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Sophie_M If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Aus... View more

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Australia and we extend our heartfelt condolences to the individuals and families affected by this tragedy. We wanted to create a space where you can share whatever you’re feeling - whether that’s fear, shock, grief, or anything else that has come up for you. If you need support from others in the community, please feel welcome to post here. Violence and acts of terror can bring feelings of shock, grief, profound sadness, anger and fear. It’s normal to experience these emotions while trying to make sense of distressing events. It may take time for these feelings to ease, but it’s never too early to seek support if you are feeling distressed. Beyond Blue is here for you anytime, by phone on 1300 224 636 or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor You can also support those around you by being available to them and listening. Thank you for being such an important part of this community, and for the kindness, honesty, and wisdom you continue to share with each other. We remind the community that Beyond Blue is here for all people in Australia, no matter what you believe, how you live or who you worship. Kind regards Sophie M

A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Deliver Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse)
  • replies: 1

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. M... View more

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. My father blamed me. I was then housebound for 5 years with severe anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder and agoraphobia. I had a surgery which caused massive haemorrgage when I was alone at home recovering, and I nearly died. I then lived in a psychiatric unit for a while due to severe anxiety (permanent panic state that didn't ease for weeks). I had a couple of older boyfriends from age 13-15 who used me sexually then left. Then I started a relationship with my ex husband at 15 and he was 21. We met online and he eventually moved to Australia and we got married when I was 20. He was ok at first but down the track, he would call me names, laughed when I cried, hit and pushed me etc. He wouldn't work and I had to work really hard in a physical job to support us both. I was also doing a degree so I was busy/stressed, I cried every night for years. He would not do housework, I did everything. He started drinking heavy and doing drugs. That's when I started drinking too. That went on for 8 years of "marriage". I had to throw out most of my belongings/furniture and moved into a small bedroom in a relative's house. My ex came with me as I was still too weak to get rid of him. The violence got worse and he'd abuse me in the middle of the night. Then finally I kicked him out. I then started another relationship with a long term friend 2.5 years ago, slowly, with extreme caution, and miraculously it became my first healthy relationship. He's truly the love of my life, an amazing man. I had a bout of stress recently with having to leave a job I was at for 8 years, dog died, health scares etc. But life started to settle down now and I was feeling better but still binge drinking. I started cutting back and was feeling better, but then went on a bender and felt awful after. I decided to fully stop, figured I'd start feeling better as usual, but I'm just not. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still so dizzy that it's hard to walk, stumbling, severe fatigue where I stay in bed whenever I'm not at work, high blood pressure, chest tightness. It's hard to function. I'm terrified I caused brain damage. Doctors aren't taking it seriously. I'm finding it so hard to cope and crying every day. I'm scared I've ruined everything. What's happening

Raffijane Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child
  • replies: 5

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and crue... View more

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and cruelest person I know. She has isolated all her 4 adult children and trashed every one of us to anyone who will listen. We are estranged from each other and other family. I just need somewhere public to vent this. To read the words and on some level validate this for me. I struggle with every close relationship driven myself hard to carve out a very successful career. I have had a family-two adult children, I have a marriage and possibly from the outside look 'normal'. Inside I am hurt and every bit an abused child. I feel so lacking in the skills and everyday relationship require. I am self doubt, anxiety, depression on anti-depressants & very lonely. I struggle to have close friends and I have issues with intimacy. Despite being the peacemaker, the organiser, the helper, the court jester and anything else required of me I have always been the greatest disappointment to my mother. I grew up with judgement, hatred, spite, raw emotion, jealously and constant need being placed upon me. I don't talk to my mother anymore. Its been 12 months. She is in her late 70's and as she has gotten older has become more vicious and devious. My father died 20 years ago and despite her claiming he ruined her life since his death her life has got worse and unraveled into something so feral and nasty I miss having a relationship with a parent, with my mother more than anything. My childhood has left me with deep deficits. As the oldest child of 4 I very quickly became the abandoned pet when the other children were born and nothing has ever been good enough, valuable enough ever to capture her attention. I have no concept that a woman who claims to value family above all else has destroyed it and destroyed individuals as much as she possibly could to maintain control.I feel like I have no support. No one has my back. No one loves me with such fierce unconditional love (like a parent should) that I am important. I feel alone, lonely, sad, damaged and closed off. My memories are all yelling, screaming, gutter language, abuse, household items being thrown across rooms and hatred. I have no memories of love, acceptance, fun or understanding. Does anyone have fractured complex family relationships even remotely close to this?

Leish53 Admission
  • replies: 1

I think I have struggled with alchohol for a long time but hadn't been willing/able to admit to it out loud. I have recently lost my mum, just 6 months ago. I have noticed i'm reaching for the Bottle in ways I have NEVER before. It's no longer social... View more

I think I have struggled with alchohol for a long time but hadn't been willing/able to admit to it out loud. I have recently lost my mum, just 6 months ago. I have noticed i'm reaching for the Bottle in ways I have NEVER before. It's no longer social which scares me. I have a loving supportive husband, 2 beautiful daughters who I adore. I guess I just want to be accountable really. I don't want my girls to see their mum as a drunk, especially as I work in Fitness and THIS is what I want them to see not the drink...

FJDad Torn and broken
  • replies: 3

Hi, I have PTSD and things are getting worse not better. brief description of why: Nov 2012: my wife confessed to a 6mth affair with a mate of mine. He has become violent and controlling so we pack up and head off to get away 36 hours later we have a... View more

Hi, I have PTSD and things are getting worse not better. brief description of why: Nov 2012: my wife confessed to a 6mth affair with a mate of mine. He has become violent and controlling so we pack up and head off to get away 36 hours later we have a major vehicle accident. My wife major injuries, my youngest daughter minor injuries and I found my eldest 9yr old daughter dead. Dec 2012 our daughter was cremated Boxing day we travel to Qld to get away and be alone Mid January 2013 we return home to find our long time family friends had emptied our house stealing anything valuable. So we returned to Qld for a sea change. Aus day 2013 get caught in Bundaberg floods and loose what was left of our belongings inc our eldest daughters photos school books etc Spend 4 yrs blaming each other for our daughter being killed in a toxic marriage Left Qld with my youngest daughter move to get away from her violent mother early 2017. My wife spoke twice to my self and my daughter in 12 mths to selfish to care generally about her daughter. Early 2018 my wife seems to be improving we start to have regular conversation by phone but my daughter still refuses to talk to her. July 2018 my wife was killed in a motorbike crash. Mother in law lied to coroner gets the body and cremated it with out my daughter being aloud to go. Mother in law is trying to get my daughter's inheritance. I'm done fighting life. I don't have the option to check out my little girl has No one but me left. She is convinced I'm going to die in a car when she's 18 as her sister died in a truck at 6 her mum on a motorbike at 12. I have no fight left what can I do. I can't give up but don't have the strength to go on. Thanks for reading FJ

Living57 My life is falling apart
  • replies: 3

No matter where I turn, or what I do, I fail. My whole life has been like that, and it's not getting any better and I am beginning to doubt it ever will. My first marriage failed. The only good thing my four children. I have no contact with my sons, ... View more

No matter where I turn, or what I do, I fail. My whole life has been like that, and it's not getting any better and I am beginning to doubt it ever will. My first marriage failed. The only good thing my four children. I have no contact with my sons, I am an embarrassment to them. I cannot change their attitude no matter what I say or do. I phone, they refuse to answer, email and even the old fashioned post, letters come back unopened. Its killing me slowly. My relationship with my eldest daughter is strained as I do not get on with her second husband, I have tried, but my tongue but then I called him out on his attitude to one on my grandchildren, his step son, well it went downhill from there, she calls it when hes not around. My youngest daughter tries, she has two young boys, both are special needs. My ex husband I wont discuss, we grew apart and I left him. my second husband died in 2015, suddenly and unexpected. He left me with debts i had to sell the house to pay off, i had no idea. lately I have secured a rental property, ready to move this week end. Ha ha!!! It should have been exciting, but I cannot get my furniture from storage as I cannot pay them. If I get it delivered I can sell the shipping container and such a lot of the contents, this will cover most of the money owed, but they wont sgree and have said they will sell my things. I told them my husband and parents ashes are in there as well as sentimental items, photos and all my documents which could allow someone to steal my identity, but they still wont agree. Another fail, by me. Everything from my childhood on, I was abused by two people, one a friend of my parents he is dead, I only hope he is rotting in hell. The other a family member who was a policeman in Vic and while denying it said the police won't do anything if I report as he was one of them, protect their own. So another fail on my part, I have to live with it. I have no contact with my siblings, my parents died while living with me, they were 87 and 89 and i didnt do enough. Fail. My late husbands children blame me for his death even it was a heart attack. Fail. I tried suicide 3 times. Fail. Car broken down, cant fix it. Fail Was assaulted, a police matter, my fault for going out to see why dog was barking. Fail. And I question my mental health and if it's all worth it. I take my meds religiously but wonder why. Cant get a loan, so an empty house for me. Fail. bloody failure, at life to my kids, to my siblings and to me.

Xxxxxx Rape [Trigger Warning]
  • replies: 14

I think I was raped and I don’t know how to feel about it

I think I was raped and I don’t know how to feel about it

Wander TRIGGER WARNING abortion and guilt
  • replies: 5

TRIGGER ⚠ Almost 2 years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy and termination. A result of my complacency. I didn't have periods and have polycystic ovaries. I hadn't been able to use hormonal contraception for 2 years at the time due to a neurological i... View more

TRIGGER ⚠ Almost 2 years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy and termination. A result of my complacency. I didn't have periods and have polycystic ovaries. I hadn't been able to use hormonal contraception for 2 years at the time due to a neurological issue, we were using other methods of contraception but obviously weren't always consistant, I didn't even think I could fall pregnant. I had just started, and still am, taking lamotrigine, which can cause birth defects (although it seems it's the least likely of the anticonvulsants to do so, if anyone has any personal experience taking lamotrigine during pregnancy I would be very interested to hear from you!). My GP supported the termination due to the risk the lamotrigine posed, and as a result of my mental state at the time. I'm not sure I made the right decision. I'm 28 now, I think I want to have children but I'm so scared. Scared of possibly coming off my medications, of their side effects if not. Scared of my ability to cope with the stress, which sets off mood episodes. Scared of regretting a decision I can't revoke (this sounds like a horrible thing to say but it's a very real fear of mine). My brother just announced he and his partner are having a baby, the first thing I felt was jealously? All I can think is that I won't be able to fall pregnant again, that I will be punished for what I've done, that it was actually the one chance I was going to have to be a mum and now I never will. I'm happy for him but I'm also deeply jealous, I cant seem focus my attention on them and not my own issues. My mum doesn't even know about my pregnancy or termination, so she's talking about her soon to be grand baby non stop and I'm struggling to maintain a happy face. I feel like a failure already and I haven't even started trying for a baby I haven't even decided I'm ready or capable of caring for. I'm so confused. Can anyone relate?

Benno28 Feeling hopeless intrusive thoughts [Trigger warning]
  • replies: 4

Hey guys I'm new to this site. I am having a very upsetting problem at the moment where I will have super violent/sexual intrusive thoughts that are really against my nature and making my life a living hell. I have hit rock bottom I am scared and afr... View more

Hey guys I'm new to this site. I am having a very upsetting problem at the moment where I will have super violent/sexual intrusive thoughts that are really against my nature and making my life a living hell. I have hit rock bottom I am scared and afraid. These thoughts only started a week ago after I remembered how they started when I was with my ex partner at the time. Anyway the other day I remembered all of this and thought to myself well I could have sick thoughts about anything so I did (to prove myself a point that thoughts are just thoughts) I just kept thinking more and more the most disgusting messed up things my mind could possibly imagine sexual/violent really evil stuff and now I'm a wreck. I have intense guilt and feel the need to confess this to my bestfriend who mind you most of these sick messed up thoughts were about and people close to her. I feel repulsed and evil the details in my mind were so graphic and sickening. I just can't confess this too her. I feel stuck I have literally spend hours upon hours worrying until I'm extremely sick. I am afraid of what the future is going to hold for me I'm loving caring want the best for everyone I am crippled in mental torment and afraid! Bit of a backroud - depression - anxiety - ocd

Sparkles109 I think he's been cheating n I'm so confused *Trigger warning - domestic abuse*
  • replies: 2

So i have always trusted my husband of 7 years although there have been times I've caught him with little white lies I always let it go coz I thought he was basically honest. Throughout our relationship he frequently stays out over night- we live in ... View more

So i have always trusted my husband of 7 years although there have been times I've caught him with little white lies I always let it go coz I thought he was basically honest. Throughout our relationship he frequently stays out over night- we live in a rural area so I say if u had a drink please don't drive. Or he claims he too tired to drive if he working quite a distance from home. In December he was supposed to be coming home from our nearest town-only 25 mins away. He then disappeared all night n his phone was off. I was at home with our 6 week old baby. Very frightened n upset I txt several of friends but none had heard from him. When he finally responded to me he claimed to b in a town an hour away n had got drunk with an old mate(someone I've met but have no contact with) he then said too drunk to drive home n was sleeping in his ute. I thought strange if he with his mate why not sleep on his lounge? following this he complained about burning when urinating I said prob an infection from too much beer. I will admit I was quite involved with being a new mum so didn't really pay as much attention as I should of. We had resumed our sex life but then on Feb I noticed things down below were a bit off n went to the Drs. I was diagnosed with gonorrea. I confronted him n he said no way had he cheated it must b a wrong diagnoses. I told him to go get the shots anyway coz if I had it he would have it. So he went Drs but apparently had clymidia??? I decided to let this go as it was too confusing n I wanted our marriage to work for the sake of our son. Anyway just recently we had to get print out of old bank statements ( we have separate accounts) n I offered to help him highlight n look for the items we were looking for in them but he got mad n hid them from me. Again I let it go. Then yesterday the statements were in my car where they got left after the appointment we needed them for n he went mad at me as to why I had them n had I looked at them. I hadn't looked but after he went out I went through them n found payments dating back to 2015 at various motels within our area. Now I have no idea what to do. My family all live overseas n I have very few friends. When we have been fighting previously he has told me I will never ever be able to take his son- he scares me. He has a violent temper n recently physically abused me in temper. He calls me names but says I make him do it coz I nag. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Tbsdy Abused at hospital
  • replies: 5

Unfortunately, my story is one where I was traumatised because I was taken to a major Sydney hospital and when I discovered I’d been “sectioned” (god I hate their shorthand) I asked repeatedly why and I got placed into the seclusion room for 5.5 hour... View more

Unfortunately, my story is one where I was traumatised because I was taken to a major Sydney hospital and when I discovered I’d been “sectioned” (god I hate their shorthand) I asked repeatedly why and I got placed into the seclusion room for 5.5 hours. In that time I had no assessments, didn’t get to go to the toilet and was humiliated in front of the full hospital who were watching me. to make things worse, the hospital’s GM repeatedly lied about the situation and claimed I was not in seclusion but was in a “dual purpose facility”. There’s a lot more, but the upshot is that I fought hard ask st the system and they have now admitted I was abused, and both the HCCC and the Local Health District has apologised to me. The issue I now have is I have a complete lack of trust in virtually all health professionals. I am incredibly angry with the way I’ve been treated, and I feel isolated from family and friends. I used to regularly attend church, but I can’t any more. I can’t go round to family events, I don’t go to social events except with very close friends, I do t like leaving the house on weekends and I don’t spend enough time with my beautiful children or my wife. I basically feel ashamed of how I have reacted, feel stigmatised by the health system, disrespected and feared even though I’m actually a very gentle person. At the same time my sense of indignity and the fact that I was blamed and ignored for three years has made me pursue this - probably to my detriment. Because there were three years where I was largely ignored and disbelieved, I have sent heaps of letters and emails to a variety of people. I haven’t had much of a choice really as until recently I was utterly ignored by the hospital (well, not just ignored but actively lied to - I writing actually), the HCCC, a private medical facility where they did very little to help me, and was told by my psychiatrist to just accept injustice. I’m not sleeping well, my mind is constantly ruminating on what happened to me, I feel equal measures fear but oddly I also feel angry and fearlessly confrontational. I have read of PTSD symptoms and I honestly think my “off switch” is broken and my anxiety has been set to 11. I woukd like like to go back to feeling like my old self, regain my dignity and be able to put the whole thing behind me but I am incapable of doing this. I thought I might post here to share my experience and try to see what responses I get from forum members.