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PTSD and trauma

A space for discussing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), domestic abuse, sexual abuse and other trauma. Please note some content may be distressing.

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Hopee Need help telling my psychologist about past trauma
  • replies: 7

Hi, So I’m new here to beyondblue and I was wondering if any of you could give me advice on how to tell my psychologist about trauma from when I was younger. I currently see her for pretty bad social anxiety so I already find it really difficult to t... View more

Hi, So I’m new here to beyondblue and I was wondering if any of you could give me advice on how to tell my psychologist about trauma from when I was younger. I currently see her for pretty bad social anxiety so I already find it really difficult to talk to her, but recently over the past few months memories of the trauma have resurfaced causing me problems like flashbacks and sleep problems and other issues. I've tried to tell her a few times but I keep freaking out and end up not saying it, even though I know I probably should tell her because I have a feeling that it’s the cause of my depression and anxiety issues to some degree, since they started shortly after the events had ended. So yeah, I just came on here to ask if any of you have any advice or anything on how I could go about telling her, or even if I should tell her. thanks

MSGH631 Opening up about past sexual abuse?
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I'm a 17 year old boy - and today I am finally reaching out. In recent years gone by, I have started to confront a lot of my suppressed childhood trauma (which has been both difficult and enlightening). The most difficult aspect however, wo... View more

Hi there, I'm a 17 year old boy - and today I am finally reaching out. In recent years gone by, I have started to confront a lot of my suppressed childhood trauma (which has been both difficult and enlightening). The most difficult aspect however, would definitely be coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused from the ages of 8-14 by four different people - despite family & friends not knowing at all. I think that this realisation is mainly due to the fact that I have become less naive, and more aware. I have begun to notice that a lot of my deep-rooted fears surrounding intimacy stem from this, and all I want is closure and to overcome this. My main question is how do I open up to family & friends about being sexually abused on multiple occasions? It happened so long ago, and I fear that they won't believe me. More importantly, I worry that it will cause family conflict mainly due to the fact that one of my abusers was a cousin. Also, how should I go about revealing this to my psychologist despite having seen her for months now?

brownhairedgirl Does anyone have any advice on how to get the words out and allow someone who truly does care in?
  • replies: 4

hello discovered these forums last night during a sleepless night that seems to be a thing with my current depressive episode. i've never been successful in long term relationships. They get to about the 2-3 year mark and dissolve. My boyfriends are ... View more

hello discovered these forums last night during a sleepless night that seems to be a thing with my current depressive episode. i've never been successful in long term relationships. They get to about the 2-3 year mark and dissolve. My boyfriends are always lovely blokes, we don't fight and scream at each other and the relationships have ended amicably. After 5 years single, concentrating on staying well, living life and building my small business i met a wonderful man with 2 children about 18 mths ago. We all adore each other and i actually felt that for the first time in my life i was part of a wonderful happy functional family and that i had a happy future ahead. In October my beloved Dad passed away. The earth stopped spinning and my internal world imploded. He was elderly but in general good health for his age. His decline was rapid and his passing was a shock. Rationally i know that is the trigger to my current depressive episode. I am very very sad and can't seem to get passed his death. My sadness and emptiness has been going on since then and it is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and his children. I'm no fun to be around, mostly low in mood and not chatty so i usually end up going home to my place so as not to make everyone else miserable. Sometimes i can fake a more positive mood but it doesn't last more than a week or so then i'm back low. i just want to be by myself. My boyfriend and his children have been pretty understanding giving me space and time to get over it but i can tell that he is getting frustrated with me and is almost at the end of his tether. The up and down of my moods are taking their toll on our relationship. I've tried to open a dialogue with him to explain how i'm feeling and whats going through my mind but i don't know how to really get it going into any depth.I feel that he also doesn't know what to do with me or how to deal with me. he says go to the doctor and get it sorted. Im in the process of that but it is taking time to get into an appointment via the ATAPS . I'm trying to get myself sorted but i'm very fearful i'm ruining a relationship i love very much and i don't know if i can live with myself if i do that. It would be the biggest regret of my life and crush my already bruised and battered heart. I don't want to lose another good man in my life. Does anyone have any advice on how to get the words out and allow someone who truly does care in? Peace x

ElyseH Not myself
  • replies: 5

A few nights ago the last thing I recall was turning the tv off and intending to go to bed....next thing it's 10am and I'm sprawled out on one of the single recliners woth the WORST headache ever and crying. My housemate came down from breaky at 8ish... View more

A few nights ago the last thing I recall was turning the tv off and intending to go to bed....next thing it's 10am and I'm sprawled out on one of the single recliners woth the WORST headache ever and crying. My housemate came down from breaky at 8ish and said I was in my bed then. She must have dozed off briefly cos she doesn't recall hearing me go down the stairs. I have been taking medication for a long time now and this is the first time anything like this has happened. I have never sleep walked that i know of. Since this episode I have felt strange. Not myself not real nothing is real to me. I have not been through any excessive stress recently, only when I was a child was sexually abused. Im going to see my dr today but then m freaking out and scared. Could it be delayed sorta feelings from childhood trauma?

Kelizabeth Is it my fault?
  • replies: 4

I'm 6 months down from meeting a man who has broken my spirit and taken everything from me. I've been emotionally abused for 6 long months and even now I've left him his words still torture me. I remember meeting him and he was so charming and he bui... View more

I'm 6 months down from meeting a man who has broken my spirit and taken everything from me. I've been emotionally abused for 6 long months and even now I've left him his words still torture me. I remember meeting him and he was so charming and he built me up so far telling me how fantastic I was, how clever I was, how special I was. I feel so stupid because I fell for it all. One fight was all it took...one fight where he was 6 hours late to pick me up but somehow I ended up apologising for meeting up with my married friend (cheating he said). I still can't believe how quickly I turned into someone who couldn't stand up for myself. What followed was months of "I'm not sure I can handle you", " You're a lunatic", "You never want sex, I used to love it until you came along", " You're petty", " You're an idiot" among other insults and put downs. The compliments stopped and they were replaced by constant criticism and avoidance. Unless of course I'd done something "wrong" like dare to call him out on things he was doing. I now know he was on dating apps and sleeping with other people unprotected the entire time and have had to go and get myself tested, I can't have sex anymore because I'm too afraid and I've ended up with vaginismus. The few times I've stood up for myself and said he did the wrong thing I've been met with accusations of " you always spin things to suit you" and "you put words in my mouth" followed by assertions I never deserved him or anyone. He has messaged anyone I've talked to, messaged my friends to discredit me, threatened to report me to my workplace. I'm terrified and I feel like a fool, somehow he's made me believe this is my fault, that I'm the horrendous person he made me out to be. Every single thing he's ever done he's justified by pointing out some flaw in me. I suppose I just need some support and someone to try and convince me I didn't do anything wrong because being here at rock bottom and hating and blaming myself is torture.

liefde3 abandonment issues
  • replies: 3

I suffer from PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse. Recently my partners work hours increased which means I have been seeing him less and as a result my anxiety has been triggered and escalated to a point where I fear leaving the house and on s... View more

I suffer from PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse. Recently my partners work hours increased which means I have been seeing him less and as a result my anxiety has been triggered and escalated to a point where I fear leaving the house and on some days am afraid to even leave our bedroom. I'm aware that my fear of abandonment comes from the fear of being unsafe, it makes sense, whenever the people I trusted and relied on were gone when I was a child were the times when I was abused. Even though I'm now an adult and the abuse is over I still fear that bad things will happen when I'm alone, I watch the clock until my partner comes home from work fearing that he won't come home at all, feel guilty for having symptoms and get angry at myself when my strategies don't work... Anyone dealt with or dealing with a similar issue?

Tj2018 I left an abusive relationship but I have feelings of regret.
  • replies: 10

On New Years 2018 I caught my ex boyfriend cheating on me. He was extremely drunk and assualted me, damaged my car, stole my property and threatened to kill me. In the past I have tried to split with him due to his controlling and manipulative behavi... View more

On New Years 2018 I caught my ex boyfriend cheating on me. He was extremely drunk and assualted me, damaged my car, stole my property and threatened to kill me. In the past I have tried to split with him due to his controlling and manipulative behaviour but he always did things such as trying to commit suicide or make me feel guilty so I’d be forced to stay with him. I did love him and we had planned such an amazing future together, but I’m struggling to keep myself from trying to contact him despite the fact that I have gotten an intervention order against him. He took our dog who was my baby and I still feel as though I want to sit down and talk to him about everything that’s happened. I don’t know if these feelings are due to the fact that I’m naive to what has happened or they are just part of the grieving process. I feel embarrassed and ashamed from what has happened and I’m feeling quite alone despite friends and family trying to be there for me. Can anyone give some advice or relate to the emotions I’m feeling right now?

Chel-sea Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship
  • replies: 3

I am hoping to get some advice from people who have been in a similar situation. I very recently left my partner of 12 years, who I share 3 children with, due to the relationship being toxic and unhealthy for both me and the children. During the cour... View more

I am hoping to get some advice from people who have been in a similar situation. I very recently left my partner of 12 years, who I share 3 children with, due to the relationship being toxic and unhealthy for both me and the children. During the course of our relationship he was very controlling, very jealous and insecure (went through my mobile daily), and I let him mold me into what he needed me to be - an extension of him - instead of being my own self. My own opinions, views, values, dreams and aspirations always came second to his or were completely wrong in his eyes - he could never see my side or see a different point of view other than his own. I could never say no to him, because if i did it was days and days of him punishing me by being abusive, ignoring and being horrible to me. I could never say no to sex, because it meant i didn't love him and he would sulk for days. If he wanted to buy something or spend money, even if it was ridiculous or we were broke, I couldn't say no for the same reasons. I don't know when or how it happened, but I eventually gave up. I gave up having an opinion, I gave up having a voice, and I gave up trying. I would just agree with everything he said. I never said no to sex, and there were times when I remember lying there just hoping he would finish quickly. When I started working again all the jealousy, insecurities and controlling behaviour came to blows and we had some very violent and aggressive arguments - some in front of the children - and I decided it was enough and it was over. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, to split up my family, to put my children through divorce and pain, and to cause extreme hurt to my husband - whom i still loved but could no longer be with. I'm now struggling to move forward, and have been so tempted at times to go back to him so that I can stop hurting. I never wanted this to happen. I am also struggling with finding myself, and who i am anymore. I feel like i have lost who i really am and i dont really know how to find that again. It has been 12 years of this abuse and I'm struggling to break all the bad habits i have made. I'm still living my life trying not to do things that might upset him - making sure i always have my phone on me just incase, making sure the house is clean etc. And i dont know how to break that pattern. I was hoping that perhaps others can relate and perhaps offer some advice to help me get through this tough time.

Lady_Stardust Never told
  • replies: 4

Hey, everyone. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. A large part of my brain is screaming for me not to because it fears that my family will somehow find this and realise that it’s me. But I have to say something under the cover of a username. I... View more

Hey, everyone. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. A large part of my brain is screaming for me not to because it fears that my family will somehow find this and realise that it’s me. But I have to say something under the cover of a username. It took me over half an hour to hit the post button, my heart was pounding. I am afraid because I’ve never told them that I was assaulted over a decade ago (seven years old? Eight? Either one) and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to. After many years, I was able to tell a very close friend of mine. I feel that’s a healthy step in the right direction, but I’ve never been able to verbalise or even hint at it to a psychologist. When I’ve seen a professional, it’s right there, in my mind. ‘I was assaulted when I was a child’. It’s right there, and sometimes it even manages to reach the back of my throat, but it gets trapped there. I don’t know why. I feel like I should be over it by now. I feel like I should be able to say, hey, it’s in the past, I’m an adult now. And for the most part, I don’t think about it, it’s not on my mind. I can go months and months without the memory appearing and my stomach twisting in anger because I should have done something instead of freezing like I did. But something triggers it and it reminds me, and I feel sick all over again, and like I just want to run up to the first person I see and tell them. I find men approaching me when I’m alone is something that both sets off my anxiety and my desire to fight if necessary. They could just be asking the time and I’d still have that reaction. Sometimes I wish they would try something, just so I could be justified in hurting them. There is an anger, very much alive in me. Then there’s things like being told I should get a pap smear because that’s important, but the thought of it makes me panic internally. I don’t want someone touching me, I don’t want to be exposed like that. It is important for my health, but I don’t want to. I am sick of these triggers and sick of being afraid and sick of keeping it locked inside where it chips away at me, surely sometimes without my knowledge. Maybe now that I’ve told you, it won’t get stuck anymore. Maybe I wrote this, disregarding the screaming of my brain, because I want my family to find out. Is that selfish of me? They’re good people, of course, and I’m sure they’d find a way to blame themselves. Is it selfish of me? I don’t know. I’m not sure. I hope not. I just don’t want to be sick anymore.

Somebodyhelp Hard to articulate
  • replies: 1

Hello, I am struggling to articulate what I want to say. I always seem very confused with how I feel about things and situations so in turn I act and behave in ways I’m not sure is “correct”. Ahhh.. I’ll give an example. I have 3 babies and separated... View more

Hello, I am struggling to articulate what I want to say. I always seem very confused with how I feel about things and situations so in turn I act and behave in ways I’m not sure is “correct”. Ahhh.. I’ll give an example. I have 3 babies and separated from my husband about 7 months ago. My oldest son (4) his biological father called me last week for the first time EVER. My husband took me in when I was pregnant and signed the birth certificate etc. I have been flooded with emotions, since he has called - happiness mostly. I adore this man... or do I? He is the most unstable, irrational and irratic human. He has been wondering why I am not mad at him and surprised I have reacted kindly. Everyone else has also wondered why I didn’t tell him to get lost, also. Why? I think I still love him.. Or am I just afraid he is going to leave my life at the drop of a hat again? I don’t know.. i don’t know how I feel. Why aren’t I mad at this man for leaving me and my baby whilst I was pregnant? Why do I forgive him so easily and he doesn’t even have to work for it. Why do I want to see him so badly?! Do I love him or am I just insecure? I want to make sure I keep things nice so he doesn’t disappear again. WHY do I care if he disappears again? Is it love or insecurity.. It’s killing me. I don’t know how to set up boundaries properly and the only thing I don’t want is for him to drop me and my son like a hot potato again.