Perceptions of healthy father daughter relationships

[Imokbutstillstruggling]

I was sexually abused by my father until I was 7, and then exposed to sexual behaviours, comments and actions until much later. I am 22 now and have had no contact with him for about 6 months after I confessed to my uncle about the abuse due to my concern about my father around children. He threw doubt in to my mind, and scorned me for telling my uncle and basically that I was sick to think he ever did those things despite a previous confession by him which he also explained away.. I now have a partner of 2 years and he is awesome. However he has two little girls 4 and 7 and I cannot get my internal chatter to stop and despite continued therapy, my mind try's to convince me every time they interact that this man is a predator. He has not shown me anything that would give me precedent to believe that, however in the last two years I have taken over baths and dressing of the girls because seeing him doing those things makes me fly into a panic attack. I know why. And I know it is my problem not his, I do NOT want to make him feel like a predator but it seriously feels like its ripping me apart when I see them in certain situations. I feel like I am taking away part of their normal father daughter dynamic by not allowing him to do these things. He is very supportive and he understands that deep down I know he is a protector, that they are safe with him - I just want to shake the fear that comes whenever they are with us. If anyone has had a similar experience and has advice on how to overcome this please tell me, I love them all with everything I have and I want to move forward from this..

[Doolhof]

Hi,

I've not been in your situation, but I am wondering if you hav4e considered some kind of counselling to help you through what you have experienced, and to help you to move on and accept the relationship this man has with his children.

It must be very hard to trust after such trauma and to be able to separate this man from the actions of your father.

How would you feel if you and your partner bathed the girls together and dressed them together? Maybe find ways to make these natural occurrences fun activities.

Hope you find some answers and help to sort out what you have experienced.

Regards from Dools

[paddyanne]

Hi. I understand your feelings of mistrust. Not sure if this will help. As a child I was raised with Shirley Temple movies. We had a predator living along the road from us, I discovered this when he tried to attack me. I'm now in my late 60's. Each time I see any Shirley Temple movies where grown men are holding and caressing her, I too feel scared for her. Dools has suggested you and your partner share his daughter's bath time. A great idea but you might still feel tempted to stop him physically touching them. It's great that you acknowledge this fear, but sad that you're allowing this to intrude into family time. I suggest you ask your partner to accompany you to discuss this with a sexual abuse councilor. Sexual abuse councilors are specifically trained in this field and can help both of you relax and enjoy bath time with the girls. You would need a Dr's referral but discussing it with a trained councilor will help your partner fully appreciate why you feel so uncomfortable. Yes, he knows, but he doesn't really understand. It's like learning something new, we know the dynamics but don't really understand the specifics. He doesn't understand because he never had the abuse you suffered.