Hi i'm new here and wanted to rant

[gsd8]

Hi

I have suffered life-long depression and anxiety and I wanted to find a place were I could connect with people that are going through the same thing.

Every day is unbearable levels of anxiety and paranoia, afraid to leave the house, not trusting anyone around me, never letting anyone be behind me, being extremely on edge if I see a car outside my house, I don't have a normal social network, no friends or family and the only person in my life that I communicate with is my counsellor. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore in a moment of panic but he consoled me and I'm glad he did. When I was a child I suffered an injury that is fatal in majority of cases and yet I was in the minority that survived why me? why was I the one to survive? I'm angry that I survived that and have to suffer the pain of death again, and I pray every night that I don't wake up in the morning and when I do wake up its just another day of this torment.

I sometimes go to university but being in public for long periods of time is guaranteed panic attacks which have only become more intense as I've gotten older, but going to university is one of the only reasons I leave the house. go to the counsellor, buy food/clothes or go to university there is no other reason for me to leave and suffer panic.

[Croix]

Dear Gsd8~

Welcome here to the Forum, you have come to a place where you can talk about your life and be met with understanding.

Many have wished not to wake up, and to find doing the simple thngs others do incredibly hard, and feeling real anxiety, even fear at a strange car.

Yet you do go out, go to uni, buy clothes and so on, you make it, even though fraught with bad feelings. When it is a simple matter for people to do these things it is no big deal, when someone such as yourself does it is a victory, a sign of strength, an ability to overcome. Please do not judge yourself by others, it is a trap -one I fell into.

I was even afraid of going down my own driveway to my mailbox, a triumph when I managed it! Mind you there were times I found excuses not to do it.

You mentioned a councilor, one who had the sense to talk you out of leaving, do you also have a GP and medication? Without proper therapy from a psychiatrist, plus meds I simply got worse. Now I'm good.

Do you mind if I ask why you keep on going to uni? It it the subject material -something you enjoy or are good at? Also what else is there you enjoy? I love reading, which is an escape, I look forward to it every day, plus old movies.

I nearly forgot, do you have a technique for dealing with panic attacks?

I hope you keep on 'ranting' here

Croix

[gsd8]

Hi croix thanks for replying. "rant" isn't the right word but I couldn't come up with a good title name.

I do have a gp and scheduled to see a psychiatrist. I'm currently on short acting medication for panic attacks even though I have used multitudes of mental health meds in the past I'm always fearful of starting anything new.

I go to uni because I feel like it gives my life some purpose without it I would expect to go downhill quickly.

I deal with the panic attacks by leaving the situation and going home. When I panic I feel death is imminent and I would feel like I was going to pass out so I feel I can't do anything else.

You said at one point you were scared to go to your mailbox but now you're good is there anything that sparked that change besides from meds how did you escape that mindset? I feel like the extreme majority of people couldn't understand that level of anxiety and fear of leaving their house so I am glad I have found someone here already that has been through that.

[insertaname]

Hi gsd8
Although I am not diagnosed with long-life depression and anxiety ,I do experience these with my bipolar diagnosis.
I’m not afraid of leaving the house – but I do have the anxiety that I didn’t lock the front door. I get very anxious when I have to talk to people I don’t know and even more nervous when I feel I said something stupid. Every day, I question myself. Was I too elevated or ti snarky. I also get anxiety over assignments, exams and appointments to the point I cannot sleep.
I’ve been in a car accident in 2013 which cause PTSD/trauma/anxiety of crossing the road it took 2 years to get off but I still thing they are going to hit me. That car was written. I would love to find a place where I can connect with people like me – I was on another forum but I felt left out.
I’m sorry that you feel every day is unbearable for you. You are quite fortunate your counsellor was there. I have no friends either – I think in a sense I’m also picky on who I consider a friend – they need to be able to accept that I have bipolar. Too many shallow people.
I’m sorry to hear you had a traumatic experience where the dream occurs. That dream is perhaps occurring because you have a question in mind – that’s usually what happens when I have re-occurring dreams. You should see yourself as a survivor.
Does your university have external classes online like my university? I go out of the house for the same things as you. I like being home. But then I’ve got to pity my dog who loves to socialise with other dogs. I’ve gotten older and my negativity has increased despite being positive and realising if I want some thing I have to change how I approach things.
J

[gsd8]

Hi insertaname being left out and being judged by people is something I experience as well and I know the sadness it can cause I'm still working out how to use this forum but if I see any threads made by you i'll make sure to post on it.

My university records most of the lectures so I really only go if I need to be there for an in class exam.

Making friends is pretty much impossible at the moment the closest person I have to a friend is my counsellor. In a moment of despair he called me brother that single word stopped me from self destructive behaviour that day. I think most people don't see importance of the little things in life.

Also you brought up the point I should see myself as a survivor that's something I have never thought about and I'm going to talk to my counsellor about that when I see him

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me J and giving me something to think about.

[insertaname]

Hey gsd8

I’m still a newbie to this forum too. Even though I am from the y/I generation, I don’t feel like one because I’m not that crash hot with technology. Technology is sometimes my enemy. Thank you, you can always talk to me - 😃 you’re now one of my friends – just wish it wasn’t internet based.

My university is fked. They used to record the lectures. But now it’s a combination of real-life-time video conferencing, recording, and no recording. So yeah university drives me up the wall. Also the lecturers and tutorials can sometimes be backwards and not related to one another – which makes me question why am I being taught like this if a teacher has to teach things in a logical step-by-step process. I’m a pre-service teacher.

Making friends for me is hard due to lecture clashes, loss of interest, and loss of contact.

One thing I learnt that a mentor teacher told a pre-service teacher is for every negative thing you find think of 3 good things. I don’t know if that helps you.

When I was really down I had 3 goals roughly they were. 1 Make someone smile or laugh 2. Have a conversation or short talk with someone. 3 Smile even if you don’t feel like it – I smile when people wont stop staring at me.

You are a survivor and you need to be a fighter too, to combat this – You already took the first steps by coming here and talking to a counsellor.

I’m glad you liked my response, if you have any questions or anything you want to talk about please do =). I have a lot of interests and I call myself an “all-rounder” because I do not really have a specialty/talent.

J

[Croix]

Dear Gsd8~

OK, so not 'rant'. We can call it 'talking about life', which is exactly what it is.

Do you enjoy the subject matter at uni if you leave to one side the hassles of dealing with other people? Enjoyment is important in lots of ways.

You asked about my fear of the mailbox and gradually overcoming it, and enjoyment comes in here.

I had three things to help wiht that problem, and had similar techniques for other things -including a reward system

So my psych gave me the logical facts, I'd been in an occupation where the post had given me unwelcome tasks, comments and other unpleasant things for years. This developed into a very strong reluctance to go get the post. Because it was part of my job I forced myself, right up until I was invalided out.

The psych also had (still does) have me on meds, which helps.

The other thing was I cast around for self-reward, to make going to the mailbox something to look forward to, not irrationally dread. As I mentioned before I realy like reading and found a place in the US that sold ex-library books from all parts of the US very very cheap. Books that had hardly been touched, including heaps on one of my favorites, fantasy, plus biographies and anything else you can imagine.

So I gave up buying from local second-hand and thrift book stores and bought from them. Staggering things out so I'd get a new book every few days. A good reason to go look at the mailbox wiht positive anticipation.

I'm not saying my technique is good for all in every situation, but I do think the principal does hold true, at least in part

I guess maybe you might come up with reasons to go out that are enjoyable - what do you think?

Beyond Blue has some help here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/treatments-for-anxiety/anxiety-management-strategies

To that I'd add two things I find. The first is to be stubborn. If I've had an attack in the middle of doing something then try to keep going (obviously not driving a car) but maybe when sitting down drinking coffee with a friend or even doing the laundry or walking to the front gate.

The second is to realise it is a panic attack, and you have come though every one you have had before and survived 100%. You are getting better and better at coping. (Yes I know very well it feels like a heart-attack on steriods:(

As time goes on these two thoughts get stronger. Why not discuss all these approaches wiht your psychiatrist? They may be useful.

So, anything of any use?

Croix