Living with PTSD for 54 years

[PamelaR]

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

[topsy_]

Hi Bindi & Pamela

I can so relate to not wanting to feel. Everyone advises to get outside & go walking or gardening etc. But if I go walking I will feel the sun or the wind, feel puffed from lack of fitness, & will feel vulnerable & unsafe because I will be so “visible”.

So I don’t go outside anymore than I must. My body remembers & I don’t want to risk remembering more than I do already.

Take care both of you, Lyn.

[PamelaR]

Hello Topsy

I know what you mean about feeling the wind and sun. I like to stay snug in bed on windy days and always keep in the shade when outside. I do venture out though. Walking is really good for my mental health - it helps clear away the cobwebs, revitalises me. I used to swim all the time too, but stopped that, probably when I first started remembering and the feelings became overwhelming. But walking I've maintained. I don't get that sense of 'visible' that you talk about when you go out. I love to get out and about.

I certainly know what you mean about the body remembering - it doesn't forget anything. To be kind to my body, soul and mind, I've done some body work e.g. rheki, acupuncture, massage, relaxation. Acupuncture and massage have been the best. Funny though, I haven't been for awhile. Maybe it's time for a session.

[PamelaR]

I'm back again Topsy.

Something in your reply made me want to say more. You talk about the risk of remembering if you venture outside. I take this to mean the sun and wind on your skin makes you feel unsafe and vulnerable. Or is it the sense of feeling visible. Have you thought whether your puffed feeling could be an anxiety attack as opposed to lack of fitness?? Maybe a visit to the GP might help determine what's happening??

You take care too Lyn.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Topsy and Pam!

Lyn, were you a victim of sexual assault, is the kind of fear you have about being visible? Or is it something else, from being abused and hurt by your parent?

I feel I am in constant battle between what I really need in the present, and what the `traumatised' me needs. I'm trying to be more conscious about it, but I really struggle. `Traumatised me' is probably part little girl, part young adult. I think those were times I was most traumatized.

I struggle with outdoors and visibility too. Its weird, i love walking and riding my bike and used to love swimming, just like you Pam. I love the feeling of having a strong healthy body. But these past years, my partner and I have moved further out from city. Its a beautiful place to walk, birds everywhere, rainforest, its just stunning. But there are more open spaces, lots of places for a man to hide and grab me. And I've been grabbed off the street doing regular excercise twice in my life. Everyone says sexual assault is usually from people you know, but these were strangers, and I was just taking walk or a jog for fitness.

Now I get panic attacks to the point of almost fainting if I'm passing any man on the street, and there's noone else about. I feel most comfortable when men's eyes aren't on me, I think I keep a bit of weight on for that. And I hate the extra weight too, the way relatives and acquainences look down on me and reject me. And yet, the feeling of safety it gives me is the stronger feeling. Eyes off me, that how i feel safe. Maybe if noone notices. Maybe if I could build tunnels underground and creep about in darkness, that would by dream existence. Or maybe I just need to carry a sword. If only that were legal.

[bindi-QLD]

Pam, I was wondering, too, how to feel safe when you are outdoors, do you live in a safe area, or do you just have more practice with being outside? I really want to overcome my problem, I think for too long I stopped trying.

[PamelaR]

Bindi, my feeling safe outside is from childhood. I used to walk or cycle to school. I frequently rode my bicycle around our suburb exploring the neighbourhood. In those days there weren't many houses around, a few dirt tracks. Regularly walked 3km with friends to our local swimming pool on the weekend. More importantly when my parents were arguing I'd run down the street and sit and wait for the fight to be over. So outside has always been safer for me. In addition though, being hyper vigilant makes be very aware of my surroundings when I'm outside. I always carry my mobile phone (to be on the phone making a call if I see someone walking my way) and keys (to use as a weapon). The area I currently live is suburban with a park track around the back of the houses. Never far from calling for help. I frequently walk with my husband when there is light, early morning or just before sunset. Some strategies you might think about to start you getting back to the outside - take a friend, walk along lighted streets preferably with cars passing and homes close by or alternatively walk in shopping centre (join a walking group - google info for walking group in your area), never listen to music while walking. Start out small. Do little trips, build up your confidence. It's a bit like desensitising yourself to something your afraid of.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Pam,

Thank you, those are really good suggestions, I think I can understand your affinity with the outdoors, when you put it in context of your parents arguments. I can understand why `away from home' felt like a safe place.

I was a great explorer too as a kid, and travelled alone in Asia as a young adult. I was never afraid, perhaps I should have been though.

Where I live now is overall a good, safe suburb, but houses are sparse, perhaps semi rural would be the way I'd describe it. There's still lots of hidey spots for imaginery sexual predators to hide. I notice a lot of women walking alone with dogs, that makes sense, though I am not in a position to own one.

I wish I could carry pepper spray, but even that is illegal.

[PamelaR]

Hi Bindi, It does make it difficult when you are afraid of imaginery sexual predators out there hiding. Ugh. The reality is there could be so I've been known to carry WD40 in my bag for emergencies, e.g. stuck doors in barns or houses (but in reality for protection)? Semi rural does make things tough.

You've indicated you travelled a lot as a young adult and perhaps not as wary as you could have been. Obviously something horrible happened. I see why it must be so difficult to go outside. Thank goodness that wasn't my experience as I love the outdoors. Wow Bindi, how awful is that for you? It must be hard for you.

[bindi-QLD]

Hiya Pam,

Thank you:) Yeah I love the outdoors, I feel happiest in wildness spots and places where there is an abundance of life. I liked the throngs of people In Asia, and the innocent friendliness and good will of so many people. And the landscapes were spectacular. I love all kinds of critters and birds, that makes being in nature very fullfilling for me.

What I did a lot as an young adult was take off alone to bush walk, climb mountains, and sometimes camp alone too. I never had any problems , weirdly. If I met people, they took good care of me and some became long term freinds. The sexual assaults were unexpected. One was on a jogging path in my home town, that I had jogged for ten years since I was a kid. I couldn't believe it happened. The other was in broad daylight, in the botancial gardens near the uni was going to. Lots of people were around, I don't know what I could have done to avoid it. Both times, the worst part was being overpowered and feeling like my life was threatened. You never know what someone that predatory will do to you.

I think I may have some WD40, that I could keep in a pouch for emergency `barn door fixing'. It might help give me a little bit of confidence back. I know you're right, about taking baby steps. I'm am sick of waking early each day, seeing the beautiful colour in the sky as the sun rises, looking at the mist over the mountain, and aching to be `out there'. And just not feeling safe enough to do it.

[Emily___________]

Hi Bindi and Pamela (and others),

I responded to a different thread (I'm new to the forums), but reading your posts here made me feel like posting a reply here.

I love the outdoors too, and am a very active person (I'm in my late 20s).

I have similar thoughts or feelings of being unsafe, because of multiple occasions of assault/trauma, many of which occurred outdoors. I wear steel capped boots everywhere - that's one of my 'protective measures', and they're also required for my job, so I think that's a coping mechanism that makes me feel more safe.

I have realised recently that through the Xmas and New Year period, my first sober in 14 years, having just been diagnosed with PTSD, and starting new medication, that not having something to do with my time, or my day, is a huge problem.

I'm not very good at sitting still, sticking with one thing, and the idea of a 'normal, regular routine' actually really scares me.

But I've realised that because of my active physical lifestyle, both in my job and just generally (running, gymnastics, self defence and martial arts, parkour, netball etc etc), my brain is used to a certain amount of exercise. Chemically and psychologically. So now if I'm feeling dark, I can sometimes force myself to do some physical exercise, and that does help.

So if I have a day where nothing solid is planned, I always overbook myself so that I don't have to stop and think. I'm only just starting to take some time to sit still and focus on a task or mindfulness.

Sorry for the rant. It's really good to hear I'm not alone in what I'm experiencing.

I do feel scared, now that I'm not drinking (10 months sober now!) or doing any drugs other than those prescribed, and living in the same place for more than 6 months. I guess as my psychologist said in one of our early sessions, it's a journey, and it'll be a long journey.

I'm just used to 'fixing' things and moving on or running away from trauma, and to sit with it and truly try and work through it is actually the hardest thing I've ever done - which seems bizzare given the trauma I've been through.

Thank you all for sharing. I hope things get better.