Paralysed

[JJJ1]

Trying to get over a recent assault. I havent been able to tell anyone I know. I tried writing how I feel and this explains a little.

Paralysed


I try to lock it deep inside and throw away the key.
But somehow it escapes and takes hold of me.
By strange sounds in the house and strangers getting close.
I start to panic and shake in fear.


Back to when i thought i had control,
but you overpowered me and took away my choice.


As pressure builds, the weaker i become.
Paralysed in fear, i lay there in disgust.
For my bad judgment i feel guilt and shame.
Of how i couldn’t stop you,
I must have done something wrong.


But ive lost a piece of me and you should be the one to blame.
For how long will this trap me?
Can I come out on top of this mind game?

[Croix]

Dear JJJ1~

Welcome here to the forum, it is a gentle place where there are many with all sorts of experiences. Unfortunately yours happens. And it can, at least for a while, be a life-changing event. I'm so sorry it happened to you. You are right in one thing you said

But ive lost a piece of me and you should be the one to blame

You wrote it all out wonderfully and captured so many of those feelings. I do not know why but when it happens part of the mind descends into self blame, or thinking one is a lesser sort of person, and sees difficulties on dealing with it as a failure. It all makes seeking hep and understanding so much more difficult.

That piece can be restored.

Can I suggest that if you are not already under treatment from someone who specializes in the sort of event you lived though then it is time to start. Having a professional with experience can make a world of difference. Although my events were not the same as yours I simply did not improve without that help.

If you find it hard to say anything face to face printing out your post and showing it would be plenty to start with.

I also had support at home. Do you have people to care and support you? Trying to deal with things alone is horrible.

It does get far better, life does not go on as miserable as it is now. I've accomplishment, interest, love and feel valued. You can get there too.

You know you can talk here anytime, you are among friends.

Croix

[Idkme]

Hi JJJ1,

I felt that piece of prose.... it evokes so many emotions... I feel anger at someone who could do that to you, I feel sorry that you have to suffer and continue to suffer, I feel hope that you can see that you need to process this, and I feel worried that you are blaming yourself.

You are not alone, there are so many people that experience things that bad people do, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a survivor of their bad choices. I hope you can find an opportunity to process your experience with someone... The helplines are a good start, as are the many psychologists who are trained to deal with these mixed emotions and try to help us process them and make some sense of them.

And keep writing... it seems you have a gift for it... maybe keep sharing new ones here if it helps...

Kindest regards,

[monkey_magic]

Hi JJJ1,

It's brave that you have opened up. Exactly you SURVIVED and the BLAME is on the perpetrator.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

There are times we are overpowered. Some people physically fight and do all that they can and are still overpowered. Unfortunately BAD things happen to GOOD people.

You can regain your power. Have you thought about justice at all? Like talking to the police about what happened.

You are anonymous here.

I hope u can find lots of support and be able to one day put all this behind you. It can rule you or you can start and rebuild yourself to rule it. You might feel like you are going crazy at times and that's OK.

Be sure to call the BB line, lifeline 131114 or 1800 respect. Get as much spiritual and emotional support that u can.

We are always here too. We care and understand. You've been through a very hard thing and it would be a good support to not do it alone.

MM