Realising PTSD has been there for years...(sexual assault and violence trigger warnings)

suzie2 · ‎19-11-2018

Hi, I am new to this group. Hard to know where to start so I'll mention what led me here. I'm 46, and a mum. I've battled bouts of depression since, well nearly as long as I can remember. No bipolar, history, just lows that are very dark and lonely times where I feel I am clawing myself back out to keep going. But I do keep going. In past, I have come through a sexual assault which happened when I was a teenager and then, in my 20's, witnessed a shooting at my place of work where someone was killed. I suppose I looked at possibly PTSD being short term after those events, but it's followed me the rest of my life. Then, in the past several years I realised that the strained, loveless relationship from my mother that always left me stressed and drained - was actually emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Took me until my 40's to realise that my mother was a narcissist. I've been low contact with her for 3 years now but the nastiness and lack of love, to this day, from her, feels in many ways more painful than my past traumas. I feel like I can't heal and am stuck in this vicious cycle of feeling sad and empty to fighting to get back up.....on and on. Also just realising that PTSD, is most likely why I push people away at the first sign of hurtful behaviour from them. Struggling to trust or depend on anyone and I know that's not a great way to go through life but don't know how else to cope. I do have a somewhat supportive husband but, as we have two children with special needs, things are alraedy often stressful so I can't lean on him a lot for this. Just hoping to find people here who will understand the feelings and also - has anyone specifically sought a mental health counselor who specialises in PTSD? Is that even a possibility? Thanks for following this far!

PamelaR · ‎20-11-2018

Hi Suzie and a very warm welcome to our community

So pleased you've found your way here. You are not alone at all. There are quite a few in our community who have similar circumstances to yourself. My heart goes out to you and understand completely what you are experiencing.

Yes, there are counsellors (generally psychologists) who do work with people who have PTSD and are very experienced. I've had several during the years I've been in recovery.

8 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression following a breakdown after remembering a childhood rape. Since then I've learnt a number of things about PTSD -

there is PTSD and complex PTSD (c-PTSD)
PTSD happens from a single occurrence trauma, e.g. sexual assault

c-PTSD happens from an ongoing trauma, e.g. childhood emotional, physical, mental abuse

While there is a distinction between the two, from my perspective I treat them the same, so will only refer to it as PTSD in this post. Both have triggers, both make me feel worthless. My mother had narcissistic tendencies and I found it extremely difficult to even cry at her funeral (24 years ago). I still get triggered by memories of my childhood. The good thing though is I have learnt many good techniques from psychologists for managing the PTSD.

One of the major things I had to learn is - it doesn't go away. It is always with me. Learning how to manage and cope with the triggers when they arise is the only way forward for me. Over time I am finding the triggers becoming a little less as I identify what sets me off. It can be as simple as watching the news, current affairs program, movie. Now I'm prepared and have my tool box ready. There are a couple of good threads under the PTSD and trauma forum here that you might find useful, these include:

Sharing strategies to help with PTSD

Complex PTSD - What is it and how do we cope

Keep reaching out if and when you want to Suzie. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

suzie2 · ‎20-11-2018

Thanks so much Pamela. So appreciate your insights and info. I'm going to seek out a psychologist experienced with PTSD. Yes re the constant minefield of triggers...it feels like it's all the time - spent trying to avoid them or deal with the fallout. I am hopeful that therapy can give me some strategies for it. I am so sorry for your trauma as well. It feels a bit less of a burden in knowing other people are out there who get it, what it's like to carry it around on your back all of the time. Can relate, though my mother is still alive, to what you relayed about your mother's funeral. It's a feeling few people can understand unless they've lived it. Can completely emapthise with it. Going to have a look through the threads you mentioned and again, really appreciate your reaching out. It really helps. Thank you.

PamelaR · ‎21-11-2018

You're very welcome Suzie. I really like that analogy - a minefield of triggers! Yes, that's just what it's like. To take the analogy a little further, recovering is like - finding the detonator to the mine and defusing it.It can take time and effort to identify, but it is so worth the effort when it's defused. Some fields are larger than others, some have more mines than others. Getting to the other side is so good though.

You will find as you read more of the posts there are quite a number of us who have similar backgrounds like us. If you are interested at all, do a search for narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic.

Keep reaching out as you want to Suzie. It's good you've found our community.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Idkme · ‎21-11-2018

Wow Suzie, I hear you loud and clear.

Trigger warning so proceed with caution....

I too am in my 40s and was sexually abused in my teen years... I struggle with so many other things as well like a disconnected relationship with my divorced mother (who has bipolar) and loss of a newborn child. All these things have come to a climax this year and, up until now, I have dealt with it by just controlling things and pushing them away...I had no idea the disconnect I had with my mum either... I had never heard of complex PTSD, and just saw myself as a victim of self sabotage. It was kind of liberating to find a name for the struggles I was having and when I read all the symptoms it all made so much more sense... now I can be more AWARE and try to look at things from another perspective. When I was first triggered (in October) I was very very very low and thought I was at the end... I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and had no idea how to get through it... my sheer stubbornness and determination helped me through and I eventually contacted a psychologist. I was warned that not all counsellors will help me but I am lucky to have a good sensible one at the moment who validates my thoughts and helps me realise the thoughts and beliefs I have are normal for someone who has been through what I have. I'm now starting to get a little excited about the prospects of what life "can" be.... so I guess for you there is absolutely help...

Another great advice I was given was to ask a whole heap of psychologists if they are "trauma" informed and support "talk therapy" or "relational therapy". I've found that talking to someone about my issues and having professional advice that I can trust of great benefit. I never would have believed I would be talking about this if you had told me 6 months ago... I never wanted to speak to anyone about my issues...

Anyway, just thought I'd share my story with you because yours had so many similarities. My biggest struggle is still trying to find someone to talk to inbetween sessions with my psychologist... I have so many things going through my head and so desperate to hear the answers... I'm slowly learning patience... it's not happening fast enough though, lol.

Kind regards,

suzie2 · ‎28-11-2018

Thanks so much Idkme for your reply. Sounds so similar in so many ways. I am very sorry for your loss and trauma. I think sometimes, for me at least, when I am in one of my really low times, all of the past hurts and traumas come flooding back and emotionally just pile up. I am hopeful, reading your experience, that I can find an experienced therapist - and, like you, fortunately I am determined and stubborn, or I wouldn't be here today, seeking help. I am going to use your advice in looking for the right one. I can't imagine how it would feel to get some of this weight off and learn to deal with people in a healthier way. Every time I fall into the blackness again - fighting to get out of it is exhausting and I realise I really need to find extra support to do that. Thanks so much for your shared journey x.

Idkme · ‎29-11-2018

That’s awesome Suzie2,

it is definitely very draining, I especially feel it at certain times which is what I’m working on at the moment... choosing times to give that part of me time and then other times when it has to be put to rest so I can function. I really struggle with finding time for myself, especially mindfulness activities or looking after my physical body, but I’m learning that it is really important as part of the process.... I go for walks now when my mind starts to wander too much and I am more aware of habits, like chewing nails, looking to food for comfort, stressing over problems that aren’t mine.

These skills have come from a variety of sources, here on the forums, google searches, books (Shapiro and van der Kolk), YouTube subscriptions, my psychologist and some close friends (haven’t told them everything). These are all part of my toolbox....

sometimes the right tool doesn’t appear to be there and I still get frantic but it’s getting less and less.

I hope you find some place to relax and stop and breath, be kind to yourself and remember to keep us updated with your journey