Struggling with sexual abuse/molestation at young ages and dealing with it now

[Steph21]

It all started When I was 5 years old I was molested by my neighbour who was 12 for almost 3-4 years, to me at the time I didn't under stand what it was so I let it happen for all those years, but the worst experience of my life growing up was when I was 16 and molested by my nephew who was older than me.... I cried myself to sleep that night in the arms of my cousin, she held me and I asked her if she can keep him away from me, don't leave me alone with him ever again... I didn't tell anyone else I didn't want everyone to know, how I kept letting things happen to me. Why I'm writing this is because I'm almost 22 and I can still feel him/her touching me, forcing themselves on me, I have Flash backs, and it makes me feel so small, I struggled a lot after that, I hate men, besides my father. Have friends but never boyfriends, every time I see a male that stares, I feel as if he is undressing me with his eyes and I'm back in that dark room.... I have days where I don't wanna leave my room ,I just keep bursting into tears, not wanting to talk to others, felt so worthless, like an object, that belongs to someone else. everytime I see another flashback, I think I should talk to someone I realise I have no-one to talk to, I cried myself to sleep last night trying to think of one person I could call because my heart was hurting, but I could not think of one person to open up to...i just need some advice maybe about what I should do next because i want to do better, I don't want to keep missing out on work or on events because my sadness won't let me leave my bed or house, sometimes I actually feel happy when it's a Friday when this mood kicks in cause then I can spend all weekend in bed without having to get up and go to work. I mean I do feel happy and generally I do feel normal some days but IDK what it is? But I fall in to sadness very easily and stay that way for days.

So of you can tell me what I should do? Maybe givee some tips on how you pushed through?or generally what you think may help, I'm all ears, I just need to stop this sadness before I lose my mind again

[PamelaR]

Hi Steph and a very warm welcome to our community forums

Your story makes me very sad. My heart goes out to you and I want to let you know you are very safe here. That should never have happened to you and I can understand completely if you feel very angry about what it.

I'm not a health professional, but can support you by sharing my experiences with you. I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It's so hard. I think in some ways I was very lucky because my memory of what happened only arose about 9 years ago. My life was interesting - suffering PTSD, anxiety and depression without any diagnosis.

My thoughts are - getting help from health professionals is really important, for example - a doctor and a counsellor (psychologist). You may also want to look at taking action, for example - go to the police. I've been unable to do that because all my perpetrators have passed away.

Getting help will provide support for you through anything you decide to do in the future. Each state in Australia has an organisation for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. You're not alone Steph. It's an awful place to be. I have now recovered, however, I still get triggered. My years of counselling have taught me how to manage these episodes and it does help. Life is so much better.

Please keep reaching out if and when you want to Steph.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[PandorasLocksmith]

Hi Steph21,

It sounds like you might be struggling with bouts of depression possibly, "don't wanna leave [your] room, [you] just keep bursting into tears, not wanting to talk to others, felt so worthless.." And also PTSD with the flashbacks.

With some good professional support these things are much more able to be processed, in my experience. Your GP can refer you to people who could help a lot with listening and then further treatment options if you're looking for more than listening ever. And there are places to deal specifically with sexual abuse. If you aren't comfy with a therapist or your gut feeling says there's something wrong with them, listen to that. There are lots of people out there to talk with, and it's important to find one who clicks with you and who you feel safe with.

It's not surprising that sexual abuse from your childhood is affecting you now. It tends to do that if you haven't thoroughly processed it.

We are here caring about all you are going through, and we are here to listen any time.

Pandora's Locksmith.

[Idkme]

Oh Steph21, I want to give you a big warm blanket hug right now....

i know the feeling so clearly.... the shame, the self hate for not ‘stopping it’ or ‘doing anything’. But these things are just symptoms of someone who has been abused by a heartless person who has committed soul murder..... grrrrr.

I think the two posts above both give fantastic advice.... report it so the perpetrator is listed and any other victims may be protected and see someone to help you deal with this so your not alone.

The problem is that when we ‘feel’ like we are ‘damaged’ we tend to keep hurting ourselves, you need some healing so you can grow again and start loving life.

It’s not easy and it’s definitely not fast (as I’ve been learning), but it IS worth it, to start to find reasons to love yourself, to start understanding how you think and feel. To start letting things ‘sit okay’ with you rather than running and hiding.

My advice is.... get a mental health plan from your GP, try out a psychologist, if he/she doesn’t feel right then change to another... until you find one that fits to you. And read heaps of resources available. This site is a good place to start. And keep reaching out.... writing on here can help.

Best wishes.