Newby - Needing some faith in therapy

[Somatica]

Hi all,

I'm struggling with resurgence from a physically violent relationship from 4 years ago. I never followed through on therapy as I've had little success with it. One lady clearly lost faith in me when she said I should leave my partner and from then on she became detached and almost cynical. She also started nodding off in front of me! That was my last session with her!

I've dealt with it my humanising my ex abuser, I see him a child in need of help, like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum because he doesn't know how to process his emotions. Which I believe is exactly what was happening to him when he would snap. Part of his brain/heart never grew up. So I feel sorry for him. I rarely feel sorry for myself about it, in fact I've managed to gain strength and power through seeing myself as a survivor. But I've never properly processed what actually happened, and I've never systematically told anyone the real truth. I told the police nothing at the time after my boss called the cops, I protected by abuser.

Now I have fits of crying that can be brought on by a small thing, stubbing my toe, biting my lip while eating, pain is now an emotional trigger where I feel utterly helpless and alone while also being incredibly angry.

I know I haven't processed this properly. I'd love to hear any positive stories regrading talk therapy and also open to alternative therapies and healing.

Best of luck to you all,

Somatica

[IreneM]

HI Somatica

Nice that you are speaking up and recognising your difficulties. I also have had similar experiences to you and still at times suffer from flashbacks. But I have had some successful therapy.

It's amazing that we have a bit in common with our partners. Mine had a massive head injury many years ago and he just cannot know what to do in the moment. I sometimes have to direct him in what to do, as he can wander around in a simple task. So I also have to be there for him at times and being someone else who has got mental issues is also helpful but at the same time challenging.

Like you, this has made me go to the trouble to follow-up on therapy. I have mostly had good face-to-face therapy, but over time your needs change and I discover something else that I need to address and need help to learn the skills to manage it.

If you don't mind me asking ... are you more face-to-face oriented or are you more of a reader and writer or by doing things? If you are more of an introvert, keep to yourself and/or digital online help might suit you if you lack face-to-face confidence.

You need to be prepared to put in a fair bit of effort to be able to make good progress with a therapist but don't expect instant results. Psychologists provide medium to long term therapy. As your therapist gets to know you and your learning methods and your level of commitment the type of therapy can change to suit all these factors as well as the type of problem that is being addressed.

More Information under "Treatment Options" below.

Look forward to hearing from you and take care.

Irene.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Somatica,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and thankyou for having the courage to share your story with us.

I'd like to remind you, that there is more than one therapist in the world, and that perhaps you could search around for someone 'more qualified' or at least more suitable for what you are going though, and have been through already.I don't know where you live, but what I do know is that there are places around that are specially focused on providing support for those who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence.

I too have been in a violent relationship, so I get where you are coming from in trying to better understand your partner. I made plenty of excuses for his behavior; "He's working so hard" (I had become unemployed while with him) or "It's not always like this." (I focused so much more on the times he was nice and conveniently forgot how badly behaved he had been.) Or even "It's my fault. He's right, I need to make more of an effort to lose weight/get a job/clean the house ......" ad infinitum.

Yes, maybe he (your partner) does/my ex partner did have some issues with processing his emotions, but at the end of the day, he is a grown man and is responsible for his behavior. COMPLETELY responsible for HIS behavior. Just as we are with our behavior.

Perhaps you could call the 1800 RESPECT number ( 1800 737 732) and having a chat with them about your options and what is available to you for healing?

I do hope that helps at least a little. And if you don't want to seek any other help at this stage than posting here on BB, then that's okay too. BB is available to you 24/7 and we are here for you and with you. Take care. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. xo

[Somatica]

Aaah nah I'm fine with face to face.Perhaps I should have been more clear. My problem is I preempt everything they're going to tell me and already know the answers they think they're offering and also generally find people's advice trite and annoying. Even your advice just annoys me. I'll be honest, I don't suffer fools well, or people who think they're being clever when they're not. I've seen three psychologists who were not helpful. I find people's approach formulaic, predictable, un-insightful, patronising and mostly antiquated and conservative. Not to mention heavily biased and subjective. I want real lasting insight and actual revolutionary thinking. Even this whole forum is far too conservative for me. I think martial arts and nature can teach us much more. But that might not stop my nightmares.

[White_Rose]

Hello Somatica

You sound very angry with others and also yourself I suspect.

I wonder if you have considered that "I pre-empt everything they're going to tell me and already know the
answers they think they're offering and also generally find people's advice trite and annoying" means you are missing the real message. Life is not straight forward, do this and you will have that. We are complex life forms and need to learn how to get on with each other, which including allowing their opinion.

Your therapists have always needed to get to know you before they do anything major because it may be a waste of time. However the only way to do this is to start with the more obvious and move from there. Maybe your best bet is to go ahead with your martial arts and nature to find relief from your nightmares. The problem here is that you do not know what to do and have asked for help from this forum and several therapists, then thrown their kindness in their faces.

Everything you have described in your partner and your life together shows that you are not strong despite your assertions. You have let the BF off the hook and now have nightmares. I have nightmares for several reasons and they are devastating. Just because I know where they come from does not mean I can make them disappear. Being strong means facing these fears head on and listening to the people who want to help you. Really listening. Stop looking at your own solutions because they obviously do not work.

Can you put aside your desire for an instant cure and go with your therapist's process. It may take a while because you have put so many barriers in place that no therapist can help you until the barriers come down. Go and see a psychiatrist. They can help you understand yourself, if indeed this is what you want.

Happy to continue this conversation.

Mary

[IreneM]

HI Somatica

Sorry for being off the forums a bit due to going overseas to help improve medical care globally.

Based on how you feel it is possible that online therapy might suit you better to start off with. As Mary suggested it sounds like you may have some repressed anger there too. This is common if you feel that you cannot express yourself.

My thoughts are that you should consider calling the hotline below for direction on other therapy options including face-to-face or online. All therapists are human and we all click with different people. But persistence will one day pay if you are willing to persist with someone and are upfront about the potential type of therapy for your needs.

Take care and am happy to talk if you wish. Just remember that this forum is for us laypatients to support each other.

Irene.

[Bear1922]

Very nicely stated Mary.

I admire your insight & turn of phrases.

🐻

[White_Rose]

Hello Bear

Thank you for your message. I appreciate the support.

How are you doing? Can we help in any way? Have you started a thread or do you post replies to help others? Either way is good.

Mary