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Sophie_M If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Aus... View more

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Australia and we extend our heartfelt condolences to the individuals and families affected by this tragedy. We wanted to create a space where you can share whatever you’re feeling - whether that’s fear, shock, grief, or anything else that has come up for you. If you need support from others in the community, please feel welcome to post here. Violence and acts of terror can bring feelings of shock, grief, profound sadness, anger and fear. It’s normal to experience these emotions while trying to make sense of distressing events. It may take time for these feelings to ease, but it’s never too early to seek support if you are feeling distressed. Beyond Blue is here for you anytime, by phone on 1300 224 636 or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor You can also support those around you by being available to them and listening. Thank you for being such an important part of this community, and for the kindness, honesty, and wisdom you continue to share with each other. We remind the community that Beyond Blue is here for all people in Australia, no matter what you believe, how you live or who you worship. Kind regards Sophie M

A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Boca Can’t control my anger
  • replies: 1

More and more, I’m seeing myself losing control in anger. Saying nasty things, yelling, unable to calm myself down. I can’t let go of things - I can think about something that happened when I was a kid (20 years ago) and feel painful anger as if it h... View more

More and more, I’m seeing myself losing control in anger. Saying nasty things, yelling, unable to calm myself down. I can’t let go of things - I can think about something that happened when I was a kid (20 years ago) and feel painful anger as if it happened five minutes ago. This week I haven’t felt happy - just angry. I have been picking fights with my boyfriend over tiny or ancient things. Our relationship has not been stable for a long time and there are times that I wonder whether some of his behaviour is emotionally/psychologically abusive. I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour - I’m including this just to give context. He insults me a lot, talks over me, puts words in my mouth, dismisses me. But when I think about us breaking up, I become extremely distressed. I don’t get it! I know I could be happier than I am but I feel panicked and distressed when he says he’s leaving. I’m in my mid-30’s - this isn’t how I pictured my myself or my life! I think I give as good as I get with him and was told by his mother earlier this year that my behaviour “shocked” her. She said I’m incredibly needy, self centered and attention seeking. She saw him yell at me and said I pushed him to that point of anger. That doesn’t feel right - that I’m responsible for his behaviour - but maybe I’m letting myself off too easily? My behaviour can be terrible and there are so many things I regret. Angry accusations said in front of his kids. She told him and she has barely spoken to me since. That’s fair enough. I’m not sure what to do to repair the relationships with his family... he says they’re all over it by now but I can’t let it go. How could I? I’m mortified by my own behaviour. And even that hasn’t stopped me. I keep losing my temper and behaving terribly. Little things just seem to hurt so much and I don’t know how to let things go I lost my temper with my sister this week when I felt that she was unfairly attacking me. I apologised the next day but I sensed that some permanent damage has been done. For more context, for 6 years I’ve have anxiety and agoraphobia, triggered by trauma. I don’t want to be like this and I don’t know how to repair the damage I’ve caused to relationships. I’ve been given a lot of chances and keep blowing them. Please help. I wish I could rewind a lot of my life and do it again. How do I go forward after all this terrible behaviour?

ImNotSure1 Recovering from an abusive religious cult
  • replies: 12

So this may be a strange issue, but I've felt like putting it into words in a place where I can get some advice maybe. My family and I have left a spiritually abusive church, which had all the signs of a cult. It's kind of difficult to describe, beca... View more

So this may be a strange issue, but I've felt like putting it into words in a place where I can get some advice maybe. My family and I have left a spiritually abusive church, which had all the signs of a cult. It's kind of difficult to describe, because it's a very under reported thing, and I don't want to get all religious on you, but it left us with some pretty bad issues. It's not due to any one event, but rather a culmination of lots of little things over the years that slowly crushed us. When we left, we felt like we were literally fleeing. We lived in this isolated bubble for almost 15 years, with no real contact with any other people except for normal day-to-day happenings at the shops, etc. That was basically it. We lived together, we homeschooled and we all worked in this "family" run business. I won't even get started on the illegal practices that went on there. All of my friends except for one, who lives interstate, were in that church, and now they are gone. They have nothing to do with us, like they don't even acknowledge us as we pass them in the shopping centre, even though we spent our lives with them. I never learnt how to make friends because there weren't any friends to make. No one came, and the people that did leave we were told to shun. Now I literally feel like an alien from another planet. I'm in this position where churches or anything remotely related to God are terrifying places for me. The symptoms are basically PTSD. To compound that, I've lost all of my friends. My closest friend lives interstate, and I'm pretty close with my sisters, but that's it. I am too scared to make any because not only am I hugely introverted, but this whole thing has left me with what must be social anxiety. Because I had to work in the aforementioned business from a young age, like 14, I was forced to grow up really quickly and now I don't relate to people my age at all because we have nothing in common. I haven't done anything they have or experienced anything "normal" teenagers would have. I don't meet new people or form deeper relationships because I feel to scared to have to confront these issues or risk being invited to church or youth or whatever and have to turn them down. I know it will get better with time, but right now I'm in a very ugly place. I don't normally post stuff like this, but I just felt like it might help. Hopefully there's someone out there who can relate or share their own similar experiences.

BeebeeG Recently diagnosed with PTSD
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I'm new to the forums so hello! I was diagnosed with PTSD about a month ago and things are hard. I don't feel any better now that there is a label on it but I'm recovering. I went looking for help just before I was diagnosed so I'm also new... View more

Hi there, I'm new to the forums so hello! I was diagnosed with PTSD about a month ago and things are hard. I don't feel any better now that there is a label on it but I'm recovering. I went looking for help just before I was diagnosed so I'm also new to therapy. I spoke to my friends briefly about seeing a therapist and being diagnosed but I don't think they understand what PTSD is and what it means to know somebody with PTSD. When I first told them, I got the response from one of them "Oh what from?" and it really made me uncomfortable. Should I have to justify my illness? I feel like they see it as invalid unless I tell them about my trauma.

Tres Lost and depressed.
  • replies: 6

Hi there, never done this before so please bear with me. i have battled depression ever since I was 13 (I’m 22) when my parents marriage blew up. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety. When I was 20 I fell in love with a man I’ve been with for a... View more

Hi there, never done this before so please bear with me. i have battled depression ever since I was 13 (I’m 22) when my parents marriage blew up. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety. When I was 20 I fell in love with a man I’ve been with for almost 3 years and over all just became generally happier in all aspects. I should mention that I began a Nursing degree at the university back in 2014. And through many ups and downs I am still completeing it to this date. Nursing was something that I fell in love with when I first visited the uni, I was instantly drawn to it and once I began the degree I had a burning passion for it day in and day out. I loved every placement I went on, even when it was stressful and overwhelming I still felt so passionate about knowing it was exactly what I was meant to be doing in life. Last year before Christmas I was raped. A man assaulted me in my own bed and I’ve never been the same. My family knows & have all been very supportive. My roommate/best friend knows, the only person who doesn’t know is my partner. I have my reasons for not telling him and it’s not something I wish to discuss at this time. Since going back to uni to complete my final semester, I have felt lost. I don’t feel the happiness I used to feel about nursing. When I went to my final placement, I experienced heavy anxiety, panic attacks and fainting spells. I explained my situation to the head of the department, she was very nice and supporting and she told me to try come back in a months time and repeat the placement. So I gratefully did. My first day back my anxiety was so high & my brain was a foggy mess. My facilitator sat me down and asked me if felt ready to become a nurse at the end of the year and I broke down. I had been feeling so lost and disconnected for so many months but it was the first time someone had asked me that. I have a lot of pressure from my dad to finish uni. Being that I was merely a couple of months away from finally finishing i know he is not gonna react nicely when I tell him I’m gonna repeat it next year and therefore won’t be graduating til next year. I’m terrified to tell my dad. I shouldn’t be, I’m 22 and it’s up to me what I do. But I am terrified. I also feel very depressed. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, I feel like I’m also a failure and a disappointment.

Sia1 My mum knew- and did nothing. *Trigger Warning: Child Abuse* 
  • replies: 3

When I was roughly 8-9 years old, my grandfather was over at our house all the time. My parents left me alone with him- not knowing what a nutcase the man was. I was continuously molested throughout my childhood. It would happen every time he was ove... View more

When I was roughly 8-9 years old, my grandfather was over at our house all the time. My parents left me alone with him- not knowing what a nutcase the man was. I was continuously molested throughout my childhood. It would happen every time he was over. I told mum and she believed me, but she wouldn't tell me dad (as it was HIS dad molesting me). I grew up in an abusive home, my mum was too scared to tell- and so I suppose I suffered for it? Eventually she tried to keep me away from him, I was little and I didn't quite understand just how serious the situation was. It didnt work. It kept happening. I am now 27 years old, and the older I get, the angrier and sadder I get. I grew up being too exposed to sex and sexual encounters- we lived in a house that was NOT sound proof. As an adult, I am now disgusted at anything to do with sex. I get flash blacks of my childhood- of times when I was inappropriately touched, physically assaulted by my mother, and yelled and screamed at by my dad. I cant help but be angry with them, even at my age. I am so saddened by my family's behaviour towards me. I dont know how to deal with this, I've been hurt for many years and have not known where to go or who to talk to

867 Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt)
  • replies: 5

In January this year I suffered a server Traumatic Brain Injury. On arrival at ED I was GCS 3 and immediate emergency brain surgery was performed (3 crainiotomies). I was in a coma for a few weeks and at first i could not walk or talk. I have recover... View more

In January this year I suffered a server Traumatic Brain Injury. On arrival at ED I was GCS 3 and immediate emergency brain surgery was performed (3 crainiotomies). I was in a coma for a few weeks and at first i could not walk or talk. I have recovered a great deal since then. Unfortunately I now suffer extreme epilepsy and interictal psychosis. Sometimes I am of the firm belief that I am actually dead, or possibly in a continued vegitative state. This sense of unreality leds to tremendous and persistent panic, frustration and depression. Often I dont remember days on end, which ads to the sense of unreality. Sometimes I forget my name, i cannot recall who I am. Perhaps I am some form of haunted ghost. I generally don't leave the house for fear of the outside world. I really dislike the constant panic, i want to seek help but this area of neurological trauma is so very unresearched, i do not know where to seek appropriate help, bar being shipped off to emergency during periods of horrible seizures and interictal psychosis that inevitably follows. Perhaps i have an unconsciousness need to return to the place i almost died/was saved, it calms me, perhaps i never left there and remain in a coma

El_Mar I'm trying to reach the surface but I keep being pulled under.
  • replies: 1

Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told m... View more

Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told me everyday he loved me while controlling and abusing me. He still tries to contact me despite being blocked on facebook, phone, and email. I was reduced to an emotional wreck and felt like a shell of the bubbly, passionate person I was three years ago before all of the mess happened. Recently I started seeing another man. It took so much courage to do it because my heart was still so fragmented. He has been kind, caring, generous and thoughtful. He knows that I am struggling from the break up and was ok to take things slowly. Yesterday we slept together, he met my family and I finally opened up and shared about the trauma of my past relationship. Because of the sexual abuse I had experienced, sleeping with him bought up the most heart gripping anxiety and afterwards I sobbed into his chest. I know it wasn't fair but I couldn't keep the hurt inside. Last night we spoke and I told him I wasn't ready to keep sleeping with him. He was fine with that but told me that all of this changed things, he was ok with me asking to not sleep together but didn't want to be a rebound. I know that, I understand, and maybe I have used him to help me heal from the difficult relationship I have had. In saying that, I can see myself in long term relationship with him and I guess I didn't realise how awful my past relationship was until I experienced the kindness and respect he has shown me. He doesn't want to continue the relationship and I am left raw and so incredibly exposed. I feel like I've made myself so vulnerable to him by sleeping with him and sharing so deeply that the rejection is so painful I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. I didn't sleep last night and I don't know how much pain I can experience without breaking down completely.

Guest_0932 Fragmented memories
  • replies: 4

Hi, can anyone explain what exactly fragmented memories are? I've googled it but I still don't understand the concept of fragmented memories? Is it a memory that is traumatic but can't be recalled in context of your whole life memories?

Hi, can anyone explain what exactly fragmented memories are? I've googled it but I still don't understand the concept of fragmented memories? Is it a memory that is traumatic but can't be recalled in context of your whole life memories?

Deliver Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse)
  • replies: 1

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. M... View more

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. My father blamed me. I was then housebound for 5 years with severe anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder and agoraphobia. I had a surgery which caused massive haemorrgage when I was alone at home recovering, and I nearly died. I then lived in a psychiatric unit for a while due to severe anxiety (permanent panic state that didn't ease for weeks). I had a couple of older boyfriends from age 13-15 who used me sexually then left. Then I started a relationship with my ex husband at 15 and he was 21. We met online and he eventually moved to Australia and we got married when I was 20. He was ok at first but down the track, he would call me names, laughed when I cried, hit and pushed me etc. He wouldn't work and I had to work really hard in a physical job to support us both. I was also doing a degree so I was busy/stressed, I cried every night for years. He would not do housework, I did everything. He started drinking heavy and doing drugs. That's when I started drinking too. That went on for 8 years of "marriage". I had to throw out most of my belongings/furniture and moved into a small bedroom in a relative's house. My ex came with me as I was still too weak to get rid of him. The violence got worse and he'd abuse me in the middle of the night. Then finally I kicked him out. I then started another relationship with a long term friend 2.5 years ago, slowly, with extreme caution, and miraculously it became my first healthy relationship. He's truly the love of my life, an amazing man. I had a bout of stress recently with having to leave a job I was at for 8 years, dog died, health scares etc. But life started to settle down now and I was feeling better but still binge drinking. I started cutting back and was feeling better, but then went on a bender and felt awful after. I decided to fully stop, figured I'd start feeling better as usual, but I'm just not. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still so dizzy that it's hard to walk, stumbling, severe fatigue where I stay in bed whenever I'm not at work, high blood pressure, chest tightness. It's hard to function. I'm terrified I caused brain damage. Doctors aren't taking it seriously. I'm finding it so hard to cope and crying every day. I'm scared I've ruined everything. What's happening

Raffijane Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child
  • replies: 5

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and crue... View more

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and cruelest person I know. She has isolated all her 4 adult children and trashed every one of us to anyone who will listen. We are estranged from each other and other family. I just need somewhere public to vent this. To read the words and on some level validate this for me. I struggle with every close relationship driven myself hard to carve out a very successful career. I have had a family-two adult children, I have a marriage and possibly from the outside look 'normal'. Inside I am hurt and every bit an abused child. I feel so lacking in the skills and everyday relationship require. I am self doubt, anxiety, depression on anti-depressants & very lonely. I struggle to have close friends and I have issues with intimacy. Despite being the peacemaker, the organiser, the helper, the court jester and anything else required of me I have always been the greatest disappointment to my mother. I grew up with judgement, hatred, spite, raw emotion, jealously and constant need being placed upon me. I don't talk to my mother anymore. Its been 12 months. She is in her late 70's and as she has gotten older has become more vicious and devious. My father died 20 years ago and despite her claiming he ruined her life since his death her life has got worse and unraveled into something so feral and nasty I miss having a relationship with a parent, with my mother more than anything. My childhood has left me with deep deficits. As the oldest child of 4 I very quickly became the abandoned pet when the other children were born and nothing has ever been good enough, valuable enough ever to capture her attention. I have no concept that a woman who claims to value family above all else has destroyed it and destroyed individuals as much as she possibly could to maintain control.I feel like I have no support. No one has my back. No one loves me with such fierce unconditional love (like a parent should) that I am important. I feel alone, lonely, sad, damaged and closed off. My memories are all yelling, screaming, gutter language, abuse, household items being thrown across rooms and hatred. I have no memories of love, acceptance, fun or understanding. Does anyone have fractured complex family relationships even remotely close to this?