Marriage problems

[Elsam]

I have been with my husband 25 years, i feel like I do still love him but hate him at the same time for the way he treats me and destroys our life. We have been together 25 years and there has been a long history of Domestic violence, abuse, cheating and dishonesty. I cannot trust him.
The violence has now stopped but he has now started with emotional abuse.
I left him in August last year and then he begged me to come home after 8 weeks, I finally came home because he promised me the world (all fake promises, just telling me what I wanted to hear).
By Christmas he abandoned me on Boxing Day for 2 months, I never saw him and he never spoke to me for the 2 mths.
February I went to see a Solicitor and they sent him a serious letter, he then called the Solicitor saying he wanted to work things out with me.
My brother has just passed away and now he has abandoned me again and I have not seen or spoken to him for the last 3 weeks.
I cannot go on like this but I am suffering from depression and PTSD from the trauma he has put me through. He is a narcissist and very controlling and manipulative.
He is good at Gaslighting and giving me this silent treatment to make me feel guilty so I come crawling back to him! It is just a cycle of abuse that never ends
I just don’t know how I am ever going to get away and feel as though I can survive on my own I am so scared. He has made me co-dependant.
I want to be on my own and he happy but feel like I still love my husband but cannot keep letting him treat me the way he does.
Does anyone have any experience with this abandonment? Is it another form of abuse? He never used to do this before?

I have tried for so long to get him to address our issues and problems and attend marriage counselling together but he just runs away from the truth all the time!

We are living separately in the same house!
I just don’t know what to try next or who to turn to, it is always me making the effort in this marriage

[Elsam]

Thank you.
I had my Solicitor send him a letter requesting he agree to attend marriage counselling weekly for at least 6 mths to address the problems he causes.
He responded and said he would agree to once a month.
I will not agree to once a month because I always give in to him, I have to stand my ground this time. His first response was how much is it going to cost me??? His marriage must mean a lot of money is more important!!!

[Elsam]

Thank you Geoff

Sorry to hear about your wife leaving you, it is really hard. I left my husband in August last year, after 8 weeks he begged me to come home saying he loved me and couldn’t live without me. By Christmas he abandoned me on Boxing Day for 2 mths, so I had my Solicitor send him a letter re: separation, he then called my Solicitor early March this year saying he wanted to work things out. My brother sadly passed away in March and we went to his funeral together and came home and he abandoned me the day we got home from the funeral. Just when I needed him he is not there for me! I just cannot handle this anymore the way he treats me for no reason. It is not normal. I have not seen him or spoken to him for the last 6 weeks! Again my Solicitor has sent him an ultimatum letter to attend counselling once a week for 6 mths and his response was counselling is just a waste of time and money! He agreed to once a month which I will not accept because he always wants everything his way as he is controlling and manipulating! At the moment I don’t even know if I will attend counselling as I know he will never change, he is only nice for a few days or until he gets what he wants. I cannot continue letting him treat me this way. He is so disrespectful towards me! If he loved me he wouldn’t treat me this way!

[Veldelmar]

Elsam - you can identify the issues, you can identify what's not okay and that you have become co-dependent. Please, from someone that has been through DV, now that you know what is going on and how it's happening. Reach out to groups that can help remove you from the situation. You know you need to go. You've said it so many words that aren't those words. You recognise he can live without you, and you have lived without him. Not for long periods, but you have. 25 years of DV doesn't go away with counselling or mediation. Please, my dear soul, get yourself the help you need to find the strength to go - find a psychologist that deals with DV and relationship issues. If you need medication to help, use it. You are a strong person, you may not see it through your eyes, but no one puts up with crap for 25 freaking years and isn't a strong person. You are not here seeking some sort of support and not be a strong person.

There are articles and blogs and pages and pages of information on how to leave a DV situation, how you can take steps to be ready to go, how you can do it and prevent anyone you don't want to know from knowing you are prepping to go. Depending on where you live, there are organisations here in australia that will come take you out of a situation if you require it, and can help set you up in housing and all the supplies you need to exist. They can provide counselling, support, education, job help, and tons more. You 'KNOW' that you need out of it. You 'KNOW' it is not going to change. Please, dear human that I love just because you are human, you are strong enough to go, I promise you will land on your feet - it may be hard, it may have lots of tears, you may have to fight, but you are strong, brave, and worth it. I don't know if you are like me and just need to hear the hard truths in life, but you are more than what you have been. We are all here for you, now find your feet. They are still there, and know how to do it.

[Elsam]

Thank you for the reply and support it is very much appreciated. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to do it, I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown.
I am scared, terrified and feel so much guilt. I feel guilty if I leave my marriage but I cannot go on like this. He has made me so co-dependant that I feel I cannot live my life without him. I feel so lonely but I am alone. All I have asked for us to enjoy my life with my husband. I am not high maintenance at all, all I have ever asked for is for walks on the beach or to go hiking or bushwalking with my husband. In 25 years he has never taken me to a nice restaurant, we have been to the movies probably 5 times in 25 years. He has always said you need a friend! I don’t need a friend I need my husband. I am at the stage where I am exhausted and angry from trying to save my marriage on my own all the time while he promises we are going to have a nice life but it never happens! In 25 years all I have wanted is to go to Europe but he always says we can’t afford it when we both have good jobs and no children. I am angry from the years of DV, abuse, threats, emotional abuse, cheating, dishonesty, deceit and him being totally untrustworthy. His behaviour is despicable and he is totally dysfunctional. I don’t know if he has mental problems or is living a double life! It scares me.
I cannot cope with him constantly abandoning me for weeks at a time, he has not seen me or spoken a word to me since the 19th April, I just don’t get it.
He has the hide to ask me why I am angry???
I just don’t know how to get to the bottom and truth of this.
I am going to ask my Solicitor to call him and ask him if he wants to be married or not? Surely he is not going to say he wants to be married. That is my easy way out for me not to have to make the painful decision to end it.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Elsam, thanks for keeping us updated on your situation. 
It sounds like your at a very difficult point in your marriage and you're struggling to decide whether to leave and what the consequences of this might be. We understand this is a very daunting decision to make. Please know that no matter what, you will get through this. 

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. It might benefit you to talk this situation through with a counsellor, they could provide some insight on how to best support yourself during this time as well as how to best navigate this situation.

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

 

[geoff]

Good Morning Elsam, and we can truly empathise the situation you are in and I too was married for 25 years to the person I wanted to grow old with, achieved so much together and had problems along the way, no different than any other marriage, I still love her and we speak to one another regularly, but now we couldn't live together again, this doesn't mean I can't love her.

To decide whether or not to end your marriage can not be an easy decision, however, you can't keep hold of a 'slippery rope', in other words, every time you may think you believe that there is hope, trust has been broken once again.

Two people living together need trust, loyalty, love, and without it cannot be comfortable with each other and the relationship will lack stability and not survive.

Try not to wait for your solicitor to write a letter, this will cost you money, and don't let your husband have the benefit of the doubt, I believe you have made up your mind.

We hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Veldelmar]

Guilt is a horrible beast - the DV ex used it, my mom uses it, my last ex used it. Guilt is a weapon. There are important thoughts to have about guilt. Are you actually feeling guilt, or are you making yourself feel guilt because you think you should be? If you actually feel guilt you have to ask yourself why, and if it is worth it to have that looming in your mind. If you feel it because you have convinced yourself you should be, you have to recognise why you think that and work to realise that you should never feel guilty because someone else thinks you should be. They are hard things to work through. There are things you can do to remind yourself why you shouldn't feel it in the first place. A good place is a pro/con list. You can do it for anything in your life. When the con's outweigh the pro's you have to take action to ditch it.

I know you don't feel strong. Those of us that have lived it all understand being scared and feeling weak or helpless. I promise you, you are greater than you feel. The sum of your strength will carry you. Make yourself a plan, a structured one. Have a look at some articles about leaving DV, if I could find it again I'll link it, but there was a very good one that had a step by step how-to for when you don't feel you have the courage or strength to do so. You don't have to leave in a week or a month, the plan gives you a timeline to follow that will work for you, but will make you active in your choices. I promise that your feet, legs, spine and every bit of you that holds you up knows how to carry you and won't let you fall. The hard part is letting your mind tell it it's time to go.

[Curious77]

Hello elsam,

To me it sounds like he is threatened by your increasing power and he can't control you like he used to so he is becoming more extreme in his efforts to regain his previous control over you. I think as become more powerful he will become more extreme and I am worried that you will end emotionally destroyed by how he becomes more aggressive towards you. Please preserve yourself emotionally by not pushing each other when neither is budging and get help to make a clean break.

[Elsam]

Could I please ask your opinions about my situation below?

I had my Solicitor send my husband (narcissist) a letter to agree to attend counselling once a week for at least 6 mths and for him to address the following issues:

Here are some of the things I would like to discuss at marriage counselling:

• Abuse
• Threats of Arrest
• False promises
• Cheating
• Untrustworthy
• Effort in the marriage

• My loneliness when you are not around
• Neglecting and ignoring me
• Abandoning your wife
• Running away from the truth
• Not caring that I am suffering from depression and PTSD
• Showing no empathy or compassion towards me
• You do not spend any quality time with me
• Begging me to come home saying you could not live without me but continue to mistreat me
• You told my solicitor in February that you wanted to work things out with your wife
• Your wife is trying to enjoy her life alone all the time
• iPad addiction
• The dreams you mentioned you have for us

His first response was how much is it going to cost me? He then went on to say marriage counselling is just a waste of time and money and said that he would agree to once a month. Once a month is not enough when you have serious problems like this.

My point is?
Do I really need to bother continuing to make an effort to attend marriage counselling with his stinking attitude.

Why do you need marriage counselling to be a decent person?
He is a 48 yr old man and knows right from wrong, why can’t he address his issues without a marriage Counsellor??

It just seems to me he does not want to address the issues.

Approx 2 yrs ago he said we have to address these issues because they will never go away but he has never made any effort to address any of the above.

He has not seen me face to face or spoken a word to me since the 19th April!

What does this mean????

[Veldelmar]

You know what it means, Elsam. He is not going to step up to do anything about it. I had some of these issues with my ex husband of all of 5 years and I knew he was not going to address them. I had to leave. He was a gaslighter. He didn't know he was a gaslighter. I left when he refused to work with me on things. This ex was very caring and supporting, when in a pinch or a crisis. Then everything else was ignored. He didn't give to the relationship what I gave to him. It wasn't worth it to either of us for me to continue to stay. We have stayed good friends because I was able to leave him amicably explaining exactly what was wrong and why I couldn't stay married to him. It's allowed us both to move on to people better suited to us.

My first husband was much like what you describe, minus physical abuse. He was hard to leave as he was my high school sweetheart. He came back from war very messed up and refused to get treatment. I gave him an ultimatum with a deadline to get help or I had to leave, he scared me (and i only saw him a couple times a year at the time as we were both in the service and in different locations). He had violent nightmares and woke up pointing an imaginary gun at the door thinking we were being invaded, he cheated, drank himself stupid and took drugs trying to make war go away. When the deadline for it came - and I gave him 6 extra months - I got a lawyer to send divorce papers. He refused to sign them for 2 years and I had to take action to get him to through his chain of command, it was a whole mess. But I left. The weight of the world was off my shoulders. I didnt have to worry about getting a STI from him anymore, lies, drug/drink fuelled scariness, being hurt, or being forced into sexual situations I wasn't comfortable with. It was over.

I'm telling you these things because I've been there, been afraid, been helpless and fortunately had just enough support in people saying you know what you need to do to be able to get up and do it.