Living with PTSD for 54 years

[PamelaR]

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

[white knight]

Hi Amanda, Pamela and Mrs Dools

It might be odd but in person or on the phone trying to give support to loved ones is harder for me than online. I still support her though but I have limited capacity in that due to my own battles.

My daughter is 28yo, recently married to a bonzer, supporyive bloke. Her issues arent directly from teaching, more her past.

At 7yo I left the family home after 11 years of emotional abuse and a plan of ending my life. A week later I left. When she got to 12yo she left her mother to live with me such was our closeness. A defacto I was living with did not accept my children so my eldest went through a lot of turmoil over the following years. This defacto is respinsible for a lot of the damage. She was a closet alcoholic and agressive. My daughter severed her relationship with her birth mother at around 19yo and the rift is permanent, the same with her younger sister. Both are toxic, emotionally cruel in their tactics. I know too well.

For the last 8 years Ive been with my amazing 2nd wife. She has a truly close relationship with my daughter. So we are very close to her. She doesnt feel worthy in life, has triggers all the time and following conflict feel she was wrong.

She also has severe depression.

Her crying episodes are heavy, long and debilitating. There is little chamce of returning to teaching. Ive been frank with her, that she shouldnt worry about her profession.

I admit I know little about ptsd. Like me she has always been highly emotional and there are similarities to when I was her age. I have bp2, depression, dysthymia,anxiety. But bipolar has been ruled out.

She is under a psychiatrist, taking high dosage of medications etc.

I love her so much. But I cant fix her.

Tony WK

[Guest8901]

I'm really sorry to hear all that Tony. Sounds like your daughter has wonderful support in her husband, as well as you and your amazing 2nd wife. I'm sure all will be okay for her. Having adequate support means a heck of a lot. No you can't fix her, but you can do everything in your ability to help her improve her life by receiving appropriate treatment, and supporting her through the tough times. Wishing you both the absolute best.

Amanda

[PamelaR]

Hi Tony

I've just wrote you a long email in response to yours, but I lost it because the wifi dropped out. If it's okay with you I might wait till tomorrow to resend (if I can remember everything i said) - and also in the hope that the post is waiting to be checked.... She says hopefully. So I'll come back here tomorrow.

Virtual hugs coming your way.

[PamelaR]

Should read 'post' not 'email'.

[Doolhof]

Hi PamelaR, Mandy8 And All,

Thanks ladies for your very kind words. Last year the 3 babies who died during childbirth would have been 16, 18 and 21! I also had 2 miscarriages when with my first husband.

Thankfully last year I saw a male psychologist who helped me deal with my unresolved grief, to grow though the memories and to come out the other side feeling a little less beat up.

It is hard to deal with the triggers at times. At least I know what they are and how best to help myself...most of the time.

I volunteer in an Op Shop once a week. I will ask the parents if I can approach their children and say hello and chat with them. One day I was sitting on the floor of the Op Shop with a young boy playing SNAP while his Mum enjoyed shopping. She could hear us, there was so much laughter, anyone could have heard us!

Moments like that make my day.

When our cat died a few years ago, my husband cried for weeks. I wonder if part of that was the grief he does not want to recognise inside himself. He loves the cat we have now and is very concerned if he can not find her when he gets up. She is an indoor cat so she has to be somewhere!

The more I learn about a condition, the better I understand it, the better I am able to help myself and others who may be going through something similar.

Thanks again ladies, cheers to you, from Dools

[Guest8901]

Oh dear Mrs Dools. How sad, all milestone birthdays - 16, 18 and 21. I'm so pleased however that you are still able to enjoy time with other peoples children, without it hurting too much. I wonder, did you ever consider adoption or fostering, or would that have just been way too hard for you and your husband?

Your husbands despair over the lost of your cat a few years ago, could well be related to his unexpressed grief over the loss of your babies in the past.

And I am interested in what you say about the more you know about any particular condition, the better you understand it, which in turns provides you with the best chance to help yourself and others overcome the worst effects of it. I hope for me, being newly diagnosed with ptsd, that it the case for me too. I am reading a lot of ptsd threads now, and I think this is helping me to be more accepting of the condition and the related effects of it. Perhaps I will start being less critical of myself and a little kinder and more understanding of my shortcomings and perceived failures, in future.

I hope today is a good day for you all here. Kindest wishes.

Amanda

[PamelaR]

Good morning all.

Hi Tony

My thoughts are with you. You and your daughter are having a hard time of it now and in the past. Such difficult times, especially when you are possibly feeling responsible and guilty for how your daughter is. In a way its good to know you realise you can't fix your daughter because in my experience people have to do that themselves with the support from others.

I'm just wondering though whether there isn't something you and she can do for one another to help on her journey and your own. There are a number of options to assist with your face to face, telephone difficulties. I bet you've already thought of some of these -

you're a brilliant writer, why not write down what you want to say and keep it handy when you're on the phone?

see a counsellor (MH therapist) together?

start an email thread focussed on supporting her (also remember that this can also be a good opportunity for yourself to heal as well)?

maybe your second wife may help you to talk with her?

You are a wonderful support to everyone on these forums White Knight. E.g. do you have a current 'wellness plan'. Maybe revisit it and see if there's anything you need to update.

You're a survivor. Look how far you've come in your life and focus on your achievements!! It must be so good to have a loving wife now. That is so lovely.

[PamelaR]

Hi everyone

Dools, oh, what can I say. 16, 18, 21 - lovely ages they would have been. From my own life, there is generally nothing anyone can say that will take away that pain or sadness. It should get easier as time goes on, but somehow it doesn't. Although, in the last 5 years, since we started to celebrate our would have been 35 year old's birthday by raising a glass of wine and acknowledging her short lived existence, the pain is a little less and the sadness not so great.

It is good you are able to get exposure to children in the op shop and that you love to play SNAP with them. How lovely are you!! You're a treasure for mothers out there needing to get their shopping done.

I know about crying for pets. I cried for one of my cats much more than I ever grieved for my mother. I don't believe this was misplaced grief. My cat gave me everything my mother never did - love, comfort, soothing, friendship, companionship. He was a great loss. Our two now, are never far out of our sight. If one or the other escape while on their supervised walkies my husband is not settled until he's found them. They are our world.

Your husband, if he's anything like your used to be stereotypical Aussie male, has buried his emotions for your babies.

I was very forceful with my husband to open up - it took me 20 years. The last few of those years I really pushed his buttons to get him to grieve. Then of course, he spent years grieving with only me as his support. But while it was painful, loads of crying, sobbing - the relief for him and for myself was worth all those years of emotional turmoil.

How often do you work in the op shop? Obviously it is a good place for you to be and gives you those special moments. Lovely to hear Dools.

[Doolhof]

Hi Amanada,

Thanks again for more lovely kind words and sentiment. Yes, I did seriously consider adoption and fostering. I had all the paper work sent out to me for both options, asked about adoptions with in Australia and overseas. I spoke to my husband about all of this and he said NO.

I had the choice to leave him seek out another relationship, try again for children, with someone else's children or what ever, but stayed with my husband.

I sought other options. I invited friends with children to our home, I baby sat when ever I could, helped out at Sunday School, worked in child care and generally made it known with girlfriends, that I enjoyed being with their children. I looked after nieces and nephews a lot as well.

In some ways I still feel very broken hearted, then I think of all the wonderful children I have met in my life and I am so very thankful.

Regarding learning, I will look in the library to see if there are different books on depression available. When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder I bought a book on that condition and borrowed books from the library as well.

I use the BPD book as reference sometimes. When I think my thoughts an actions are becoming a bit obscure, I will have a read in the book, think, okay, that can be sort of normal for a person with BPD, how can I make that situation more user friendly for myself.

Knowledge helps me with better understanding of how I tick and why!

Happy reading and learning! Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi PamelaR,

I've just posted a reply to Amanda sharing more of my story, you are welcome to read that. I did have a girlfriend who was also unable to have children. It made her very sad and bitter in some ways. She never wanted to have anything to do with other people's children. I understood her, and felt sorry for her as well.

I felt she was missing out on so much in her life. We had other people's children over so often I had a cupboard full of toys! I do enjoy the interaction with people's children in the Op Shop. I do ask the parents first though, as I had one Mum who dragged her child away after I said hello to him.

The Op shop is open 4 days a week. They have set rosters and don't seem to like people venturing from one day to next so I just stick to my one day. I'm looking for work, so don't want to do too many volunteer roles in case I have to give them up and put people out.

My husband doesn't do too well if any of his buttons are pushed! Ha. Ha. Best not to got here!

Cheers to you from Dools