Living with PTSD for 54 years

[PamelaR]

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

[Doolhof]

Dear Tony,

From the perspective of once being a child and needing my parents to be there for me, maybe the best you can do right now is just let your daughter know how much you love and care for her and that you are there for her.

You may not have the words to say to her verbally, but your written word is strong and so wonderfully meaningful.

Maybe you could write one of your beautiful poems to her, one about have the courage to let go of expectations, being true to who she is right now, healing and building herself up again.

We can not change what has happened in the past. We can soften the memories, take the sting out of the hurt and pain and try to make each day as we desire it to be.

It seems like your daughter needs to let out all the pain, to grieve for all that she may feel she has missed out on or has been hurt by, and to learn techniques to help her through each day. Not easy at all I know!

She is very fortunate to have you Tony! Look after yourself in all of this as well. It must not be easy seeing someone you love going through such a tough time.

Thinking of you both, cheers from Dools

[PamelaR]

Hello Mrs Dools

Thanks for the invite to read your response to Amanda. Sorry I haven't responded before now. Yesterday when I read your post and a couple of others, it left me very sad for you all. I wanted time to think about how to best respond to you all.

One of the biggest things for me is - have a wonderful husband. I forget that many women don't have that. And visa versa, many men, don't have good wives. I'm just one of the lucky ones.

You talked about wanting to adopt or foster - it is sad and unfortunate that your husband did not share the same feelings, thoughts and have the same wants. That makes everyones life very difficult. My own experience is, we talked about adoption and fostering. First off, when we were looking in Qld the waiting list was 10 years, we were 38 and you couldn't adopt after 40. Overseas adoptions was far to expensive for us to think about. And we both worked so foster caring was not really an option because those children needed so much care. Though, in many ways I believe I may have talked my husband into not trying any harder. For example we could have explored other states etc. He could have given up work (I earnt the most money). I think the reality was - it was all too painful for me. Don't know how your husband is. Especially when he is obviously someone you cannot communicate with.

It is good you have the opportunity to have children over and have many toys around for them. It has turned out that many of our friends these days are either childless or have grown up children. Must say I love my neighbours children on all sides. They're lovely and play out the front of our yard where it's a safe place.

Does your husband still work? Do you work or did you have a career?

[PamelaR]

Hi all

It's been so many months since I wrote in this post. So much has happened and so much is still the same.

I was triggered about 4 weeks or more ago now by the death in my hubby's family. The symptoms of anxiety and the slippery slope into depression are on the brink. However, I became aware of it fairly soon. The telltale signs of unexplained anger, the irritability, the closing down (hiding away, not socialising), the hyper vigilance each begin to become apparent. In isolation I tend to ignore them, but now they have all popped up and so I needed to make an urgent visit to my psych.

Thankfully he had a cancellation. I kind of knew that the trigger was the death and it triggered the memory of my mother saying to me and my younger brother (I was about 11 or 12 and he was 5 or 6) - 'why wasn't it one of you who died. Why did he (meaning God) have to take the best son'. Ouch, that hurt. I have remembered this over the years, but this time it had much more impact.

My psych explained that those words were spoken when all sorts of traumas had happened to me - my rape, my brother dying, my other brother leaving the house. At the age of 11 / 12 is when your frontal lobe is developing.

• The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that controls important cognitive skills in humans, such as emotional expression, problem solving, memory, language, judgment, and sexual behaviors. It is, in essence, the “control panel” of our personality and our ability to communicate.

He explained this is the type when you develop core beliefs about yourself. It's very true. I believe I could have done a lot more in my life intellectually. But I didn't because of those beliefs in myself - not worth living, not worth the effort to give love and support to, I was a terrible person because my mother rejected me so much. This is the basis of part of my anxiety and depression. It has not helped me to develop my full potential. It keeps pulling me down whenever I think I can start to make something of myself.

It is truly hard to shift, or change the shape of my core belief. This sudden death in the family meant to me - why wasn't it me? She/he (God) should have taken me! How come I'm still alive, breathing, taking up space?

You know what I really hate or find difficult? That's building myself up after I've torn myself down. It's such hard work. Those are the times I'd like to toss in the towel. But I don't. I rebuild my self image - over time and come out sparkling 🙂

PamelaR