Living with PTSD for 54 years

[PamelaR]

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pamela, Bindi, Emily and All,

When out walking sometimes I have taken an umbrella. Not one of those collapsible ones, but one with a long handle and a pointy end. They are great protection from the sun, the rain and anything else that might be lurking around out there.

Strangely enough it has been my husband's insecurities that have prevented me from going walking some times.

Maybe a whistle to blow very loudly might help with feeling heard if needed, walking poles, borrowing a neighbour's dog each day or joining a walking group, all might be beneficial.

Cheers from Dools

[PamelaR]

Hiya Bindi, Emily and all

Bindi I feel for you and angry at the perpetrators. Being trapped indoors must be a little soul destroying for you. However you are obviously very busy - all your animals, birds and your business. I'm in awe. I believe you have the inner strength and commitment to get back out there. It will take time but out there you'll be. Not sure if you like photography or not, but there is a Facebook page - Nature of Australia and Friends Abroad that is really focussed on 'nature' - all things. It is a closed group and you have to join, but you can stay as anonymous as you want. You can see all the photos people are taking, the walks they're going on.

I really like Doolhof's suggestion about carrying an umbrella and whistle - way to go!! Just remember - short walks to start with (borrowing a neighbour's dog).

Emily, you are a really active person. All those physical pursuits - wonderful and fantastic to hear you're 10 months sober. Good on you! I know what you mean about stopping and thinking and the bigger one - feeling. I retired recently. Before I retired I had my life planned out what I was going to do, when I was going to do it. Hmmm, about 2 months into retirement, I had a fall while doing astrophotography, then another fall a week later. Worst one of my life. Nothing broken (thank goodness), but it stopped my physical activities and of course my body went into a PTSD response. So I'm just working myself out. My role in the team at work and at home has been one of the strategist, the innovator, the creator. I like to leave the mundane stuff of working out the details of how to do it for others. While working I was surrounding by people who loved to do this, my husband is not quite that organised. LOL. We'll get there.

Thank you Bindi, Emily and Doolhof for taking the time to read, think and respond. It would be good to hear from you again to see how you're travelling.

[white knight]

Hi everyone

I just want to thank everyone here for your help in my understandingof ptsd.

My loving daughter has just been ingormed she can no longer work as a teacher due to her ptsd and major depression.

Reading this thread since my initial reply has really opened my eyes.

Thankyou PamelaR, Bundi, Mrs Dools and others

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Tony,

Really sorry to read your news. I hope your daughter is able to receive all the help, encouragement, treatment and awareness she needs to be able to go get her through what she is dealing with.

Depression and PTSD can affect us all differently. It is such a shame she has to give up her career as a teacher in order to recover.

Is it possible for your daughter to take a term off work and then be reconsidered for teaching or is that not an option?

The more you read and learn about PTSD, the more you will be able to help and understand your daughter's issues.

Wishing you both all the best! Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi PamelaR,

Just noticed that Tony has re-booted this thread. Also noticed I had not reconnected with you from your last post here back in January!

How are you going at present?

Friends of ours have recently had a baby. I am really happy for them and look forward to seeing the baby. At the same time it triggers my depression and PTSD over the still births of our babies. I thought I had gotten over all of that, but it doesn't seem like that is the case.

I need to keep working on my coping skills and find ways to deal with these happenings in life.

That is one thing with mental health issues, we do not know when we will be triggered, so we need to be prepared and have some strategies available to help us through!

Cheers all from Dools

[PamelaR]

Thank you White Knight. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Such a difficult time for her and for you too. Sending virtual hugs (hope you like hugs).

I'm assuming it is the work she does as a teacher that triggers her ptsd. That would be very difficult, especially if she liked her job. Perhaps she can look at doing something different in the future once things have settled and she can manage the triggers.

There is a tread for managing ptsd that you may find useful. There has been lots of contributors on that thread also.

My thoughts are with you Tony. Feel free to ask any questions on either this thread or the other thread.

PamelaR

[PamelaR]

Hi Dools

Thank you for asking after me! Yeh, I'm travelling okay. Though a little anxious because today I have 4 lunch guests. So I'm procrastinating at the moment by reading posts 🙂

So sorry to hear about you being triggered by the birth of your friends' baby. That is so difficult. Sending you all the virtual hugs you need (only if you like hugs of course). I don't get triggered by babies, in fact I usually am very happy to have a cuddle. I did a lot of work with a psychologist following my last still born (even before knowing all my other life traumas) because we decided to cease trying. I think the other reason I'm not triggered is, because for 4 years or more I helped my husband through his grieving process over our children. At that time he wouldn't (or couldn't because he would sat there like a stunned mullet) see anyone. So I relived each miscarriage and premature births time and time again for a number of years. In a way it inevitably helped me. Though I did finally convince my husband to see someone.

My heart goes out to you Dool. It's a sad place to be. And you are so right about not knowing when you'll get triggered. Having coping strategies does help though. Takes the sting out of it a bit. One thing I've learnt is - talking about it (whatever the trigger is) helps to release some of the emotions and feelings.

Cheers

PamelaR

[Doolhof]

Dear PamelaR,

All the best with your luncheon. I sent you a short post in the BB Café. Hope you don't mind the joke about us all coming to your place for lunch! I do realise such an event can be very traumatic for some people.

I usually find waiting for people to arrive is the worst. Once they are all there, I usually relax and enjoy myself.

Thanks for the hugs, I do greatly appreciate them and your sharing and understanding as well. My husband never saw our babies, did not attend the funerals, never mentions them at all and doesn't like me to either. That is okay. We all deal with these issues differently.

I have a girlfriend whom I can share my thoughts and feelings with. She has live children and never lost a child, but she tries to understand. A grief counsellor I went to told me I should be thankful I don't have children and had no idea why I was grieving something that never existed. I walked out and didn't return.

Coping with these things makes us stronger! It has given me greater understanding of how other people may feel dealing with their life issues!

Hope you have a wonderful time with your friends!

Cheers from Dools

[PamelaR]

Hi everyone, all welcome to provide input to this thread.

Dools, loved your lunch invitation. LOL. If you hadn't worked out yet, I do have an enormous sense of humour. You can hear me laughing at the end of the street. My husband says he can always find me in the supermarket by my laugh. Hmmm, it was said in the nicest possible way. And not that I walk through the supermarket laughing my head off either.

I'm all prepared and sitting waiting now.... In terms of food, we all bring a plate to share which works out well. No one is left having to do all the cooking. So someone does starters, accompaniment to main, desert. The person hosting the lunch does the main. Works out well. We always end up with far too much food though.

Ahhh, you have had a hard time of it. It must be so difficult not being able to talk about it with your husband. He is missing out on so much the poor dear. The grief counsellor was worth the effort hey. You did very well in walking out, I would have too. I'm glad you have a friend to talk with even though she doesn't quite understand.

If it's not to painful for you, how long ago was it that your baby was still born? Do they know what happened?

[Guest8901]

Hi Pamela, and thanks for the input to join in the discussion here.

I can relate to living with ptsd for a long time. For me it started in my 20's after a major traumatic event, and I'm now in my late 40's. So nowhere near the 54 years that you've had to live with it for. And I've only just been diagnosed with PTSD, after resisting the need to seek help for many years.

So I'm just posting here so I can follow along with the discussion, and hopefully learn from it. Hope you dont mind?

Dools, I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your babies. I'm not a Mum either, as my husband did not want children. So I understand not having babies, but for very different reasons. I cannot imagine what you would have gone through when losing not just one baby, but several. My heart aches for you. I realise time helps to dull the pain of loss, but it never goes away. We all learn to cope in whatever way we can.

Tony WK - sorry to hear about your daughter and her diagnosis. Sounds like she's to take an additional hit with the loss of her teaching career. Hard to take, but no choice if her career causes additional distress. I'm sure she's a clever lady and will bounce back and find another career she loves, which does not have the triggering consequences that teaching does for her now. If your support on the forums is any guide, I feel quite sure that you are a wonderful support and source of sound advice for her.

I'll return when I have something constructive to say, but will be following the discussion in the meantime.

Amanda