being believed in therapy, worry the therapist will ditch me.

[PandorasLocksmith]

I've been seeing my safe, compassionate, highly trained, very understanding psychologist, R, for about 4 years now. I've seen other therapists in the past.

My psychologist, R, has kept therapy at a level I can handle it. So we've talked about day to day things for these years I've seen him, and things which make us happy- gardening, pets, art, parties, food. For as long as we've seen him.

We know I've had extensive trauma in my entire life. We know I've got PTSD, and a bunch of dissociative diagnoses.

Lately my flashbacks have been unbearably relentless and distressing. Not quite unbearably. I've been laying curled up in bed staring at my room or my phone. Trying to focus on small projects like online shopping, watching Netflix, writing to my psychologist (he lets me email him any time, to keep him up to date with what's happening, but he doesn't respond).

So I have decided to start talking with R about my flashbacks.

Mom almost crippled with fear that he will say he won't see us again if he realises the extent of my trauma, and I can imagine him believing one thing at a time but not everything. I'm absolutely sure he could be overwhelmed with everything. Which is probably transference because I'm overwhelmed by everything.

Has anyone else felt like you would not be believed about your trauma, even just one single trauma? Has anyone else thought their therapist would leave if you talked about distressing things?

My last therapist stopped seeing us when I think he got triggered by me. I am certain we'll lose this therapist the same. I really want to prevent that. I feel like I know him enough to trust him a lot now.

Mom worried sick about these things. Literally. My stomach is completely empty from bing physically sick worrying about this.

I see R on Thursday. I've emailed him my worries about talking about my trauma to him. By Thursday afternoon I'll probably be all relieved about this. Or maybe I won't be.

I feel so silly worrying about these things. But I'm sick with worry about them. Am I alone here with this?

[Croix]

Dear Pandora's Locksmith~

R is a professional and knows your background. It sounds like he has won you confidence over time using gentle techniques. It may have taken 4 years for you to reach the stage where you are able to have the flashbacks, memories and all the rest. I'd guess as a professional he would have been expecting this sort of development to surface at some stage.

My psych told me that when I had an onset of these things after many years it was becuse my mind had become strong enough to let them in.

I expect after Thursday you will be most relieved. Please let us know how you go

Croix

[PandorasLocksmith]

Hi Croix,

thank you so much for your reply.

it's Thursday evening now. I survived.

R said he won't be leaving me if I shift therapy to being about trauma processing rather than about fun and laughing. He says he sees people all the time about trauma. He has people shaking, panicking, shivering with shock, nauseous, and scared, just about every day in his office as they talk about trauma. And if I throw up he doesn't like the rug in his office anyway. He said he doesn't leave people who are processing trauma.

my last psychologist ditched me after one difficult session. Over the phone. R says he sees that situation differently to how that psychologist did, and explained his view of what happened in that difficult session and why that would not have been a reason R would even consider ditching a client.

R has only ditched one client, who repeatedly mauled him and wanted a relationship with R. That definitely will not be happening with us. R is gay and I like that gap between us, me being female.

I do think your psychologist was correct about you being strong enough to let flashbacks in when they came back. This has happened for me at a time my life has had huge strides towards everyday practical stability. Things are finally more stable with support and being able to get food every week, and having distance from a toxic family member. Then the flashbacks began. It helps me to remember the part about being strong enough. Thank you.

How are you doing now, Croix?

Pandora's Locksmith

[Croix]

Dear Pandora's Locksmith~

The first thing I want to say may seem off topic, however I like your choice of name. Not because of the variety group, but becuse it reminds me you are unlocking something sealed away and with unknown potential - a brave thing to do.

R sounds really excellent and his disregard for carpets shows a good sense of priorities, do you feel more confident you will not be abandoned if things get hard?

I can offer a small word of comfort from my own experience, matters left untouched for a long time can come forth less harsh and overwhelming than if they happen straight away. For me I had reactions shortly after, and some about other matters many years later, these latter hark-backs were by and large a lot easier to deal with.

I'm very happy your situation is better and maybe you are right, it is time.

You are very welcome here anytime to discuss anything, it will be OK

Croix (who is pretty good - ta for asking)

[PandorasLocksmith]

Hi Croix,

Thanks about my name here. 😊 I have PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder, so I really do feel like Pandora's Locksmith working out what to open, how to open locks, and which are safe enough to be opened.

R's disregard for carpets really does say a lot about him. So does his grace, his unnecessarily kind way he views me and trauma and my DID system.

Today is Friday, the day after R and I talked about my fears about him not believing me and ditching me. I feel exhausted but really grateful and more relaxed than I've been since before the last psychologist I saw ditched me. I'm so Relieved.

It's good too to hear your second layer of looking at your trauma was easier than the first. I like it when pain dulls over time.

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm a newbie here and it was nice to hear from someone. Thank you!

Pandora's Locksmith

[Croix]

Dear Pandora's Locksmith~

I'm very glad you are gaining confidence in R. It's important.

When I first became ill I tried to keep it to myself - for far too long. Not that I was successful, it was pretty obvious I was not good. The second time, years later, I did the opposite, told my partner straight away, plus my psych, even a little of of it here, and was supported all round. It made a big difference.

The past does lose a bit of it's power when explained to another, even after a nightmare.

I was silly before.

Your avatar is thought-provoking too. May I ask if you chose that image becuse of the person it represented, or simply because you liked it?

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Pandora's Locksmith

Good to meet you and welcome to the forum. I glad Croix asked about your name. After reading this thread I came to the same conclusion as he did. I've just found your thread. Been off the forum for a short while dealing with medical matters and I'm baaacck.

Like Croix I tried to keep my illness to myself. Fortunately for me a colleague at work noticed, became worried and took me to a doctor. It took a while but I did get well again. I always thought my psych would ditch me because he got irritated that I did not want to address my issues. I would go into his room and talk about trivialities and it was half way through the session before I brought up whatever it was to discuss and of course we ran out of time.

It was a difficult situation for me and eventually my GP insisted I saw someone else. Like you I had nightmares and flashbacks years after the event. Several years ago I was in a pretty traumatic situation. I had nightmares about it but eventually they stopped until the past couple of weeks when, due to a totally different situation, they started again.

Sorry to go on about me. I think it is important for you to know you are not alone in these hideous situations. And of course it's not just flashback that is troubling you. The aftermath can be even more overwhelming. You have made a great start to your healing with being able to write down what happened in the past. Did you find writing about this stuff was helpful? I have found that keeping a journal which is handwritten helped me a lot.

If you feel OK to try this I suggest you write everything down as the memories return. Don't re-read them for a while and definitely do not edit them. Looking back at your writing can give you a measure of how far you have come. There is something about handwriting which I believe comes from being more focussed on the event and engaging hand and brain. Typing on the computer is not as successful I find. My personal belief about handwriting is that as it is much slower than thoughts this brief extra time allows us to to focus. Just thinking tends to drag in almost anything that has hurt you in the past and we end up confused, overwhelmed and discouraged.

It's lovely to see you are strong enough to work on the hard bits. I look forward to reading more from you.

Mary

[PandorasLocksmith]

Hi Croix,

thank you for your reply again. I'm grateful! There are many reasons people choose to keep their experience of mental illness secret, or choose to open up about it. I hope your experience of sharing about it has overall been worthwhile.

I chose this avatar partly because it's an image free for anyone's use without copyright exclusivity. Also because I like her. She looks deep in thought to me, or sad. Much more beautiful-sad than I ever am.

-Pandora's Locksmith.

[Croix]

Dear Pandora's Locksmith~

I forgot to mention before a good site on coping with flashbacks and heavy memories

https://www.sane.org/the-sane-blog/managing-symptoms/coping-with-flashbacks

Nothing is perfect or instant, but it can help -my apologies of you are already aware of these.

I think your avatar is a good choice. You may well know the lady concerned was very capable, survived very difficult times, but still cared. She was initially ostracized by Victorian Society but eventually became accepted.

Croix