PTSD and Trauma

I do believe that I was in a very Manipulative Narcissistic Relationship

replies: 68

Someone told me about Beyondblue, so I joined in today, as I think I really needed help even just to talk to someone, in regard of what I’m going through now. I was living with my man for more than 5 years and I realised and do believe that he’s suff... View more

Someone told me about Beyondblue, so I joined in today, as I think I really needed help even just to talk to someone, in regard of what I’m going through now. I was living with my man for more than 5 years and I realised and do believe that he’s suffered with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I know I can’t diagnose someone with such an illness without professional test, but after with him in a period of time he has all the symptoms known to man. Five years ago our relationship starts so amazing and wonderful, and I even thought I’d meet my soulmate. He’ll do anything & everything for me, very protective, very thoughtful, sending dozens roses to work. After 6 months things had changed showing the red flags he has the control of everything from the food shopping, the food we eat, all of our financials we have joint account, he’ll decide what clothes I wear, which friends I can see. My son (not his son) moved out as my partner has an OCD problem, and he use it as his ticket just to nagged us and told us how dirty we were. In the last couple years situations gotten worsts it’s gone from south to north. He became very verbally abusive, put me down, nagger, call me names, counting everything he does, and me not doing anything. I feel like walking on eggshells, there’s a time when I sat down in sofa after work, I have to get up quickly pretend I’m doing something when he arrive home. Because he’ll get up me for sitting in the lounge and not doing anything. There’s a time that we had screaming match and he’d told me that he wishes me to die and rot somewhere. I haven’t told any of my family members about this as I was so embarrassed. I’d hang on to this relationship because we bought a property together with my only deposit in it in the beginning of the relationship. He’d manipulate me to change job from good paying nurse to poorly paid labourer Now I moved out as our relationship becomes so intense, toxic and violent he keeps knives under bed,pillow spare gun in the bedroom, also I found a hidden camera in my room. I don’t trust him anymore, I felt so violated I don’t know what to do as he wanted me to go back. If not he’ll make the sale of the property so difficult.I love him with all of me. Now he’s angry, makes me feel guilty for leaving him & not talking to me. I feel so bad and worried about him, I’m so confused, Please anyone can help me think through as I’m very confused not coping well. I want to moved on but it’s so hard. Thanks Beyondblue, Sadgina

How much more can I take?

replies: 3

I’m a Firefighter with the CFA and I’ve only been in this role for a year now. I joined at the minimum age of 16 and it’s been a rewarding career that has had some severely dark sides to it. Since I’ve been in the CFA I have been to 45 vehicle accide... View more

I’m a Firefighter with the CFA and I’ve only been in this role for a year now. I joined at the minimum age of 16 and it’s been a rewarding career that has had some severely dark sides to it. Since I’ve been in the CFA I have been to 45 vehicle accidents which 4 of those were fatalities, I’ve been to plenty of fires which some have had a good ending others haven’t and I’ve been to many jobs where people have taken their own life. At my age I have seen things that nobody should ever see. when I joined I thought that I would be much resistant to what I see.. I was wrong just about every night I either go to sleep shaking, or I’m restless in my sleep, sometimes I’m even violent in my sleep there’s been a few nights that I’ve accidentally harmed my girlfriend in my sleep and have hurt her to the point she doesn’t want to sleep next to me for a few days.. I hate it but I can’t help it, I have nights where I go to bed in tears and I’m feeling completely empty with the thought of just ending it all as my only option. One part of me just wants to die just so I can have a break from it all.. The other half of me reminds me of how that would impact my loved ones but that part of me gets weaker and weaker.. I don’t know how much more I can take and I’m reaching out for an answer right now because this is my last resort. I’m in tears as I write this because Ive always wanted to help people but by doing so I’m tearing myself apart.

Childhood abuse needing to face it

replies: 15

I need some guidance, help, suggestions. I was abused as a child. One of my abusers went on to become a policeman in Victoria, he has since retired. He was my brother, was because I have nothing to do with him. The last time I confronted him he denie... View more

I need some guidance, help, suggestions. I was abused as a child. One of my abusers went on to become a policeman in Victoria, he has since retired. He was my brother, was because I have nothing to do with him. The last time I confronted him he denied the abuse, I told him I wanted to go to the police and discuss it, he laughed at me and told me they wouldn't do anything because he was one of them and they protect there own. Then he hung up. I have picked up the phone a few times but dont know what department or who to talk to. Is he telling it true that they wont listen to me because he was a policeman. I need to deal with this issue, it haunts me, and I need some peace of mind. I just dont know what to do. Do I push it to the back recesses of my mind, or do I try and be listened to. I dont even know what could be done if they listened to me, if anything could be done. I know it plays over and over, and my other concern is that he has granddaughters as well, are they in any danger. Any suggestions, I would be grateful.

PTSD and Employer Disclosure

replies: 4

Hi everyone, I have a long standing complex trauma PTSD diagnosis and I am currently looking for a new job. I was wondering what your personal experiences are in disclosing your diagnosis to potential employers. Have you disclosed to employers? Did y... View more

Hi everyone, I have a long standing complex trauma PTSD diagnosis and I am currently looking for a new job. I was wondering what your personal experiences are in disclosing your diagnosis to potential employers. Have you disclosed to employers? Did you choose not to? In the past I have not told anyone I worked with and it has become a horrible surprise for all parties when a panic attack is incidentally triggered. I don’t feel shame around my diagnosis, but I do fear discrimination. I am aware there are laws against discrimination based on disability, but I feel there are so many ways to get around it in practice. Any thoughts/ideas are much appreciated

Paralysed

replies: 3

Trying to get over a recent assault. I havent been able to tell anyone I know. I tried writing how I feel and this explains a little. Paralysed I try to lock it deep inside and throw away the key. But somehow it escapes and takes hold of me. By stran... View more

Trying to get over a recent assault. I havent been able to tell anyone I know. I tried writing how I feel and this explains a little. Paralysed I try to lock it deep inside and throw away the key. But somehow it escapes and takes hold of me. By strange sounds in the house and strangers getting close. I start to panic and shake in fear. Back to when i thought i had control, but you overpowered me and took away my choice. As pressure builds, the weaker i become. Paralysed in fear, i lay there in disgust. For my bad judgment i feel guilt and shame. Of how i couldn’t stop you, I must have done something wrong. But ive lost a piece of me and you should be the one to blame. For how long will this trap me? Can I come out on top of this mind game?

Living with PTSD for 54 years

replies: 42

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I develope... View more

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

Triggers and how to cope with PTSD attack

replies: 3

Hello, i am new to this but here goes. I need help coping and strategies to deal with a PTSD attack. I experienced physical and mental trauma when I was younger and I also watched my little brother be beaten and there wasn’t much I could do to stop i... View more

Hello, i am new to this but here goes. I need help coping and strategies to deal with a PTSD attack. I experienced physical and mental trauma when I was younger and I also watched my little brother be beaten and there wasn’t much I could do to stop it or protect him. As I got a lot older I distance myself from my mother and more recently removed her from my life as I released evey time she would contact me I would have memories, flash backs and dreams. Things have been good but my mother has been trying to reach me to talk to me the last two days and tonight when I went to have a shower all these memories things I have tried to forget are trying to flood back in. I feel panicked and scared, ashamed and I feel this crazy urge to protect my family despite logically knowing she is a very long way away from me. Is there anything I can do to stop the memories I have identified my mother and showers are triggers. I have a vividly horrible memory of my brother being hurt in the shower which sometimes plagued my mind and is usually the first memory. I recently also had a little fire scare in my house and completely over reacted and then I had a flash back of when a pot was on fire when I was little and I was left to deal with it. Although this last memory is inspiring me to be a firefighter the other memories I have a very crippling effect. I don’t want to remember and I want to stop the memories and the overwhelming feeling of all these emotions.

Shouted and swore at boss

replies: 8

Hi. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and subsequent anxiety following the death of my mum who I cared for for the last 10 years of her life. Since this, I have had a hard last 18months - illness and surgeries in my immediate family, health scares, oth... View more

Hi. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and subsequent anxiety following the death of my mum who I cared for for the last 10 years of her life. Since this, I have had a hard last 18months - illness and surgeries in my immediate family, health scares, other deaths. I regularly have help but this happened just last week and I have to return to work before my next appointment. I am a teacher and work to improve teaching so work with adults more than kids. I let fly (in a phone call from my boss) when others told me it was their understanding that I would be doing something completely different to what I had just organised with my boss. I’m not worried about what I said but rather how I said it - yelling, crying and swearing - not at him personally but rather how I felt about the situation that had come about. I received an email from my boss which acknowledged my ranting thoughts (he is well aware of my diagnosis) but I’m not sure what I should do? He stated that he wants to chat with me about the situation and other things when I’m ready to talk. I’m very embarrassed and not proud of how I said things and anxious about how much I should say to him. I feel I need to apologise about the ranting. But I want to make it clear that I’m not apologising about what I said. Really anxious about how much and what I should say. Any suggestions with this is greatly appreciated Fuffi

Post traumatic symptoms

replies: 4

New to this, sharing is difficult for me - usually involved shame in my past. finding it difficult to concentrate, high level of anxiety and quick to become irritated. Also, nerves are shot. recent complex bereavement; ever since, the above symptoms.... View more

New to this, sharing is difficult for me - usually involved shame in my past. finding it difficult to concentrate, high level of anxiety and quick to become irritated. Also, nerves are shot. recent complex bereavement; ever since, the above symptoms. just feel tired and a bit despairing too. wish I had something positive to share but not at the moment!

Writing a letter to my parents, my mum in particular

replies: 3

"I'm writing to you because it is easiest for me. You may call it cowardly but that's your opinion. It's less scary and causes me less anxiety to do it this way. You have conditioned me to fear confrontation and cry as soon as I hear shouting. You ha... View more

"I'm writing to you because it is easiest for me. You may call it cowardly but that's your opinion. It's less scary and causes me less anxiety to do it this way. You have conditioned me to fear confrontation and cry as soon as I hear shouting. You have been a good parent to me for the most parts, providing for me and (My sister). But you've also done some horrible things. Shouting and insulting me until I'm in tears and then getting more angry when I start crying. A mother's natural response to their child in distress should be to comfort them, not to shout or sometimes laugh and ridicule them. And to be more specific, the reason I've been avoiding you and dad is from the other day. Dad threatened to hurt me. He threatened to kill his own daughter. Over some cats. I understand I took it too far, and I was stopping as I had previously told you. But that doesn't justify what he said to me, or how I'm being treated. And it doesnt justify you allowing him to say that to me. Arent you worried that your husband threatened to kill me? You know why I kept cat sitting for as long as I did, you know how difficult it is for me to get a job, to talk to people, to make friends. I was doing my best to make an income and get through uni. You seem to forget how stressful university actually is, and how much work I have to put in. I will apologise for what has happened with the cats, as I have in the past. The only reason foxy was out was to make dad happy. But I will not apologise for being upset, scared, and avoiding you. If you can't understand why then there isn't much more I can say. I'm telling you all of this because despite what has happened you're still my parents and I want to continue to have a relationship with you two. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me to help me become who I am. But if you can't see that what happened was wrong, I'm not sure what more I can do. I have other people that will care for me and protect me. I'm not trapped here. And if you're confused about anything, I'm happy to have someone else talk to you about it too. Because you laugh this off and forget about it, but I don't. This is serious and effects my life. "

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

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