Losing the war with myself

[Guest_2350]

Hi everyone.

I first posted in this forum 5 years ago. Everything that had to do with mental illness, medication, treatment was new to me and the people on this forum helped me heaps,

I have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and from war. Bipolar. Anxiety. Bushfires and Covid haven’t helped.

Since that first post I’ve lost my job because of discrimination. I tried to kill myself twice. I’ve had countless admissions, meds, one on one and group therapies. I work hard to implement what I learn, I try not to work so hard... I try new things, I try old things... I’ve lost friends and family, made new friends, lost most of them...

I don’t know what else to try, I feel defeated.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Yggy, thanks for joining us here again on the forums. 
We're sorry to hear how distressed you are at the moment, we understand how difficult things have been lately and how much harder it has been to cope as a result. We want you to know that you are valuable, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[white knight]

Hello again, yes, I remember your name yggy

I have a philosophy, if Ive tried many things and they haven’t worked, be radical and try everything else because what have you got to lose?

I wrote an article about that

google

beyondblue topic if all else fails- be radical

I hope that gets you to it. The concept came to me when I recalled an event in 1976. I picked up a hitchhiker as I drove Melbourne to Adelaide, after a couple of hours I sensed he was upset so asked him if he wanted to talk.

His wife cheated on him and they had a toddler. He was suicidal, so his rough plan was to find a cattle station in the outback and get work.

I left him in Adelaide and 6 month later he rang me to tell me he’d been working as a cook at a cattle station and his girlfriend was the fatmets daughter. He also returns to Melbourne once a month to visit his son.

He was happy. Such a radical change of lifestyle kickstarted his life.

Do you think it’s worth considering?

Other threads worth reading-

beyondnlue topic- suicidal? It’s not all your fault

beyondblue topic saving yourself from doom

reply anytime. You know the drill 🙂

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

hello yggy

thank you for sharing. I admire the way you opened up about how you were feeling - i hope you feel comfortable here to share.
It's not easy sometimes to even pinpoint the source of the pain. I've also lost lots of friends throughout the journey, and because of mental hospital admissions. There are a lot of fairweather friends who tend to disappear in the dark moments. I'm sorry you feel defeated and that things aren't working....felt that way many times but sadly there are a lot of not so helpful treatments out there. I hope you can practise self care when you hurt so much, whatever that means to you. I know for myself when i'm struggling i tend to think I don't deserve anything nice, and i have to force myself to any pleasurable activity

[ecomama]

Hi yggy

You sound like you've been doing a lot! I admire your resilience through all this stuff and reaching back out to a forum that helped you before, maybe THIS forum can help you again.

Would you like to talk more about what you mean by losing a war against yourself?

A friend of mine recently said that I'm too hard on myself, that I push myself beyond what others would.

Somehow I thought I HAD to, to get better, to get things in my life better, to rise above it or whatever else etc.... sometimes we are mistaken.
My friend said "How about you spend just ONE afternoon treating yourself as you would me, if I came over upset" I tried that. I ran myself a hot bath, made myself warm cups of tea, phoned a long lost friend, watched comedies all night long.

I see you have taken your MH journey very seriously by all you've done.

Have you chilled out and learnt to relax?
Put aside time in your day to just BE.
Laughed.

Instead of thinking I'm fighting against mental illness, I've decided to embrace it. The other way was NOT working for me. I may never be totally free of this. If I'd lost the use of my legs, I'd have to learn how to LIVE anyway. That's how I'm seeing the illness(es) I have. I'm nurturing myself and it feels totally different to how I've treated myself for the longest time.

I hope you let us know how you're going.
EM

[Guest_1055]

Hi yggy,

I remember you as well. Just saying hello really. I don't have any advice or anything.

Shelley

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advise. I won’t be in touch for a little while as I’m admitted to hospital.

Stay safe, talk soon.

[Kmbx]

I feel exactly the same. Not helpful, but you’re not alone and I send my best wishes for you

[Guest_2350]

I’ve been out of hospital less than a week and I’m back alone with my thoughts. I’m trying to do whatever I’ve learnt in therapy and also taking time out, but I’m already tired again of looking after myself and explaining stuff to myself. It doesn’t make sense. Will that stuff ever make sense?

[Sophie_M]

Hey yggy, a warm welcome back to the forums, we're glad to see you back. We're so sorry to hear your struggling with difficult thoughts again so soon out of the hospital. We can imagine this would be really disheartening and we're sorry things didn't improve more for you. Please know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.