Living with PTSD for 54 years

[PamelaR]

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

[white knight]

Hi Pamela,

I was riveted to the screen and so sad to read of your ordeal. I'm sorry, as an adult I'd like to represent all the responsible caring adults out there and apologise for what happened to you when you were a little girl.

I'm not fully familiar with PTSD but I think from a peer group members viewpoint some of the things that can help you are along the same lines. This entailed having radical ideas. It could be time for change.

So, to explain this further here are some threads that might help.

Use Google

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can save your life- beyondblue

you can repost in those threads or repost here.

thankyou for sharing your story.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Pamela,

Welcome to the forum and the community here. The human mind is amazing regarding its capacity to shut memories away for so long only to allow them to be triggered decades later or forgotten completely. It must have been quite a shock for you to recall those vents from your childhood.

I'd like to encourage you to continue with your counselling. Do you have an opportunity to see someone different or can you tell this one what you would prefer to happen during your sessions? I had a psychologist I did not find helpful until one day I read out a list of issues I wanted help with and the things I did not find helpful in her sessions.

Regarding the neighbours arguing and triggering emotions with-in you, when that happens can you find a way to stop your thoughts from becoming upsetting and negative? Can you tell yourself something like "Oh. Those two are at it again like a couple of tom cats" or something of your choice to take the sting out.

There is a thread buried somewhere here on this forum about "SLEEP". People have posted helpful ideas on that during the past. Unlike Tony WK I am not good at directing people to other threads!

Would it help to set up a routine around bed time, have a hot shower, do some light stretches, read a book, listen to peaceful music and so on. It may take a while to get into a "normal" sleep mode again considering the hours you are now sleeping.

Do you have hobbies and interests that distract you and add positivity to your day? I like doing a variety of different crafts but find it difficult to get enthusiastic about them most days! I usually enjoy gardening as well.

There may be people worse off than you and me, that is true. It does help though to have your own issues validated, acknowledged, listened to and accepted as being real. Not so we can wallow in them, but so we can move through them!

Cheers to you from Dools

[PamelaR]

Thank you Doolhof

I found your post very encouraging. Sleep - yoga, meditation, relaxation, medication..... Have tried them all over the years. Have come to the realisation that the 'normal hours of sleeping have been set by a regime that maintains sleep during these hours'. However, speaking to many people sleep is not necessarily naturally between the hours of 10pm-6am. LOL, I grew up playing board and card games with my siblings and parents (during the school holidays and weekends) until the wee hours. From about 12 y.o. i used to wait up for my father who worked nights and came home at 2/3am in the morning to use his asthmas inhaler. In hindsight it was to ensure I was SAFE.

[PamelaR]

Thank you Tony! You've certainly thought about a response to my post. Google is something that I use all the time. To be honest, I don't actually worry. I have nothing to worry about. There are many distractions bn my life. After retiring, I've become engrossed with photography and spend my time in nature (and at times with people) taking photographs and editing them in lightroom and photoshop. I'm a member of a 2 groups that compliment my activities.I've set up regular contact with colleagues from my work and sought out my school mates. We are now meeting on a 2 monthly basis. So overall, I'm 'pretty good' and doing 'all the right' things. However, PTSD doesn't stop for anything. I was at the shops today and someone made this 'huge' banging sound. It left me triggered. All my lovely activities and mindfulness don't help when i'm triggered. That's what PTSD is all about.

[PamelaR]

Routines - yes, I've had wonderful routines to sleep. Showers, that aren't too hot, not reading in bed (bed is for sleeping). I've tried them all. When I'm not sleepy, i'm not sleepy!! During my 20s I used to go to discos until the early hours of the morning. So, being 'nocturnal' is almost natural for me. Doesn't help when your partner is a 5-6am riser ( LOL - we've been together 35 years). In retirement though, he'd like to see me up and about earlier to 'do stuff'.

[PamelaR]

Thank you White Knight. Your apology is receive with the love it was sent and your suggestions are greatly appreciated. I'm now familiar with PTSD - wish I wasn't, but life wasn't meant to be easy. My life has been good compared to some of the others I read about. As my counsellors say - I've been very lucky not to have ended up a drug addict, alcoholic, or worse. I put this down to not remembering!! Had I remembered I could not have coped. Symptoms of PTSD have been there for a long time, but, I have managed....hmmm.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pamela,

It sounds like you are able to do so very much to help yourself, congratulations to you. As you also wrote, sleep does not have to be between the hours of 10 p.m. and 7.00 a.m. So long as you manage to get enough sleep that is the main thing.

I do know of some people who sleep better from about 4.00 a.m. to 1.00 p.m. Guess you just have to work it all out with the people who live with you. My husband would love to sleep those hours, only problem is Saturdays he starts work at 7.00 a.m.

Unfortunately all the strategies in the world may not help you when those overpowering emotions and feelings from PTSD hit you. Hopefully you have learned skills that will help you to recover quickly after the event.

You might like to share more of things that have benefited you with others so they too can learn what may help them.

Cheers from Doolhof

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Pam,

I can relate, I think some of us with PTSD are pretty creative and talented at avoiding feeling our feelings. I think I have most of the techniques very well sorted, from dark humour, to minimising, drinking, creating chaos, and making life so demanding and distracting I cannot dwell. I think I do all of the things.

But sometimes life gets still, I feel very safe. And it starts with dreams with me. I always remember my dreams. I sometimes wake up crying or shaking. I don't exactly avoid memories or truth, I usually embrace that. But I think I avoid my feelings surrounding memories, trauma, sexual assault, child abuse, parental abandonment, and a lot more.

There was one time, last year, during a very major life crisis, I had too many sleepless nights, and then I had my first proper mental breakdown. I got triggered so much, I think something like `my filter' got broken, and all the major traumas in my life came flooding in. I was so distressed, for 3 days I couldn't talk or read, i thought I was fading and going to collapse. Random GP thought I'm a mental basket case, wants to section me and put me on bipolar drugs to make me look and feel even more crazy. But I had enough wits about me to see what he was doing. And my pharmacist was smart enough to question the prescription, he said it was off label not the sort of thing I should take.

I spent 2 weeks solid crying, because all my super ninja avoidant skills were just gone. I felt all of it, all of it at once. I think it happened, because I'd got too good at avoiding what needed attending to. And it built up that much. And I almost got put in a mental institution, by a bad Doctor who had no clue.

That really scared me, made me realize I have to not let it build up like that. I'm trying to feel again. In normal life, I feel other people and I feel animals. But I can't feel me.

[PamelaR]

OMG Bindi, you are so right. Being creative about how to avoid feelings is one of my greatest achievements. Anything to avoid - moving house, moving states, travelling Australia, travelling overseas.... All those things keep you busy so you don't have to think or feel. Now that I've retired, it is interesting. Can't keep running. Can't keep travelling - can't afford it. Time to allow those feelings to happen. It's frightening I guess. I don't like the feelings, but more to the point, as a child feeling was not something good. Hiding my feelings kept me safe. But I'm no longer that little girl, I no longer have a mother to admonish me. I have the love of my husband and felines (and a broad network of friends). They help me through everything.