Lost and depressed.

[Tres]

Hi there, never done this before so please bear with me.

i have battled depression ever since I was 13 (I’m 22) when my parents marriage blew up. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety. When I was 20 I fell in love with a man I’ve been with for almost 3 years and over all just became generally happier in all aspects.

I should mention that I began a Nursing degree at the university back in 2014. And through many ups and downs I am still completeing it to this date.

Nursing was something that I fell in love with when I first visited the uni, I was instantly drawn to it and once I began the degree I had a burning passion for it day in and day out. I loved every placement I went on, even when it was stressful and overwhelming I still felt so passionate about knowing it was exactly what I was meant to be doing in life.

Last year before Christmas I was raped. A man assaulted me in my own bed and I’ve never been the same.

My family knows & have all been very supportive. My roommate/best friend knows, the only person who doesn’t know is my partner. I have my reasons for not telling him and it’s not something I wish to discuss at this time.

Since going back to uni to complete my final semester, I have felt lost. I don’t feel the happiness I used to feel about nursing. When I went to my final placement, I experienced heavy anxiety, panic attacks and fainting spells. I explained my situation to the head of the department, she was very nice and supporting and she told me to try come back in a months time and repeat the placement.

So I gratefully did. My first day back my anxiety was so high & my brain was a foggy mess. My facilitator sat me down and asked me if felt ready to become a nurse at the end of the year and I broke down. I had been feeling so lost and disconnected for so many months but it was the first time someone had asked me that.

I have a lot of pressure from my dad to finish uni. Being that I was merely a couple of months away from finally finishing i know he is not gonna react nicely when I tell him I’m gonna repeat it next year and therefore won’t be graduating til next year.

I’m terrified to tell my dad. I shouldn’t be, I’m 22 and it’s up to me what I do. But I am terrified.

I also feel very depressed. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, I feel like I’m also a failure and a disappointment.

[PamelaR]

Hi Tres and warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

It's sad to hear your story and you are so brave to share it here. Good on you. Sending you warm and kind energy to help you make the decisions you want to for yourself.

There is so much going on for you at the lovely age of 22. You were raped, you are studying and in your final year, there is pressure on you to complete and your own expectations of yourself. Oh my. That is a big load to carry around. My heart goes out to you.

I’m not a health professional Tres, though I can provide some ideas from my own experience. I too have been raped. Such an awful experience that left me feeling - guilty, shamed and dirty. But it wasn’t my fault. There is no good reason to feel these emotions. I was so hard on myself. It sounds like you are doing the same.

I have PTSD from these events that set off anxiety and depression. It has taken years of support and care from my doctor and health professionals (psychologists) to help me move from these feelings.

You’ve done nothing wrong Tres. Be kind to yourself.

Other than your family and best friend have you talked to anyone about the rape? For example, have you sought professional health? Or contacted your state’s rape crisis line? You can do a google for your states contact details.

Have a think about whether taking a break from nursing for a little while is okay? Your dad wants the best for you so that’s why he is pushing for you to keep going. But you need to do what is best for you.

It’s really good you’ve been able to reach out here. You’re not alone Tres.


Kind regards
PamelaR.

[startingnew]

Hello and Welcome Tres

i can understand lost of those feelings as i was raped/abused too. i am so sorry that happened to you. my heart goes out to you.

i dont have much to add to what Pammy has said but would like to be here to support you as well. please keep talking to us here. hugs

[Tres]

Thanks for welcoming me PamelaR and thanks for the support.

I did see a psychologist a couple of months ago but I didn’t like her all that much so I stopped going. I’m going to get a referral to see a lady my best friend has raved about. So hopefully that helps.

I do feel like repeating is what I need to do. I feel like trying to go work back in aged care until then might help inspire me again and help build my confidence back up (I used to work in aged care and loved it).

today I was really depressed. Did not leave my bed, was very disconnected from everyone and everything which is very unlike me. This afternoon my partner went out and got me a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza to try cheer me up, bless him.

I do feel slightly better this evening after having a long chat with my best friend/roommate who I’ll refer to as ‘S’ from now on as I may bring her up from time to time. She’s a wonderful friend, she battles mental health too and is really good and advice.

the head of the department of nursing placements wants to meet with me this week to discuss things moving forward so hopefully that goes alright.

Thanks again PamelaR xo

[Tres]

Thanks for responding and showing support too startingnew, although I don’t wish sexual abuse and trauma on anyone, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

hugs to all.

[PamelaR]

Hi Tres

Good to hear you have a meeting with the head of nursing placements. Hopefully your discussion will help you to work out what you want to do.

Also, it's wonderful to see how well you are organising your life - e.g. going to see someone who has a good reputation from a friend, chatting with "S'.

Nice also to have a supportive partner who brings you wine and pizza when you don't want to leave the safety of your bed.

The community is here if and when you need us.

P.S. Know what you mean about not wanting sexual abuse to be happening, but it is very good to know we're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[startingnew]

Hi Tres,

nice to hear from you again. It sounds like your trying your best to get your life sorted which is amazing considering everything.

im glad youve got the support of your partner and your friend too. and of course you have us here too 🙂