also mentally and physically exhausted after many years of caregiving. My husband was well respected by friends, my family and our church community for over 20 years. He abandoned me and I discovered later that his work colleagues knew what he was planning and were supporting him. I am not sure if they knew my mother had died or not I assume they did as he took time off work for her funeral. I was the 'joke' and the joke was on me. I have suffered with severe PTSD since. My husband divorced me, I lost my home, my dignity and now live with confusion wondering who this man is and what part of my life was real with him.. I have little or no support. I have pondered..should I contact my husband's place of employment and tell them what he has done and what others had done in helping planning this horrid joke and that they had done this on a woman who just lost her mother and was in deep emotional and physical pain and exhaustion. I know, it's nearly been four years but I feel as though it may help relieve the PTSD. I don't want them to let my ex-husband know though. Or, do I need to let this go, not say anything and try and heal of this PTSD myself?

Goldenribbon Ageing women value
  • replies: 14

I’m hoping I won’t offend anyone with my post ad I realise what I’m thinking is a product of my experiences and thoughts but I’m really having trouble or getting past themsince a very young age perhaps 9,10 I recall older men being inappropriate towa... View more

I’m hoping I won’t offend anyone with my post ad I realise what I’m thinking is a product of my experiences and thoughts but I’m really having trouble or getting past themsince a very young age perhaps 9,10 I recall older men being inappropriate towards me . A man exposing himself , many many inappropriate comments , leering , sometimes ‘accidental touching , then at 11 sexual ‘relations’ from a 17 yr old boy That went on for a year or so . I’ve never known what to make of it as he wasn’t technically an adult . I have raised it with a couple of counsellors but both were reluctant to say much . I’m extremely angry and tearful when I think of it and ashamed . I went completely off the rails and into abusive relationships from there anyway , my issue is I have zero trust in men and a huge obstacle believing I could ever have a real relationship , even though that’s what I truly want , because I believe deep down all men truly care about and want is youth. All my examples in life have confirmed this in both my personal experience and friends around me . I hate porn as In my mind it confirms mens obsession with youth and beauty with older women being relegated to a fetish .My closest friends tell me that men on dating sites their age block women their own age even though they say they don’t want children in their profile and I read that men’s optimal age for a partner for their entire life is 22 even through women prefer men within a few years of their own age . Apparently that survey was taken from over 200k people so it’s not small I look around me for some examples to try and give me opposing views and think ok I’ve found a man standing by his wife then I find out he left for a 21 yr old ....I just feel women are only valued for youth and looks and so discarded and that any of a relationship of you didn’t get it right in your youth is decreased for a woman just because she losses the thing men value most . I feel like I’m permanently damaged . I mean if I can’t be through these thoughts by this age . Everyone else is living in the same world as me and either doesn’t see these things or isn’t bothered by them so there’s clearly something very wrong with me and I don’t seem to get anywhere talking to therapist . In another thread a psychologist was suggested but I’m apprehensive as my experience is no one wants to hear this ... o guess I’m venting and wondering if anyone has ever felt this

lazycalm Recently diagnosed with psychosis from PTSD
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone! this is my first post on this forum, I have been in intensive therapy for a bit over a year, last year I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt as a result of my depression and anxiety, along with my developing psychotic symptoms. I am d... View more

Hi everyone! this is my first post on this forum, I have been in intensive therapy for a bit over a year, last year I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt as a result of my depression and anxiety, along with my developing psychotic symptoms. I am doing a lot better than I was last year, but recently I was officially diagnosed with psychosis, and it's taking a toll on me. I have used up my therapy sessions, but I don't think I want to return to it for a while because I think I can cope by myself now, but I'm just looking for a bit of support on these forums. I had an extremely bad acid trip on new years a couple years back, and I've never felt the same since. I have 1st episodic psychosis and PTSD as a result. It drives me nuts.. I'm often very paranoid, and I have slight auditory and visual hallucinations, though nothing too extreme, it makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I feel dissociated literally 100% of the time, and it makes my work life and social life quite difficult. For example, I get confused about my surroundings, it feels like I'm looking through a screen all the time, like nothing is real around me. It feels really scary but I'm just trying to accept that this is my life now. Sometimes I get so confused that I don't see where I'm going and I might walk into someone or something by accident. My vision is always fuzzy, and I can see halos around people. I know it sounds crazy, and I know it's just my illness but it gets so tiring having to act normal around people, like I'm not experiencing anything. I guess I'm really scared of this developing into something like schizophrenia. It would be reassuring to hear from people with psychosis or a similar experience to me. I feel there is so much stigma around it because people think you're crazy or will harm others because of it, which isn't true at all. I also have really bad depression and anxiety, and I have panic attacks a lot simply because I get anxious about the possibility of getting anxious. It's so draining Anyway, sorry if I have rambled a lot but I'd just like to get some reassurance that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.

bonvita_p Sexual Assualt, mental health, full-time work, support?
  • replies: 2

Hallo BB community, I am reaching out for advice. I experience very extreme ups and downs caused by complex trauma from childhood sexual assault. I went to a music festival in Nov 2018 and experienced assault again and haven't had a grip all year, I ... View more

Hallo BB community, I am reaching out for advice. I experience very extreme ups and downs caused by complex trauma from childhood sexual assault. I went to a music festival in Nov 2018 and experienced assault again and haven't had a grip all year, I started a new full-time job thinking a fresh start would distract me but ive had multiple break-downs and seriously embarrassing emotional days. I have recently applied for counselling and cognitive behavioural training through Victim Services but ive seen two psychologists in 6 months and really don't feel like they've helped. My mum keeps telling my it'll take time but I am burning out. I have spiralled AGAIN> displays of aggression to my boss and total anti-social behaviour with colleagues leading up to it. Felt like I was experiencing bullying all year and told myself I could talk it out with people before the holidays. A lot of the time they work in pairs and I never felt considered. I must have been too confrontational because I have been given a warning from my boss about it. Im really disappointed in myself for not handling it, im an only child and I think I take these things too seriously, I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to say to anyone. I feel sick and pathetic that this is how I feel. I talked to my GP about it and he gave me a 3 day medical note and said it sounds like everyone at work is stressed. Ive worked really hard all year and he knows I have. My boss wanted to know what was wrong with me, hes really old school and makes all the woman at work uncomfortable so this was really hard for me. I told him my GP says im stressed, he asked for a diagnoses, I said complex trauma, he said that has nothing to do with work and if its affecting me then I shouldn't be in the workforce and he would like to know so he can replace me. I want to crumble. I don't want to find another employer. I want to sit with myself and accept the world, study at tafe and do volunteer work for the planet. Does anyone know where child sexual assault victims stand under disability payments from centrelink? I don't feel like ive healed at all this year. I feel so tired and angry. I want to take time out to heal.

Bear1922 Does PTSD Ever get better?
  • replies: 6

The title to this post pretty much sums up my query. I felt like I turned the corner for a couple of weeks. But now - night terrors, flashbacks, physically painful sadness. Nights spent up just crying - more like a silent scream of anguish. Exhausted... View more

The title to this post pretty much sums up my query. I felt like I turned the corner for a couple of weeks. But now - night terrors, flashbacks, physically painful sadness. Nights spent up just crying - more like a silent scream of anguish. Exhausted & losing the determination to fight on.