I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. We have sex and that part is
fine. But last month, we were just laying about on his bed, nothing
sexual was happening, and he randomly decided to try to initiate a
sexual encounter. It caught me off guard, I ...
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I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. We have sex and that part is
fine. But last month, we were just laying about on his bed, nothing
sexual was happening, and he randomly decided to try to initiate a
sexual encounter. It caught me off guard, I said no and stop and pulled
away, and instead of backing off he tried harder, as though it were some
sort of challenge. He only stopped when I thrashed my arm out and it hit
him in the face. I was visibly upset, he apologised and left shortly
after, but I was left feeling violated and hurt like I never have
before, I cried a lot and kept waking up randomly that night feeling
panicked. A few days after it happened, I talked to him and explained
how not okay that was, and that I expect him to stop when I say no and
respect my boundaries. Recently though, it happened again. Just like
last time, we were just laying about watching a movie, not engaging with
each other sexually, and he asked me if he could initiate sexual
contact. I trusted that he would respect my wishes when I said do X, not
Y. He then proceeded anyway. In the moment I was in shock, I didn't
really react. The next day I was furious that this happened again. I
told him again how not okay that was, and asked him to reflect on why he
did it. He kept saying "it just happened" and "I don't have answers". I
asked him a string of questions to try and get to the bottom of it, and
two things emerged: 1) he said he assumed that I would like it because I
usually like this activity (when we're actually having sex); and 2)
because I didn't explicitly say "no" (I said only do X, not Y), he took
that to mean yes or that it was okay. I know these are both indications
that he does not understand how consent works, so that may be the issue
here. My concern now, in addition to trying to deal with the broken
trust and hurt this has caused me, is how I can be sure it won't happen
again. His lack of self-awareness and lack of willingness to face his
guilt and step up to the plate to take responsibility for his mistake,
makes me feel like it may happen a third time, and so staying with him
would be a risk to myself. I don't think he is doing it with the intent
to harm me, but clearly it is harming me. I've never been touched by
anyone without my consent before. I'm struggling with what to make of
all this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
