Marriage problems

[Elsam]

I have been with my husband 25 years, i feel like I do still love him but hate him at the same time for the way he treats me and destroys our life. We have been together 25 years and there has been a long history of Domestic violence, abuse, cheating and dishonesty. I cannot trust him.
The violence has now stopped but he has now started with emotional abuse.
I left him in August last year and then he begged me to come home after 8 weeks, I finally came home because he promised me the world (all fake promises, just telling me what I wanted to hear).
By Christmas he abandoned me on Boxing Day for 2 months, I never saw him and he never spoke to me for the 2 mths.
February I went to see a Solicitor and they sent him a serious letter, he then called the Solicitor saying he wanted to work things out with me.
My brother has just passed away and now he has abandoned me again and I have not seen or spoken to him for the last 3 weeks.
I cannot go on like this but I am suffering from depression and PTSD from the trauma he has put me through. He is a narcissist and very controlling and manipulative.
He is good at Gaslighting and giving me this silent treatment to make me feel guilty so I come crawling back to him! It is just a cycle of abuse that never ends
I just don’t know how I am ever going to get away and feel as though I can survive on my own I am so scared. He has made me co-dependant.
I want to be on my own and he happy but feel like I still love my husband but cannot keep letting him treat me the way he does.
Does anyone have any experience with this abandonment? Is it another form of abuse? He never used to do this before?

I have tried for so long to get him to address our issues and problems and attend marriage counselling together but he just runs away from the truth all the time!

We are living separately in the same house!
I just don’t know what to try next or who to turn to, it is always me making the effort in this marriage

[Sophie_M]

Hi Elsam, 

We are so sorry to hear that your relationship has been abusive. We understand that after 25 years in this relationship it must be an overwhelming prospect to end it. We are also so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. We can hear that this is a really tough time for you and you're wanting to feel happy on your own but feeling quite scared at the prospect. Please know that you are strong and you are valuable. You don't have to do this alone.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

"Moving on after leavging emotionally abusive relationship" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotiona...

"Trying to end an abusive relationship"
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

"Reset button"
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOn...

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

[Elsam]

Is there any face to face support to help you get away from this Domestic violence?
I am sick and tired of the phone calls, talking to someone over the phone us not of any help in a serious DV situation

[Sophie_M]

Hi Elsam, Thanks for reaching out. There is face-to-face support available. We understand that phone counselling is not sufficient to support someone escaping domestic violence. However, calling these helplines offers more than just phone counselling. These helplines are available to provide advice refer you to face-to-face services which are most appropriate for you in your unique situation, and accessible to you in your local area. This is something we are unable to do on the forums as we need to protect your privacy and not reveal your location in accordance with our Community Guidelines. Our forums are a great place to give and receive support from others who are or have experienced something similar to you. They are not, however, immediate or a substitute for counselling. We'd strongly recommend you reach out to 1800RESPECT and let them know what kind of support you feel would best suit you.

If at any point you feel that you are in danger, this is an emergency and we would urge you to contact 000 (triple zero) . We hope you'll find our valued forums community helpful as this is a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place.

[Elsam]

Thank you for the support I am just lost and do not know what to do or who to turn to for help.
I have been seeing my Solicitor to try and deal with my husband but it is very expensive.
Is there any type of mediation for these situations?
My husband has not spoken to me since the 19th April and I have not seen him at all since then. He just does what he wants and comes and goes as he pleases coming home at 1 and 4 am in the morning. We live in the same house but I am upstairs and he is downstairs. He is just so manipulating and always wants everything his way!
I am trying so hard to stand my ground because I always end up giving in to him and then we just end up in a viscous cycle and emotional roller coaster and nothing ever gets resolved.
It kills me to think about ending my marriage but I cannot keep going on like this, it is not normal. I want to have a happy marriage with my husband but he just never lets us be happy because he can never do the right thing!

I just don’t know what else to try???

[Elsam]

I have asked him to attend marriage counselling once a week for 6 mths and for him to attend a Men’s Behavioural change program.
He came back and said he would agree to attend marriage counselling once a month.

Do I stand my ground to make him agree to weekly marriage counselling? He is just so controlling and always wants everything his way, I am over it.

It is always me making the effort in this marriage and he just takes advantage because he thinks I will not leave.

[GimZim]

Hey Elsam

I'm sorry about what you're going through, this all sounds horrible. The only advice I really have is to get him into an appointment with you and organise with the counsellor how frequently you have appointments and how you schedule them and so on. If a third party is telling him (and you) to come once a week or fortnight, whatever, maybe he'll take it differently than just from you. I'd honestly be most worried about getting him to the first one.

I hope the counselling helps.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Eslam,

I am sorry you are living through all this. My heart goes out to you.

You may find this helpful. Search online for Dr Les Carter. He has a ytube channel. This physcharist was recommended to me to help me understand narcissism. I don't know if your hubby has this, but if he does this may shed some light for you. There is quite a few talks on there.

You can find him on ytube below

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw

Shell

[geoff]

Hello Elsam, and have been reading your thread but haven't replied because there has been many links etc provided, however, my wife left me taking our sons, several times mainly because I was running hotels, and it was up to me to get her back, which wasn't easy, but we achieved a great deal once we were out of the hospitality business and have been divorced for quite a while.

What I've learnt is that you maybe able to change someone temporarily, but there is a difference between encouraging them to be their best self and trying to completely change who they are.

He may agree at this point of time, to go to marriage counselling, but on the actual day, this could completely change.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Elsam]

Thank you

Yes he is definitely narcissistic, he would not treat me this way if he wasn’t. Everything he does he blames me for all the time. I am suffering terrible guilt from him blaming me for everything he does. I have suffered 20 years or violent DV for no reason and now it has turned into emotional abuse. I just don’t know what to try next! It is always me making the effort for both of us! I can’t do it anymore but I do love my husband. I don’t know if it is love or just habit that we have been together 25 yrs 😢😢😢😢