Marriage problems

[Elsam]

I have been with my husband 25 years, i feel like I do still love him but hate him at the same time for the way he treats me and destroys our life. We have been together 25 years and there has been a long history of Domestic violence, abuse, cheating and dishonesty. I cannot trust him.
The violence has now stopped but he has now started with emotional abuse.
I left him in August last year and then he begged me to come home after 8 weeks, I finally came home because he promised me the world (all fake promises, just telling me what I wanted to hear).
By Christmas he abandoned me on Boxing Day for 2 months, I never saw him and he never spoke to me for the 2 mths.
February I went to see a Solicitor and they sent him a serious letter, he then called the Solicitor saying he wanted to work things out with me.
My brother has just passed away and now he has abandoned me again and I have not seen or spoken to him for the last 3 weeks.
I cannot go on like this but I am suffering from depression and PTSD from the trauma he has put me through. He is a narcissist and very controlling and manipulative.
He is good at Gaslighting and giving me this silent treatment to make me feel guilty so I come crawling back to him! It is just a cycle of abuse that never ends
I just don’t know how I am ever going to get away and feel as though I can survive on my own I am so scared. He has made me co-dependant.
I want to be on my own and he happy but feel like I still love my husband but cannot keep letting him treat me the way he does.
Does anyone have any experience with this abandonment? Is it another form of abuse? He never used to do this before?

I have tried for so long to get him to address our issues and problems and attend marriage counselling together but he just runs away from the truth all the time!

We are living separately in the same house!
I just don’t know what to try next or who to turn to, it is always me making the effort in this marriage

[GimZim]

It sounds like he's going to find out a divorce costs more than counselling, to be honest with you.

[geoff]

Hello Elsam, as Veldelmar and GimZim, have said, he won't be doing anything about it, the list is too extensive and by no means do I suggest that what you have written down does need to be addressed, but for him it's easier not to contact you.

Even if he did agree to change, which item will he decide to choose on, but more importantly can it be sustained and for how long.

You haven't seen him since April 19th tells you the whole story, I'm sorry to say.

Geoff.

[Elsam]

Thank you all, I just cannot get it through my head how he can just destroy 25 years of our life! I have never done anything wrong by my husband, I have always been faithful, honest, trustworthy and a good wife to him. I am still here waiting but I cannot give in to him once again be cause all he does is take advantage and neglect me.
I can see everything he does to me but it is just breaking me to try and make the decision to leave.
Our house is on the market, I am hoping sadly in a way he just goes when the house is sold making it easier for me not to have to make the painful decision to go! He is a total narcissist, a cheater and manipulating pathological liar.
All I can think is that he is cheating, it is the only reason I can think of as to why he would treat me so badly for no reason.
I have asked him many times what have I done to deserve this and he tells me I have done nothing! But he had the hide to tell my Solicitor he wants me to attend anger management! I cannot believe he cannot understand why I am angry after 25 years of abuse, cheating, lies, betrayal and neglecting me making me live my life on my own! But he turns around when it suits him and promises the world telling me we are going to have a nice life. The nice life never happens. He has been promising me for 25 years we are going to go to Europe and it never happens! I just cannot deal with or understand the lies and deceit!!!

[Guest_1055]

Hi Eslam,

According to what I have found out about narcissism. Generally the person who has it does not show empathy at all. A few posts back I suggested to you to have a watch of Dr Les Carter talks on Ytube. Honestly I believe it would help you further. He gives tools on how you can relate to a person who has narscissm. And even how they think.

Shell

[Elsam]

He has neglected me so much that I cannot cope with the way he treats me.
He grew up in an abusive household with his family.
He has just become worse and worse as he has got older, the dishonesty, deceit, dysfunctional behaviour and being untrustworthy.
I just don’t know what else to do to try and save my marriage, it is always me making the effort.
Up until a few weeks ago he was telling me how much he loved me and that we were going to grow old and grey together. Now I can see it was all just what he thought I wanted to hear to keep me around so he doesn’t lose half of everything. Money is everything to him!
I am so honest and caring, I just cannot believe he can treat me like this after 25 years together.
Am I meant to just walk away from my marriage or keep putting up with the emotional abuse, neglect and lies.

At the beginning of March he told my Solicitor he wanted to work things out with me, my birthday was in March and he couldn’t even buy me a birthday present! By 19th April he had abandoned me again!

I just don’t get how he can live with himself? But a narcissist isn’t genuine, doesn’t have a conscience or show any empathy or compassion!

[Elsam]

Just feel like I am not coping mentally today, I just feel devastated and heartbroken that my husband can treat me like this for no reason.

I just want to give in and talk to him to make things ok but I know I shouldn’t because he just manipulates and takes advantage of me being too soft.
I don’t know who to turn to, I feel like friends are not there for me because they are sick of hearing my story.
If I give in I am just back to the same old abuse and neglect and I don’t want that.
I want to be happy with my husband but he will not allow us to be happy together.
I am tired and exhausted and still trying to hold down my job because I need it if I am going to leave him.
I don’t know what to do!
I am sick and tired of the phone support lines!

[geoff]

Hello Elsam, we know how you are feeling and what you are saying, but you can't wait until he does something positive, it's probably not going to happen, and even if it does, it won't be long lasting nor what you can expect or something that's trustworthy.

Can I ask you if you are entitled to any sick leave or holidays and whether or not you are keen to stay in the house?

I only ask these so we may be able to help you further.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Elsam]

Hi Geoff

Thank you for your support, I just feel so desperate to save my marriage, I love my husband and have never done anything wrong by him so can’t understand why he wants to destroy our life together after 25 years.
I know in my heart he cannot be trusted which hurts so much.

I have no sick leave or annual leave as I have had a lot of time off in the last 12 mths due to 2 deaths in my family. I can take unpaid leave but that is hard at the moment because I need money.

My solicitor has advised me to stay in the house until it is sold. It is just more painful being in the house with him and not being able to see him or talk. He is downstairs and I am upstairs but I have not seen him face to face since 19th April he will not even use the kitchen or eat at home.
The house is going to auction this month.

[geoff]

Hello Elsam, it is upsetting when love only goes one way, especially after being together for 25 odd years and you have been amazing, trying to believe that the situation with your husband will change, that's exactly how I felt, but unfortunately, our house had to be sold and go in separate directions.

I still love my ex, but we couldn't live together again, simply because we've both changed and probably the same issues would only arise once again, and now we can talk to each other just as when we were dating, and that's it.

Love and affection have to go both ways for a couple to remain together, having no trust and being abused for a long time doesn't constitute remaining a couple.

When is the auction date and wish you the very best?

Geoff.

[Elsam]

Thank you for your support Geoff.
I an really struggling and trying not too think about him because it hurts too much that he can do this to me after 25 years!
He has always told me we are going to grow old and grey together and that me I am his sweetheart and that he loved me.
Even said that he was not interested in other women and would rather be single.
Now the truth is coming out it was all just lies and deceit to keep me around to help pay the house off. Money is everything to him!
Up until a few weeks ago he was even saying we were going to go to Europe once the house is sold but I think he was just telling me what I want hear to keep me here.
The house is going to auction this Saturday 20th June! I can’t even think about what to do or what will happen once the house sells.

In a way I hope he just goes to make it easier or me but it it too painful to think about! I just cannot imagine never seeing my husband again! I do love my husband and have never ever done anything wrong by him, I just don’t know why he would want to hurt me?
In the past I have asked him what have I ever done wrong by you to deserve this and he said I have done nothing!

I cannot even talk to him or face him I am so angry and hurt.
We are living under the same roof and I have not seen or spoken to him since the 19th April.
I know he is not honest or trustworthy but I am just desperate to try and save my marriage and make him a decent man!
I have given him an ultimatum last week through my solicitor with no response as yet.

I don’t know what else to do!