Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

Your comments made me cry & not because you said anything wrong, I am unhappy with myself & that’s probably a major reason why I feel so bad. I don’t like who I am, I’ve always felt different.

Some days I do want to give up. I am making things harder for myself by not seeing a professional to help me deal with my past, but I think I’m in denial at times. I try to put on a happy face & go to work everyday. But there’s a part of me that’s just in so much pain & I try to ignore it as much as possible.

It’s hard taking that first step though when you don’t have any support. I’m just scared.

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

Yes taking that first step is the hard part, and it can seem very hard -almost impossible.

You already know I have before now backed myself into a corner by posting or sending a mes sage, so you see others are like you.

A doctor's appointment will not be quite as you imagined it, and if you have already set out in writing what is wrong then you just answer questions about what you wrote -not as hard as you might think.

Most people, me included, fear judgment, judgment for how we are or what we've done. That is not going to happen. Like a broken leg it is something to be treated.

You do have support - right here. True it would be nice to have a family member or freind go with you and we are only on the screen, however we are real people (which is how we can understand - we have faced similar) and can talk and encourage and say how things are.

Getting help brings with it a sense of relief -and accomplishment, and that's just from going the first time.

You deserve a better happier life and it really is within your reach

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I went to the GP & explained how I was feeling. She prescribed medication for anxiety/depression. I have been left feeling sick, depressed & bloated. The sweating that has started since I began taking them is disgusting. I was asked to persevere for a few more weeks to see how I go.

I’m just not myself at the moment.

Thank you for your support.

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

That's terrific, you went and saw about the problems you face. Courage, determination, plus sense. Something to look back on with satisfaction

Unfortunately selection of medication - and size of dose - is not as cut an dried as one might imagine. People all have differing reactions and there is a degree of trial and error.

That might not be so bad if one could quickly changeover from one to another, unfortunately as I'm sure your doctor will have explained many have long lead times to become effective, and also have to be tailed off prior to another starting if they do not suit.

In the meantime, until they settle in and become effective they can have all sorts of undesirable side effects. It looks like you are copping several of these.

I had to trial a very long list of meds to find the right one - which I did. No real side effects and quite effective - amazing. At times, like you , I really wondered if it was worth it. Now I know- at least in my case -it was.

Can you do anything to help you feel more comfortable - swimming maybe?

Hang in there B, you will get there.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I lied & agreed to keep taking it for a few weeks to see if it works. I can’t take it, it doesn’t just make me feel unwell, it made me feel like there was no point in going on. I knew whatever issues I had, it multiplied them & made me feel worse than I ever had.

I will discuss it next week at my appointment & I’ll be honest about my experiences with it. I understand it came take time to find what works, but I don’t want to be sent over the edge in the process.

I went out last night for a work function & was sent a photo of myself & some colleagues. I was mortified. I just don’t recognise the massive person that I’ve become. I’ve eaten my feelings & really abused my body. It was upsetting to see.

I plan on going down to visit with my real Dad next week. I could use a break from my surroundings & it will be good to catch up with my Dad.

I’m do sorry that I’m always going on with the same things. I only gave myself for support with these issues & I only have myself to blame for that. I don’t like me most days, I can’t expect anyone else to. I’m very fortunate that I have kids who get the best parts of me & accept me for who I am.

Kind Regards,

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

I've been off-line for a few days and have only just got back you seeing how you have been.

I agree, you don't need a trial med that makes you wish to kill yourself or simply become unable to function, that would be silly and dangerous. So it is a question of a proper discussion of the pros and cons of different medication approaches PLUS HONESTY, no minimizing. or omissions.

If one doctor insists there is only one alternate seek a second opinion, you are in charge.

Waiting until an appointment is not always a good thing, contacting a crisis line straight away might sometimes be better, we have a good one 24/7, on 1300 22 4636

OK so you saw an unflattering photo and it reminded you of a coping mechanism you have been using. A shock maybe and an excuse for a really good bout of guilt - as usual completely undeserved.

You have described your early life and nobody is going to get though that unscathed. Your use of food as a barrier is a mild and reversible technique. You are not abusing pills or alcohol, you are not on ICE, you are not ... well the list of pitfalls goes on and on.

Instead you provide a stable and loving home for you children. I think if others saw you they would like you, and not see any downsides - which your mind magnifies and regards as terribly bad.

You also apologize for talking about the same things often. They are major issues for you and need talking out, we are hear to listen. It's natural, it's human, it's OK.

I hope you enjoy your visit with your dad.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Thank you Croix, I’ve been having a shit run & really appreciated your message. I’ve been back to the GP & was put on a new medication. It hasn’t made me feel like my previous medication did, which is really good. I do find that I sugarcoat everything because I get embarrassed when discussing my mental health with any health care professionals. I had to be assertive this time though, because I felt I wasn’t being heard. In the end I admitted that if I had to take the same sort of medication again, I don’t think I would be cope. She said she would phone 3 days ago to check in me, but I haven’t heard anything. I’m just glad that I’m not in that same space.

I wish I could be as kind to myself, as I am to others. I would feel awful if someone I knew was in pain. I just can’t find the same kindness for myself. I get annoyed thinking about how I’ve allowed myself to become the “victim” in many situations. I’ve allowed people to mistreat me, even as an adult. I just don’t respect myself.

I have a day off work today & I’m going to try to do something small for myself. I know what I should be doing to feel better, it’s just a matter of getting off my backside & doing it.

Thanks again,

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

I'm glad it helped a bit. I'm VERY glad you were more forthright with your doctor - do you think you actually go the whole situation understood, or jut a vague understanding things were serious?

You already now I'm a fan of writing everything down point form a day or two before then share the paper. Sugar coating simply does not come into it, just a clear and accurate description.

The felling you are less 'kind' to yourself than your attitude to others is common, and is of course called low self-esteem. You think if you had been this or that then others would not have treated you so badly. Self reinforcing as you continue to be treated badly - even the doctor failing to keep a promise is a small example, incidentally what do you feel you should do about that?

OK, logic first -who did the bad treating? -You? No, Them? -Yes. I know, logic just bounces off and makes little difference AT THE TIME, later it become a useful way of looking at things.

Now the emotional - takes patience but works better. You do something every day you enjoy. I don't know what but first it must take your mind away from life and current thoughts, and second it must be something to look forward too each day.

I don't know what you have liked in the past, I use books, I have favorite ones, I use movies, pets, walking and talking with a special person, pets and many other things.

It's hard to think of things to start with, but you cast your mind back and you will. I call it self reward and it has, apart from the obvious daily treat, a sneaky side effect -you start to beleive you are worth rewarding, then you know you are, then you know you are a worthy person and can stand up to life better as a result - works for me (Truthfully? A lot, not 100% but certainly good enough to use.)

You are getting there.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I don’t think my GP got the full picture, even when I tried being a bit more assertive. I know that I will definitely need to find another GP. I found it a bit concerning that she would offer to call & check up on me after I mentioned that the medication she had prescribed me left me feeling so low, that I wanted to write my kids a letter to say goodbye.

Doing things & taking time for myself is a work in progress. I do like the idea of calling it a self reward. It’s amazing how much we’re willing to do & give to others, but it’s a struggle to show the same kindness to ourselves.

At my own pace, I’m going to work on me. I’m usually 2 steps forward & then 5 steps back, but like you said before, I’m not a drug addict, I am doing the best I can with what I know.

Thank you so very much for your support.

[Croix]

Dear B~

Your GPO, plus your psych if you get one, has to "click", you need someone you have confidence in. So a second GP may well be a good idea. If your first one did not give you coping strategies for your feeling like taking your life then she is letting the side down.

You need the idea you are not alone.

Now you know waht I'm going to say -but I'll say it anyway. Write it all down point form days before and give it to your new GP in a long consultation. If assertive is not enough, as it wasn't here, then a list should do the trick, particularly if you point out items that are not being addressed as time goes on.

Self reward does not have to take hours (though it is excellent if it does), but with the hectic life of a mother a few minutes might be all you can get sometimes - so please think and plan.

You deserve the best available.

Croix